The Best They Could

If I hear one more person tell me that my mother did the best she could do, I'm going to scream and hurt someone. "She did the best she could with the resources, with what she knew at the time..." were my therapist's words today. I refuse to believe it. It's part of the issue with not forgiving her. It's part of the reason I hold onto the venom year after year after year after year. Because I'm the only one who seems to understand how bad it was. Was it as bad as it could have been? No. I always had food, clothing, I was never beaten. I, by no means, hold myself up as a poster child for abuse since there were so many who had it so much worse. But I have no Earthly idea how anyone can look at the facts and shrug and say "She did the best she could."
I am doing the best I can. That I know. I make mistakes, I'm not perfect, but not trying, not caring, not working as hard as I can on parenting will never be one of them.
But what if my daughter has a different perception? You know, it's not even about that. It's about laying my head down each night, knowing I made mistakes, but that at the end of every day, this child is it. She is what everything else revolves around. Not my career, not a relationship, not anything else. It's this kid. I do what I do for her. If she can't see that, then I can.
I named my daughter after her two grandmothers to honor them. I was named to honor my mother's "creativity"
Yes, sometimes I leave her at home to go and do something personal.
It is not all the time and she has never been left alone at the age of 9 (or 8)
Anyone I leave her with has to be someone I trust 100%, not just a person who is "available"
I try to respect and appreciate her opinions if possible, but even if I can't, it's never because my ego is a marauding beast that must be fed lest it consume all in it's path.
And this is just a drop in the bucket.

So what is all this doing to my mother? She sleeps at night (I can hear her snoring), she has apologized in the past "for whatever I've done". I know she feels some remorse, but it's by no means the amount she should feel. I've gotten 1/2 an ounce of flesh at best. I'm surprised by how angry I am. And I know if I let go of that, it's like none of that other stuff happened and then she wins. She gets to move on with absolutely no retribution. But if I were able to do something, what would I do? And where does my father fit into all this, who was never there, so therefore what? Did less damage? Not even...but I don't feel a thousand pounds of resentment towards him. It's more like 750 pounds.

I think there are things people have choices about. I think you can choose to stay home with your kids or go out drinking. I think you can choose to leave your kids with emotionally deranged baby sitters. I think you can choose to clean up after yourself to give your kids a good example of cleanliness.

So obviously I still have some work to do on ths issue. I know I'm only hurting myself and no one else. But that's what I do. I sabotage myself at every turn, so maybe this is just my standard operating procedures. I guess we'll see.

Balance

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony" - Thomas Merton

I can't ever seem to find balance. For a long period of time, work was going so well, money was getting in line, things were tooling right along, except that my food and my recovery were all very shoddy and most of my relationships were not what I wanted them to be. Now, my program is going so well. I feel renewed and invigorated and ready to take on anything with the help of my God and I'm even feeling good on the dating/relationship front, but everything else seems to be falling by the wayside. And I can't seem to remember the good feelings I had when things were so organized. I know they were there. I felt on top of things for the first time ever. I felt like I was finally doing the job I was being paid to do. I felt honest and present. But I am an addict and the thing I'm addicted to most is pleasure. And the pleasure of having my program be everything I want it to be and having a healthy romantic life that enhances my life are in no way going to compare to the "rush" of paying my electric bill on time or getting a report turned into an insurance adjuster. Of course, I'm not sure I'm far enough along to say that the pleasures of a clean recovery program and an awesome romantic life are better than an entire 1/2 a sheet cake, a joint and a margarita. I'm getting there though.
Here's the thing, I don't get to expect pleasure out of every moment and act of life. I am an adult, right? If I want to truly live a purposeful life, a life of worth, a life that will be an example to my child, a life that is NOT my mother's, then there are certain things I have to do. Pleasurable or not. I need to remember the consequences of falling down. The rush of pulling things out of the fire at the last minute is stressful. It's not cool anymore. I'm 40 years old. I wanted a different life and on so many levels I have that. I have submitted so much to a power greater than myself, just in the last 3 weeks. I feel so much better. What is the fear that comes with balance? I think it's been proven, time and again, that a well balanced life does not mean boring. And I think it's been proven that the pleasureable things aren't necessarily going anywhere. If I take an hour to pay my bills or clean out my car, nothing I really WANT to do is going to go up in a puff of smoke. That belief is childish and counterproductive.
Mainly it comes down to fear and pain. I became afraid of staying exactly where I was in terms of my recovery and the pain I was in propelled me to submit everything to my HP. I feared repeating the mistakes I had made in my marriage and subsequent relationships and the pain that came from those situations helped me to look for something different.
What can I fear in these other situations?
I keep struggling against serenity. I wanted serenity in these other areas and I got that, in addition to pleasure. If I pay my bills and do my job and clean my house, I'm going to get serenity. I had it. I know it's there.
I have been able to remember that the feelings of deprivation, when it comes to food, won't kill me. It feels like they will, so much so that now there's a palpable fear within me sometimes of that feeling, but I do come out the other side if I am willing to turn it over. So if I can turn over the fear and resentment that comes with forgoing something fun for something meaningful, something grown up, something necessary (and in most cases it isn't even forgoing...it's postponing...temporarily...), then maybe I can finally get a fuller handle on this life. This ENTIRE life!

HP Redux - Steps 2 & 3

My Higher Power/God is messy. That is the realization that has (for now) set me free. My Higher Power is all over the place. Some days this big, almighty sky dweller who looks like Walt Whitman, some days this energy that is sort of random, some days the CEO of the Corporation called The Universe and while certainly more powerful than I, He is ultimately powerless over some things that happen and is here to offer some comfort when times are hard. Realizing that, for me, it is impossible to nail God down to 1 image, to 1 idea, to 1 concept that will encompass my entire program, journey and life has been an amazing discovery. Is it fair to expect God to be just 1 thing? Maybe not. Now that doesn't mean there won't be complications. There are still days I want answers I'll never get. There are days I accept absolutely and completely whatever is sent my way. Most days, I'm in between. I am coming off a week (6 days because I haven't gone to bed today so I can't count today as abstinent yet) of a new food plan that is allowing me such a peace and serenity. And that's what it comes down to. I want serenity. And I think I've been lying for 4 years every time I've said the serenity prayer. I didn't want serenity. I wanted a feeling of glorious uplifting, I wanted to be high on spirituality. And that's not realistic and I haven't been giving serenity a fair shake. This past week has been a wonderful experience, in so many ways. Changes are happening, things get hectic and then they slow down and then they speed back up. And in all of it, I'm not getting upset. I'm not losing it.
When I was 14, we moved to Maryland and I was immediately an outcast. Did not have 1 friend the whole year. Ate lunch alone every day. Then one day, the "cool kids" invited me to have lunch with them. They all had sacked lunches and had to move to squeeze my tray in from my school lunch. But they talked, I talked, it was great. That night I made my mother go out and buy stuff so I could have a sacked lunch also the next day. They never asked me to join them again.
Most of my friends in program are not religious. They are spiritual. They don't go to church, they don't subscribe to any sort of religious doctrine. And that's great for them. I've never met anyone who has judged me for going to church or doing what I do. But it's still this nagging feeling that I'm not one of the "cool" kids. 98% of time I could give a crap what anyone thinks of me, but occasionally yes, it does gnaw on me. The cool kids don't go to church. The cool kids don't necessarily believe that Jesus died for their sins. The cool kids don't take communion. But I do and there's this tiny part of me that doesn't want to and all of that is okay. I'm okay.
Some days I have no idea what or who I'm thanking. But I am grateful. I don't know who or what I'm praying to. But I still pray. I don't know who or what sent me the serenity and the acceptance, but I am willing to have it, I embrace it and I use it, day by day, in my journey.

Willing

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us
-Joseph Campbell

Me

My sponsor told me to read my blog from the perspective of reading something written by someone I am sponsoring, rather than something I wrote myself. What do I see? The thing that jumps out at me, more than anything else, is this idea that the person who wrote these things wants to be someone else.
I have always wanted to be someone else. When I was little, I desperately wanted to be a little girl...ANY little girl...who was on TV, because the girls on TV had parents who cared for them and loved them no matter what and never abandon them. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club because she was so interesting and strange and quirky and then I wanted to be Lori Singer from Footloose, because she was thin and beautiful and wore red cowboy boots and got to kiss Kevin Bacon and she went to the prom with her boyfriend, NOT with some guy that only said yes because someone else told him I had asked 10 other guys who had all said no. Sorry...where was I?
When I was in my 20's, I think I still wanted to be offshoots of the same characters, quirky, interesting, strange, sexy, pretty, thin...with alcohol and sex to boot!
Then when I got married, it honestly felt like it was the first time I could be myself. But what I quickly found out is that HE wanted to be married to someone else. Someone who probably resembled who I had wanted to be before I met him...definitely someone thin, pretty and sexy, someone who would accompany him on his tangents and rants against society, the government, organized religion, organized politics and encouraged him to move to New Zealand, where life is beautiful all the time. Ironically, being myself caused me A LOT grief for 12 years.
So now, perhaps I'm struggling because I feel like I don't know who I am, when in reality, I just want to be someone else. And sometimes, I don't know who that someone else is and sometimes, when I do know who I want to be, it flies directly in the face of who I am. And I'm fighting against who I really am. (Okay I'm really confused now!)
So who am I?

I am interesting and a little quirky and I have a good sense of humor. These are good things about me. But I am also a middle aged mother of 1 who lives in the suburbs and drives a Spectra to volleyball games and glee club rehearsals and liking those things about myself does not negate the other things or make me any less interesting.

I am probably never going to look like a Sports Illustrated model, but I am not bad looking. Yes, I want to lose weight and I want the most optimal health I can, yes I would prefer to NOT die before I'm 70, but I can't mourn the face that I never will be and have never been 120 pounds.

I like my job. This is something I've touched on before. It feels like I should be doing something that I love and am obsessively passionate about. Something creative and freeing, but that's not the path I'm on. I can count on 1 hand the number of people I know who are doing that. I don't know that I could handle a career that I was obsessively passionate about without it negatively impacting my child or my ability to sustain my family. There is nothing wrong with my job. I enjoy it, I'm good at it, I'm making a decent living and I want to accept that. There is nothing wrong with a stable job and interesting hobbies or outside interests.

Sometimes I cry. My mother cries A LOT!! My daughter cries even more. Hell, my ex-husband probably cried more than I ever did. But I hate it. Crying makes me feel weak but I want to accept that sometimes I need that outlet for my negative energy.

I was surprised to find that I want a relationship at some point. I am single and I am free and I want things to be...well not anonymous, but without expectation or commitment involved and it turns out that those desires are not lining up with who I am. I was not prepared to find that out about myself. A desire for intimacy, a desire for a connection to another person...these are not things I wanted to want. In fact, NO intimacy and NO connections were going to be the cornerstones of what I built my new single life on! What the hell!?!?!? I can't say where I stand on the idea of monogamy. I can't say I'm leaning towards getting married again. But it seems I do want more than a physical release. I want to be with a person I care about who cares about me. When you don't think you want that and you find out you do, it can kind of blow. But when you get it, I've heard this urban legend that it can be pretty amazing.

I am capable of improving. Money has improved. Organizational skills have improved. Job performance has improved. Boundaries have improved. Things are better. And continuing to improve upon them or holding steady and doing what I should be doing to keep moving forward is not nearly as much work as putting out all the fires I've had to in the past. That is the reality I continue to turn my back on. It's not more work to stay on the right path.

I do have spiritual beliefs. Maybe right now, I'm a little murky on what they are exactly, but I do have them. I do believe that something greater than me, bigger than me, led me to where I am right now. I am grateful to whatever it is for all I've learned and all that I have. I know I believe in some sort of afterlife and I believe in kindness to others and striving to do the right thing.

All of these things are part of me. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to gloss over the negatives, because they are certainly there. I'm someone who is an addict and I've got just about every trait you find in an addict. I'm someone desperate to shake the addiction, yet terrified to give it up. I don't want to make the sacrifice, even though I know the payoff is greater than I can imagine.

I'm impatient sometimes and in denial about it most of the time, until my kid mentions it in her therapy! I could work harder at being better at some things. I could make things less complicated. My sponsor told me that I have more rules for life than anyone she's ever met. (She didn't meant this as a compliment, necessarily). I just look at my past and what hasn't worked and I want something different. Better. On paper that doesn't seem like a bad thing. But I guess I need to accept that there are some things about me I can't change and some things I can.

Hmmm...I think I'm onto something! Accepting the things I cannot change...courage to change the things I can...wisdom to know the difference...Someone should really write that down and use it again...

Fear

My 9 year old is afraid of the basement. Even when all the lights are on. Even when it's daytime. At first, it was really annoying and I thought she was just trying to get out of feeding the cat, but it seems to be legitimate. And I started thinking about my own fears and decided that a list perhaps might offer me some insight.

I fear becoming my parents (I think this fear is pretty exclusively mine...no one else feels this way)
I fear anything having to do with bone marrow
I fear the feelings of deprivation
I occasionally fear sleeping alone in my house
I occasionally fear heights, if I feel they are unstable (learned that Friday at the City Museum)
I fear that my daughter will end up like her father (And I accept that she probably won't want to end up like me when she's older!)
I fear dying before my daughter is an adult and leaving her alone
Sometimes I fear dying period
I fear putting on 40 pounds again
I fear that my sponsor will fire me if I don't get my program together
I fear being in a bad relationship again

Right now, that's what is coming to mind.

I'm struggling with Step 3 at the moment. Food is not great. I'm struggling with a lot of things, even though I know that not accepting and not turning it over to the Universe will lead to the ultimate demise of everything I've worked for.

I know my child wants good grades. It is important to her. So I've stopped yelling at her and nagging her to do her homework. I just tell her that I love her no matter what, its ultimately her choice and she knows the consequences of not doing her homework (or inaction).

I'm getting that message from the Universe right now. There is love and acceptance around me in amounts too great to measure, regardless of my actions, but I know the consequences of inaction. If I want what I say I want, the action will need to begin.

Battles

My body feels like the enemy these days. It's trying to hurt me or kill me. I feel like I'm in this battle with it. If I'm not battling with it to lose weight and get healthy and exercise more and harder and fighting, day in and day out to NOT eat everything my body wants, then I'm punishing it with food. Why am I punishing it? Because it won't do what I want it to do, which is to be thin and not be addicted and not want food so much. It's like, "You want the food so badly? Here take it!" and then I feel sick but it feels like my body deserves that misery for making me feel so bad emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

My body image is such that I never notice when I'm gaining weight or losing weight. I mean, I notice as far as my clothes go, eventually, but if I look in the mirror, it always looks the same. 190, 240, no difference. I happened upon one of those TV shows the other day where people are on teams trying to lose weight. I had never watched any of them before. And they showed these very large people, men in shorts, women in shorts and sports bras, being turned around and showing their weights. So I'm watching, thinking, "What? She weighs 250 maybe?" and the woman weighed almost 400 pounds. I have no reality perception, which is why I can't look at myself and say "Hmmm...looks like I'm putting on a little weight..."

All I know is that it feels like my body is getting what it wants, which is for me to be fat and out of control. And it feels like my problem, like something I have to fix, not like something I can turn over, which is ridiculous, because there's really nothing I can't turn over. There's nothing I can't ask for help with.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, without an inkling of hesitation, that I am divorced because of program. I know that I would still be in the same horrible situation, if I had not walked through those doors 4 years ago. I know that I would either have lost the job I have now or at the very least would still be taking money for working my job at maybe 25% capacity. Now I am efficient and I feel with confidence that they are getting their moneys worth with me. I would still be where I was with managing money and although that is a slower go than some things, it is progressing and I am proud of that. I know that I would still be entering into relationships that were in no way what I needed. All these things are because the Universe led me to my 12 Step Program and I very clearly see that.

So why aren't my current actions in line with what I know and what I see? Because it feels like too much. The progress and the good things, they all require upkeep. They all require this continuous forward motion, so I keep working on them and I keep working both my jobs and I keep working towards raising my child and setting my boundaries with my ex and my mother and doing all this is already guaranteeing me no more than 5 hours of sleep a night! It feels like the program is just another thing to do, another thing to work on, another task, another chore and I'm so exhausted. And it's slipping away I know, I know, I know that if it does, everything else falls apart. All of it. Why doesn't that scare me more?

Today is new and today has no mistakes and all I have to do is make it through today. One day at a time. One day at a time. Turn it all over, even if it feels weak. Ask for help, even if it feels wrong. Today I am off work, today many of the responsibilities are on hold, so it's not an extra burden to do some work in the area that made all the other areas possible. Act as if, one day at a time...my body just says blah, blah, blah...

My mind says, "Do you want to die?" Maybe that's the battle to fight. I don't want to die today. I don't want to dig another hole in my grave. Today, I want to turn it over and stop worrying about it. I can simplify things by realizing that I don't have to deal with any of this crap. It's all going to fall apart if I just ignore it. But turning it over is not ignoring it. Letting something/someone bigger and certainly better equipped handle it. So that is my goal for today. Take off the armor and get ready...to not battle anymore.

40

It's here. 40. I may have made a few self deprecating comments about dreading 40...turning 39 "for the second time" but in reality, I've never been so excited. The hysterical sobbing is just an off shoot of that. Emotions are all messed up, but that's okay. I've only got an hour left of this old life. This is the danger. I will put too much stock in turning 40. I will pin all my hopes on this birthday. And then I'll get in a car wreck or I'll run my stockings or something. I want to start something tomorrow. I want a new page. I want a new start.
I want to be better and I want to do better...at everything. That's a tall order. How do I not let myself down with that? When I wake up tomorrow and I look in the mirror, who am I going to see? The same person I saw this morning. If I wasn't happy with this mornings me, how can I be happy with tomorrow's me?
Okay, so what am I doing correctly, right now, at the age of 39?
I did a "grown up" thing today and went to the doctor to hear the magical words, "That lump is nothing and should be gone within a week."
I went to a meeting tonight
I walked 3 miles to get to that meeting
I recognized that love is all around me and available to me in unconditional form, if I am willing to open up to it
I did the best I could today as a mother
I worked hard at my job today
I am not married
I am seeking a better relationship with my child

So that's not such a bad list of things to carry with me into the next decade. Or to just carry with me tomorrow, as I accept good wishes from the wonderful people I love and dodge cake at all costs. What can I build tomorrow? What can I create tomorrow? What can I do, for that 1 day, that is, in reality, just like every other day?
That's a good question. I'll have to ask myself that when I wake up 40.

Ruth

She came of age during the Depression. She looked like Linda Darnell (Google that name and you'll see how stunningly beautiful Linda Darnell was). She could jitterbug like a professional. She would insert dirty words into the stories she read to her grandchildren to make them giggle. She never went beyond the 5th grade, yet she ran her own business for more than 30 yeares and raised two children mostly as a single mother in an era when single mothers were not the norm. She married an alcoholic and learned to be fully self sufficient for her family. She single-handedly cared for her aging mother for 10 years. She never turned away her grandchildren who were dumped unceremoniously on her doorstep for years. She was sensible and frugal and kind and loving. At the age of 60, she found God and fell madly in love with the her spiritual side she had never entertained. She died 22 years ago today.
Every year my grandmother would call me on my birthday. No matter where I had been dragged to, I always got a phone call. Sometimes a card, sometimes a little money, but always a phone call. My father didn't even call me every year on my birthday, but my grandmother (my mother's mother) would never dream of missing it.
My mother and her mother fought like cats and dogs from moment my mother came out of the womb (after 48 hours of labor!). My mother was like her father. A dreamer, someone who couldn't stay in 1 place, someone who couldn't hold onto money. Everyone always said I was like my grandmother, sensible, down to Earth and no matter where I was being dragged to by my mother, I always knew that my rock and my stability was in a two story house in Piedmont, MO. I can't speak to her strengths as a mother, but as a grandmother, she was wonderful and never failing in her love.
When I was 17, I returned to Missouri for Thanksgiving and she was there, as always. We had some talks and later, I was laying in bed and I could see her, sitting on the couch, watching TV. And I remember thinking how out of touch she seemed, how her opinions and view seemed wrong. It made me sad to feel so disconnected from the woman I had always considered my best friend.
A little over 3 months later, 11 days before I turned 18, she died. Her heart gave out. She was in the hospital less than a week before she died. I was living out of state, but I couldn't bring myself to come back to see her in the hospital. I couldn't bring myself to see her hooked up to tubes and wires.
I realized, after she died, that I was waiting for a phone call. I think, in a way, I still do. It's amazing to me that it's been 22 years. Life goes on and no one understood that more than my grandmother. She would have never wanted anyone to wallow and dwell on the fact that she was gone, but the fact that I graduated high school, went to college, worked, got married, had a child without her...is odd. Like maybe I should have ceased to exist when she did. It just doesn't seem natural, when it's really the most natural thing in the world. But as each year passes and each generation arrives, it feels that the memories of her are growing dimmer. My daughter will have her memories of my mother, who is her best friend and she may remember a few stories I've told her about my grandmother. God willing, someday, there will be at least 1 little one who will remember me as their best friend. This is the cycle of life, exactly the kind of thing my grandmother would have appreciated.

Hangover

Slept in my makeup, didn’t get my teeth brushed, slept on the couch and now my mouth taste like yesterday’s news… Wake Up Older by Julie Roberts

It’s been awhile since I was hung over. Today, I am hung over. I wonder if people realize how similar an alcohol hangover can be to a food hangover. My head hurts, my stomach is all over the place, I look like a raccoon because I didn’t go to sleep last night. I literally passed out. I passed out on a recliner in front of the TV, woke up to stumble to the couch before waking up again to finally fall into bed.
I had to drive to get my daughter this morning and of course, God’s flashlight was right there, assaulting me. I know what you did!!! the Sun was screaming at me.
I was out of breath and agitated and tearing my car apart at every red light in a desperate search for my sunglasses. Once I finally found them, I was upset because I had forgotten my phone. And the thought actually entered my mind once I retrieved the offspring, “I should not be driving with my kid in the car…”
Dropped her off at school and went home and tentatively ate a small bowl of cottage cheese and sipped some juice to get something on my stomach. It stayed down. I grabbed an orange and a piece of vegetarian lasagna for lunch, but at this point, still not sure how that’s going to work out.
The elevator’s out at work and I have to climb 4 flights of stairs to get to my office...still not sure how I made it up those steps. My boss appeared at my cubicle to ask me a question and I think I jumped 10 feet. I wish I could keep my sunglasses on all day.
I am still that person. Still the person I don’t want to be. I am still not turning things over. I am still getting buried in everything that gets thrown at me. It’s a lot. I know there are people worse off and there always will be, but sometimes even my sponsor admits, “I wish you could get a break!”
And I knew it was coming. Screaming “Mother fucker” when I drop my spoon, rather than picking it up and rinsing it off, that means something is coming. Impatience, anger bordering on rage which I usually don’t get…it means that it’s all building up inside me and at some point it’s going to blow.
I want a solution to my situation with my ex-husband. I ask friends, I ask family, I ask my therapist, my counselor…and no one can give me the answer I want. I don’t want to know how to change my behavior. I don’t want to know how to disengage myself. I don’t want to learn how to accept that he won’t change ever. I want to know how to change him. I couldn’t make him the husband I needed (and the husband I needed was basically a guy who needed to just not treat my like crap! Tall order I know!). I’ve truly accepted that. Now, my energy is focused on making him the ex-husband I need. Someone who is working with me to raise our kid, who communicates and who listens and respects my opinion but I DO NOT want to wait 14 years to get the message that this man is incapable of being that person.
Living with my mother is pretty much what I expected. Some days I measure the success of this arrangement by the fact that I haven’t pushed her head into a wall, and some days its fine. I’ve accepted that she’s not going to change.
40 is coming. And I don’t know what I wanted it to look like. Maybe my usual, unrealistic delusions of grandeur whereby things were all in line, I was at a consistent level of peace and serenity, dealing with all things as they came.
Why do I keep doing this? This is a life. It is never going to be consistently anything…consistently changing maybe. That’s the human condition, for everyone. It’s time to stop waiting for everything to be different and start working with what’s in front of me. And I keep making these promises to myself and never following through on them.
I used to love playing Russian roulette. I love seeing how close I can get to the edge and still pull myself back. My brand of Russian roulette were things like seeing how close I could get to the cancellation date of my car insurance policy without paying the bill. Seeing how many work projects I could put off before anyone caught on. Seeing how much food I could steal, hoard and binge on without people noticing. And I’ve really turned a corner in all these things. Now, apparently, I’m just playing it with my life and with my health. I’m not 22 anymore. I can’t even sleep on my couch without waking up having lost complete use of all my neck muscles. My cholesterol is up. It’s not the end of the world and probably easily rectified but maybe it’s a message. These things are only going to get worse. Your body is not going to hold up forever. I am getting older.
But I think I can dodge the bullet some more. And I can’t. I may live to be 90. I may keel over and die tomorrow. I have no idea and would go completely insane if I did know. Today. Today. All I can worry about is today. Not my birthday. Not next Christmas. Not my daughter’s graduation or wedding. Not even tomorrow. The ONLY thing I know about tomorrow is that I am supposed to have my daughter’s sleep over guest home by 11am. That is it. And for all I know, my car will break down, so I can’t even call THAT a certainty.
I am going to be abstinent today. I have no grand plan for my entire life. Today the Universe loves me…good and bad. Today, I am going to turn it all over because I still feel like crap and am incapable of doing anything else apparently! Today I am going to do the next right thing and deal with tomorrow…tomorrow.

The Seventh Step Prayer
My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen

Career

My mother’s career was the focal point of her entire life. She loved it, she nurtured it, she cherished it about everything else, including her children. And when it appeared that the career she had chosen forsook her, 30 years in, she was devastated and to this day grieves and mourns its loss and is, to this day, 10 years later, constantly grasping for those glory days.
I have never had a job like that. I worked in 1 industry for 12 years and changed to a different industry 3 years ago. Some jobs were better than others, I worked to support my family and as I changed jobs and get older, my income has increased at a moderate rate I am satisfied with. Am I missing something by not having the passion of my mother? I’m missing out on being a negligent mother, because my career always comes first, that’s for sure! J But am I missing out on having that all consuming passion for something I truly love?My entire adolescence revolved around music. Music theory, music performance, music history. My senior year of high school I was in three separate bands and my college degree is in music. But at the end of college, I had to face reality. I was not talented enough to perform and I did not wish to teach. That left me with a piece of paper and a chunk of life I could not build on.
Now, I’m getting ready to turn 40. This would be a great ending to the movie of the week about my life that is constantly replaying in my mind. In a world gone stagnant, she threw off the shackles of cubicledom! She broke out and blazed her own path to help the world and to do something she had always wanted to do…
But what is that? I have no idea. Every time I leave my therapist’s office or my child’s therapist’s office, I am consumed with this desire to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and parlay that into a career as a therapist. It seems noble, it seems interesting, it seems like something I might be good at.
I actually spent a period of time in Human Resources and enjoyed that. And if I were able to do that, I could even, possibly stay with the company I’m at now.
Both these ideas require returning to school, which requires money. These would also remind me that in 9 years, I have to start paying for a college education!
I have always loved to write and could pursue that, without giving up my current job of course. I have no illusions that I would become famous or anything, so that strikes me more as a hobby than an actual career path.
And the thing is, I don’t hate my job. In fact, since I’ve actually been doing what they pay me to do in the last 6 months, I find myself rather enjoying it. No, it’s not a life’s passion, but that’s because other things are more important. Like my child, my recovery, my friends. I can be happy in other areas (and I’m not Unhappy in the career area) and I can make a difference without a grand, life long commitment. I can accept that and be proud of what I do, which is helping people, albeit three or four times removed, all over the country. So maybe the Universe has me right where I need to be.
But damn, discovering the cure for something would have been a kick ass ending to the movie!!

Health

Someone I know had her husband die within the last few days. She and I aren’t particularly close. I would say we are acquaintances. I never met her husband. But he was in his mid-50’s and by all accounts in picture perfect health. He just keeled over and died and they aren’t sure why yet. He exercised and ate right and according to one person, was big into the whole holistic movement. (Whatever that means).
A co-worker who is in top physical form had a stroke right around Thanksgiving last year. He returned to work a week ago or so.
These things mess with my head, big time. The idea of Aneurysms terrifies me.
But all this makes me start wondering why I even bother eating what I think is good for me and exercising. These things especially hit me when I find out that no meat, no sugar, no fried foods, no caffeine, no sodas, reduced wheat still results in an elevated LDL level and a Vitamin D deficiency for me. I still believe my 40’s will be great, but being in my 40’s also means I’m not 22 anymore, as my sponsor keeps telling me!
Not being 22 means that my eyes are starting to slowly deteriorate, so that even moving into the light with some things still doesn’t guarantee I’ll be able to read them.
It means that a 7 mile walk may result in shin splints.
It means I can’t sit on the ground with my legs tucked under me after a period of time and expect to jump up and be on my merry way. I will get up rather quickly, but yes, there will be some moaning and groaning and the forward motion will come gradually.
It means that a simple, low impact Yoga class could render me completely unable to stand erect for 3 days.
It means more tests, more often. It means pills and eye drops and glasses that apparently need to be stronger than they were last year, when I first started wearing glasses.
It means that sitting at a computer typing for more than 10 minutes is going to cause a burning ache between my shoulder blades.
It means that 4 ½ hours of sleep isn’t going to make me tired yet functional
It means that losing more weight and further restricting the amount of food I eat and exercising may still result in keeling over at the age of 50 in the street.
It’s hard to reconcile that. And yes, I could live to be 95. I could be in the physical shape of an Olympic athlete and get hit by a car tomorrow. Or I could exercise and eat right and meditate and die in 12 years.
I want to say that I have come to the conclusion that I need to grab a hold of each day and live it as if it were my last because it truly could be. Typing those words helps, even if I don’t quite believe them. It also helps to type that lying face down in the food won’t help, because I don’t know that I believe that either right now.
Today I read Ask “What’s possible” not “What’s wrong”. Keep asking.
Maybe that’ll work…tomorrow. Yes, I’m thankful to be alive, yes I’m thankful for all that I have, including my health and yes, there are some things about my health that require my action and there are things about my health I am powerless over.

Sometimes, worrying actually feels like less work!

Forgetting to Remember

Things get busy. Things get hectic. Things get frustrating. Relationships get ugly or heartbreaking. Money gets tight. Cars break down. Pets get sick. Children get into trouble. People die. Jobs get lost. Health goes downhill. Friends get hurt. So with all these things going on, its so easy to forget. Easy to forget that I am a good person. Easy to forget that I am a kind person. That I care for people to the best of my ability. That I have been blessed with physical health. That I have been blessed with not living in true poverty (poverty being a relative term at times!). That I have skills and talents. That I took a life that was so much less than what it could be and turned it over and accepted the miracles and today find myself in some kind of dream world where it feels there are no limits to what I can do. It's easy to forget that I have heard the words, "You are a good daughter" and "You are the best mother anyone could ever have" and "You are a good friend" and while the sentiment behind these words is certainly a work in progress and I know better than to take a daily poll, those words mean something to me. It's easy to forget that I can be fun, that I love to flirt and have a good time. Easy to forget that there have been people who enjoy being around me. Easy to forget that struggling with an addiction and knowing I didn't fall back in yesterday is huge. And that it takes a lot from a person to wake up fighting that every day. Every day forever. It's easy to forget that there are people who love me. Truly love me for exactly who I am. And that some of the people who might be critical (as I see it) or may have a million and one suggestions for how I could change, if I truly look into their hearts, they still love me the way I am too. That's something I've never been able to remember. It's easy to forget that there are people that aren't going to like me or love me and that I can't waste my energy trying to change their mind. It's easy to forget that I have a place in a Universe that wants me to succeed and be happy and tries its best to back me up on that. It's really easy to forget that things that are hard to take usually happen for a reason and that with distance and a spirit of acceptance, I may get the miracle of a drop of insight into what that reason is. And if I don't get that, then I wasn't meant to have it.
That's a lot to remember when I struggle to remember to send in lunch money some days! But truly, they aren't things I guess or things I remember. They are things I know. Things I know deep down. Things I can use to anchor me in the middle of a storm of life that is whipping me around from one end of the boat to another. The things I can hold onto when its dark and I feel lonely. The light at the end of the tunnel. Last night, at my meeting I read the words "Sunshine of the spirit" and "The Road of Happy Destiny" and all these things are included in that Sunshine and on that Road and every day, I thank the Universe for allowing me a moment of clarity to recognize, to participate, to love myself and always remember what I know.

Insane - Step 2

But the devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind - Euripides

Utterly senseless. This is the definition for insane in the dictionary. Insanity yields the following results: Extreme folly, foolhardiness. All these seem to point to people not with affected brains who have no control, but just with people who are too lazy to exert any common sense.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I LOVE the OA 12 & 12 book's Step 2 because its one of the only Chapters on Step 2 I can find that focuses less on the God aspect and more on the insanity aspect. Many of the others deal with how you can come to believe if you are an Atheist or an Agnostic, how you can believe in a Power or God and turn everything over. I have almost always believed in a Higher Power or that the Universe is guiding me and that this HP/Universe is capable of miracles. But do I believe I'm insane?
It took me long enough to admit that I was Powerless (Step 1) and now I'm supposed to admit I'm insane? I've honestly never thought about that part of Step 2. I have a problem, I am powerless, but insane? Stealing food, stealing money to buy food, eating out of the garbage, lying, hiding food in places all over my house, driving around to fast food restaurants, one right after with an infant in the back of the car who just wants to sleep in her own bed? Resenting my toddler because she wants some of my food...MY food!! Eating off other people's plates after they've finished their meals and weren't looking? Deciding I'm stressed and that I want a granola bar and eating a dozen in 10 minutes? Planning exactly what I would eat on a binge a week in advance? When I was a teenager, I worked in a restaurant and the walk in cooler had these gallon or more vats of whipped cream and of cherry pie filling. They used them to make the cakes they sold. I would offer to help clean up every night so I could sneak in there and eat out of these vats...directly. I wasn't taking a spoon and a bowl, I was sticking my hands into these vats and desperately licking them before anyone else would come in and see. Thank God I didn't have Hepatitis! When I was in my 20's, I worked as a cook at a daycare center. Best job of my life. I was alone, I made lunch for the kids and then I had the entire pantry to myself. Lord only knows how much money I cost that business in food NOT eaten by a small child.
But no, I've never been insane. Insane people have no sense of reality and insane people can't manage their own affairs. I've never been insane. All these things I've listed are just small symptoms of a larger problem, they just point to my powerlessness. But insane? Come on!
If I honestly examine it, I was never insane. I was too sick and diseased and fucked up to even qualify for insane!
And the thing is, I get that I'm going to be an addict for the rest of my life, but am I going to be insane the rest of my life? Its kind of looking that way and accepting that is something that actually keeps me sane. I'm sure someone, somewhere (probably many) have done tests on the minds of addicts, MRIs, CT Scans, etc. and I have a hard time believing our brains looked exactly like those of the rest of the population. When I am talking about work or parenting or relationships or money my sponsor will almost always begin her sentences with "We addicts..." because we aren't like everyone else. My brain processes things so differently. Something I heard when I got in the rooms, that I had never heard before, was "A normal person's car won't start, they go inside and call AAA. An addicts car won't start, they go inside and call the suicide hotline..."
Exactly. The funniest thing about insanity is that old saying, "Insanity is doing the exact same thing, over and over and expecting different results".
I've started thinking about all the years I spent on my marriage, so much effort on something that proved futile. I think about all the books and magazines and Dr. Phil (idiot) and Oprah (don't get me started) and the entire marriage counseling industry. They all applauded me. You don't give up the first time something goes wrong. Marriage is hard work. Here are some more exercises to work on your communication. And I just knew if I tried a different therapist or a different book, that things would get better. I spent 14 years waiting for things to get better.
It was the 12 Step Program where I first heard and came to believe, "You can't change anyone..." and it was also where I first heard the words "Accept the thing I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference..." and where I heard that definition of insanity. I may have been going about it from different angles, but I was trying to do the exact same thing over and over. Change him. Now no one would fault me for what I was trying to change him into. A moderately decent human being who did NOT treat his wife like shit. I think that's an admirable goal. But I can't change anyone and I honestly have no right to try. And if it weren't for the Universe and God leading me to the 12 step program, I probably would still be in that marriage. My sponsor told me when I first came into program and she and I would talk, she never thought I would leave my marriage. But the insanity proved too much for me. And if I can just remember that I BELIEVE a power greater than myself can restore me to...well to as much sanity as I'm ever going to be capable of, then I know I can move forward not using because the car doesn't start or because my daughter has a bad report card or because work sucks or because something went wrong today like it will every single day for the rest of my life. From a broken fingernail to someone I love dying, I will never have a perfect day and Step 2 shows me that I can get through those...in a saneish manner...

Plan

I got all my hair cut off today. I love doing that. It makes me feel renewed somehow. That is the first step of what I'm calling The Forty Plan.
27 days from now I'm going to be 40 and I suddenly feel this need to get ready. I spent a lot of January getting dental work done. I've started wearing my glasses at work. I called my doctor to make two appointments. One for blood work so he'll have the results when I go back to him for my full physical. Not quite sure the age to get a colonoscopy but if its 40, here I go!!
I want to try and get my garage cleaned out by my birthday. This is a measurable, attainable goal, so I feel comfortable with it.
While I was sitting in the chair today, another hair stylist who did not know me actually let her mouth fall open when my lady mentioned I was almost 40. (I LOVE that!!!)
I'm going to make myself get 6 hours of sleep a night MINIMUM. Obviously, if there's an emergency, okay but besides that, 6 hours minimum is reasonable and necessary to keep my health in line.
Still off the sugar, meat, wheat (usually), soda, caffeine, fried foods. I went to the gym today to do weights and plan on trying to go back tomorrow for cardio.
I've even started washing my face and putting in my eye drops almost every night.
The most important thing I'm doing is NOT setting up a bunch of huge, Earth Shattering expectations that NO ONE could live up to. I'm just engaging in some self care, which is something that I should have been doing all along. I am excited about my forties. I make jokes with people about turning "39 for the 2nd time" but I see this entire new chapter unfolding and it is amazing.
I have a lot of exciting things going on in March. A lot of things planned that I am looking forward to. And after those are over, I have a lot more to look forward to. Again, no expectations that things are going to be perfect, but on the whole, I think my forties are totally gonna kick my thirties ass!

Strength

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, 14 years ago, I sprang into action. I read books, I asked her doctor questions, I was all over it. When someone needs me in a crisis, I am there, I am ready and I am able. So why am I hysterically sobbing in my car this morning? Simple. My kid's third grade teacher sent home a note on Thursday announcing that school pictures were on Friday. My kid was with my ex, who saw the note but did not feel compelled to call me and tell me. I got the news this morning from my daughter, when I picked her up and saw that her hair looked like a rats nest because she had only combed it with her fingers. Everyone of these things, so inconsequential. So minute. What did I do? I sprang into action. I got the hair fixed, I found the "prop" they were allowed to bring for the picture, I stuck a brush into her book bad and reminded her about 100 times during the 3/10 of a mile trek to brush her hair BEFORE the picture. Problem solved. Crisis averted. No harm, no foul. And if I hadn't been there, then you know what? Life would have gone on. I am not obligated to buy these school pictures. And God knows she's had other pictures where I did know a week in advance and the end result? Not the greatest. I mean, I've even joked with people that school pictures are, by their very definition, awful.
I think what got me, once the dust had settled, was how alone I feel sometimes. When I'm running around doing, what seems like, EVERYTHING and it feels like I get no help, it gets overwhelming.
Basically, all I was thinking this morning is, "Is it TOO much to send home the notice MORE than 16 hours before the picture is taken?"
"Is it really SO hard to call me on the phone and say 'School pix tomorrow'?"
"Is it really impossible to brush your hair in the morning, after almost 9 years of being told to do it every single morning?"
And when the answer is a resounding, "Yes, it is so hard...it is impossible...it is too much..." and I know the reaction if I just decided it was too much...
Of course, I hold no illusions. If I were hit by a bus tomorrow, it would get figured out. The thing is, I've changed. I am now much more organized, much more productive than I was even 6 months ago and I was pretty damn productive 6 months ago. I want to be the person who is described as keeping everything "running like a well oiled machine..." and it seems like everyone else keeps f$#%ing up my machine! I've changed, why can't they!?!?!? I rise to the occasion, why can't everyone else? Not all the time, just once in awhile. Once a month, do something that makes my life a little easier. Once a year, do something to accommodate me. I'm still a pretty easy person to please, I certainly haven't changed that much and finding someone, anyone to see that, to appreciate that, to do the very bare minimum it would take, still proves impossible. Now, considering that this was a reason I got a divorce, is it truly realistic to expect my ex to suddenly change? It is not realistic. And considering my daughter is a tiny, blond replica of her father, is it probable that she's suddenly going to change? It is not. And I don't know what the hell the teacher's problem is. Just wanted to screw up my life I guess!
Of course, none of this has anything to do with my mother moving in with me three days ago. And every year, I get a little off kilter when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue comes out. In 27 days, I'll be 40 and each year, it becomes more apparent that I am NEVER going to look like one of those girls. If I had a million dollars to spend on plastic surgery, I am STILL never going to look like one of those girls. And that's okay, 358 days a year. But the week after that issue comes out, I get into a little funk.
And while ALL this is going on, I'm killing myself trying not to use and not to binge, because it won't make anything better. Sometimes, it feels like more effort for something that doesn't pay off. But most of the time, it does pay off. I am (a little more) clear headed when I'm not using. I am able to view the miracles that happen every single day. I am able to enjoy my life and see how enhanced it is since my divorce.
And I feel like its impossible to bring any of this up to my ex because let's face it, while we were never equal partners when it came to house work, child care, finances, I don't think he even knows HOW to get his plates renewed on his car!, he was still here and I was able to rely on him for some things. So which is better?
Things will settle down, people keep telling me. So I've started telling myself that. But I don't really believe it. Things are only going to get more hectic, especially as my daughter gets older. Things are only going to get crazier. I need to stop living under the illusion that things are going to slow down. I'm on my own now. I'm loving it 80% of the time, but its not going to get leisurely. As much as I've dreaded chaos my entire life, I now have it coming out my ears. But it's a different kind of chaos, maybe its something I can embrace and enjoy, if I learn to go with it. Doesn't mean I won't get upset sometimes, but maybe this is the new goal, enjoying the chaos.

Serenity

I recently stopped referring to my ex Anti-Christ and as of 6pm this evening, I have no earthly idea why, so I am going to post something that speaks to recent growth and happiness in an attempt to not pierce his forehead with a sauce pan when he walks in the door. Ahhhhh...

My therapist says the root of my self destructive tendencies stems from my childhood. (Wait a minute! I get to blame my parents?!?!?!? SWEET!!!!) If you look up the word chaos in the dictionary, there is my 4th grade school picture. (Forgive the hair...my mother gave me a home perm) My mother was a chaos junkie. She sought out chaos and when she couldn't find it, she created it. Moving from city to city every 12-18 months, boyfriend after boyfriend (almost all married), money issues, always choosing her career above everything else. My father, while choosing a life of tranquility, decided to marry a woman who wanted no children and no reminders of his former life around which meant we weren't allowed in his house and never saw him. This all added up into a life that never seemed, for one day, to be even remotely stable. I had absolutely nothing to count on or hold onto.
Flash forward 20 years or so. I am married, I have a child, I have a house in a nice neighborhood. I've lived in this house for 10 years. That is 8 years longer than I have lived anywhere else...ever. It seems I had spent my life craving stability. Craving continuity. Desperately wanting something that seemed normal.
What I ended up with was a bad marriage that I stayed in way too long because I didn't want to give up the stability it offered. And I also ended up with money issues and work issues, because every time things would seem to be getting organized or stable in these areas, I would make sure they imploded and returned to...chaos.
I wanted to be organized and do everything I needed at work, but found myself unable to. I wanted to be on top of money, but never seemed able to get a handle on it. Finally, my therapist told me that chaos was my normal and no matter how much I hated my normal, it was still what I gravitated towards. That was an eye opener and something I continue to work on overcoming every day.
Lately, I've also realized that my recovery has been going well and while that's great, I haven't been feeling the usual euphoria I do when I'm on a roll. It's odd how non-plus I am. I mean, I have given my program one of the central focus points of my life, in a way I never have, but I'm not bouncing off the walls with giddiness and that's unusual for me. So I started examining it and realized that yes, I am not over the top blissful over my recovery and at the same time, I'm setting boundaries and getting (mostly) along with my X, I'm on top of my money, my jobs are going great, I am super organized in all these areas I've never been before, I feel I am very slowly making progress with the child of Anti...I mean my daughter...I am focusing on me rather than jumping into relationships with the potential to cause me pain...all these things are clicking. So maybe, just maybe, the frenzy is not normal. I mean, they call it the Serenity Prayer. Not the Ecstasy Prayer. Maybe the goal is to NOT be bi-polar!!!
I've been desperate for peace and tranquility for so long, but I didn't know what it looked like. One of the worst things you could ever be called or though of as in my family was normal. Normal was abhorrent. Ordinary, pedestrian...all dirty words. But maybe they were all wrong. Maybe peaceful, serene, normal are all things to be cherished and desired. I may not be hypering myself into a frenzy of elation, but the blows are also hitting me a little less hard and all of this is worth whatever I have to give up. I may not thing I want to give it up, but its time for a new normal and this recent one I'm trying on for size, is feeling pretty good.

True happiness is of a retired nature and an enemy to pomp & noise...Joseph Addison (from the OA For Today)

Control

I am sitting at my kitchen table across from the most horrible child in the history of the world. I am only writing this to keep myself from uttering the words out loud. I am also tempering it with the fact that she is so beautiful and so creative and so loving and so high strung and sensitive right now, its like living with a PMSing Poodle...on speed.
My theme of the last few days, with my sponsor, with my therapist, has been changing MY behavior. The only thing I truly have power over. I did it in relation to work, money, my X, my program. I can see so many differences in my life, my attitude, my serenity from 6 months ago. Or even 2 months ago. I have serenity coming out the wazoo. Except with her. I used to say that I didn't really care what anyone did. Live and let live. If I don't agree with you, we can agree to disagree because people have a right to think and say and act anyway they want. I do not resent these differences of perspective for one minute.
Unless you are my child. Or my mother. And probably my husband. I took care of the husband part. Not with the divorce, with changing my behavior. With ceasing to argue. With accepting the fact that if he promises to do something and flakes, I'll do it myself or it won't get done. This is not defeat. This is a huge step in my own recovery and mental wellness. I don't say "I'll do it myself or it won't get done" with animosity or any level of bitterness. I say it with a shrug, a smile and the peace that comes from knowing that this person's actions and words have no power over me anymore. And that took 14 years.
With my child, the stakes feel higher, which is why I go so berserk. It's very common in addicts, I think and is even mentioned in the recovery literature. I'm not a control freak in that "You must do what I say or suffer!!!" in a malevolent tone of voice while twisting my mustache. It's "If everyone would just follow my directions, we would all be so much happier..." it's begging people to make the right decision...to take the right action...to do what I say...or suffer...
And its really, now, just begging two people. My mother and my daughter. The two most complicated relationships I will ever have. The two people I love the most. The two people I want the most for and the most from.
But begging these people to change, begging them to be better, to live up to their full potential...it didn't work with my X and its not going to work with them. For God's sake, my mother will be 60 this year. Just when, exactly, to I expect this epiphany of potential to strike??!?!?!!??!
I am powerless over my control freak tendencies. I pray I can be released from the bondage of self and live and let live. I can guide without controlling. All the controlling is doing...the ONLY thing it is accomplishing...is making me crazy. That is its only purpose. I am breathing, I am thanking the Universe for the life I have and for these amazing women.
Now if I can just remember that and not kill them...I think that may be a step in the right direction...

Addiction

I don't drink anymore. Too many calories, too expensive. And I never drank that much. Too many bad memories of my parents drunk, too many alcoholics genetically linked to me. But when I did, I enjoyed the buzz. I miss that buzz.

I miss smoking pot. I've been thinking of asking people I know to get me some, but now it's a money concern as much as anything. Oh! And the whole "let's not get arrested" angle.

I literally go to sleep some nights and dream of refined sugar.

Fried foods rounds out the list. Along with artificial sweetner. Rolls. Pork. Pork rolls. Great! Now I'm hungry!!!

10 years later and I still miss cigarettes. I was a good smoker and I looked cool doing it! HA!

I think what I miss the most is the numbness. Sometimes I miss being disconnected. Sometimes, being "present" kind of blows. And I guess I'm not quite to the place where I can say, with complete confidence, that this is better. I used to get gas at the dentists office years ago and I would lay very very still with the mask over my nose and I felt perfectly normal. And then I would try to lift my head or my foot and start laughing because it was heavy and I was numb and it was funny. Effortlessly funny.

These days things aren't so effortless. And the artificial stimulation is less available. And less appealing? Well apparently not, judging from my wish list. But without all these things, I am currently susceptible to the full brunt of every single emotion that comes down the pike.

That sucks.

I don't feel like I get the cushion of zoning out on a good sugar high anymore. And dealing with life, while fighting off the urges that promise me, swear to me, that things will be better, for a minute, is exhausting. I think every addict knows that sometimes, 1 minute of better, followed by a week of self loathing can seem SO worth it. This addict used it as a motto for almost 40 years!

But that's the lie my addictions tell me every day. And its the lie that is going to kill me. And I heard someone say something that applies to me. It won't be quick, this death. It will be slow and drawn out.

But someone yesterday told me that despite A LOT of recent personal upheaval, I seem serene. That made me smile. And I thought about it and yes, maybe I am getting a little more serenity these days than I was in the past. I've had a shift in my recovery which is serving me well and makes my program seen less frangible. I'm working on taking each day as it comes and trying to look at what I can do rather than looking at the list of things I can't use anymore to keep myself from falling apart over the things I can't do! (See why I'm tired!?!)

I don't have a tidy wrap up. Each day comes as it comes and some days I want every single thing on my "No More" list, immediately, one right after the other and some days I want nothing. Maybe that's my life. Hell, maybe its the human condition. (WOW! I'm deep!)

Maybe it all comes back to me looking around and using, "Upright and breathing? Check!" as the starting point of each day.

Mississippi

Every step of the way, we walk the line
Your days are numbered, so are mine
Time is piling up, we struggle and we stray
We're all boxed in, nowhere to escape

City's just a jungle, more games to play
Trapped in the heart of it, tryin' to get away
I was raised in the country, I been working in the town
I been in trouble since I set my suitcase down.

Got nothing for you, I had nothing before
Don't even have anything for myself anymore
Sky full of fire, came pouring down
Nothing you can sell me, I'll see you around.

All my powers of expression and thoughts so sublime
Could never do you justice in reason or rhyme
There's only 1 thing I did wrong
I stayed in Mississippi a day too long.

Well, the devil's in the alley, mule's in the stall
Say anything you wanna, I have heard it all
I was thinking about the things that you said
I was dreaming I was sleeping in your bed

Walking through the leaves, falling from the trees,
Feeling like a stranger nobody sees.
So many things that we never will undo
I know you're sorry, I'm sorry too.

Some people will offer their hand and some won't
Last night I knew you, tonight I don't
I need something strong to distract my mind,
I'm gonna look at you 'til my eyes go blind

Well I got here following the southern star
I crossed the river just to be where you are
There's only 1 thing that I did wrong
I stayed in Mississippi a day too long

Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's skinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, go no past
But my heart's not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sail with me

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now

My clothes are wet, tight on my skin,
Not as tight as the corner I painted myself in
I know that fortune is waiting to be kind
So give me your hand and say you'll be mine

Well the emptiness is endless, cold as clay
You can always come back, but you can't come back all the way
Well there's only 1 thing that I did wrong
I stayed in Mississippi a day too long.
-Bob Dylan

Powerless - Step 1

Twelve Steps. Twelve Months. I'm not going crazy with the numbers, I'm merely pointing out that this may be a sign. That 2010, if absolutely nothing else, has the potential to be the year I FINALLY finished all 12 steps. So I'm making that commitment to all 4 people who read this...really to myself.

It is not a disgrace or a weakness to admit to admit powerlessness...That is an idea that has nothing to do with the truth...For Today

I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable.

I never thought I fought against the idea that I was powerless. I am powerless. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I use, I will binge. That's the fact. No way to spin that. What I've come to realize recently is that I've been trying to exert control over my disease by saying "I'll go back to following my program tomorrow, after I spend the day using..."
That right there shows how I had not in anyway given up power. Not at all.
I am powerless over my addiction. Over every single aspect of my addiction. There is not a corner of this I have power over. There is not 1/100 of a millimeter of this disease that I can control.

If I stop "supervising" my weight loss, it will be taken care of - in God's time. I pray for the willingness to do that...For Today

Another thing that made me suddenly realize that I might be sliding back was my sudden obsession with my body and my weight. The fact that I was suddenly so worried about losing weight and how fast could I lose it. Granted, I've put on some weight in the last 8 months, but the feelings I have been having have been gone for a really long time and I'm scared that they are back. I'm scared that suddenly I feel like nothing is worth doing that won't bring me glory. That's not just really sick, diseased thinking...for me it's old thinking. Thinking I don't want to return to. I am powerless over that kind of thinking.

Many of us believed that our lives would be managble if only others around us would do as we wanted. The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of OA

I am as powerless over my world and all the people in it as I am over the weather. I can control nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I can't control one single thing and at the very top of the things I can't control is me. I can't control my ex. I can't control my brother or my parents. I can't really control my child although that is one I struggle with every single day. But I really can't. As long as there is something I'm trying to control, then I'm going to be useless. I don't want to be useless. I want to give in and admit powerlessness. But I don't want to be useless.

God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change Courage to change the
things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next.
Amen

In Flux

The days can be good, the days can be bad and sometimes, they just are. And I'm not 100% convinced I am qualified to deal with any of them. I spoke at a meeting Sunday and that seemed to go well. But at the same time, I was anxious about my living situation and my economic stability. And that sort of cumulated into a Monday where I was just pissed. Pissed at everything. Pissed at everyone. I knew it was bad when I actually got pissed at my sponsor. Now she'll be the first to tell you her own shortcomings and its nothing that she would have blamed me for. In fact, the thing that pissed me off, she came back later and said she would back off before I even expressed that I might be angry, but in four years, I don't think I've ever been pissed at her. And that day I was. I was just upset about everything. And it wasn't hormones! Sometimes it is and I'm the first to admit that, but this time no. Things that pissed me off weeks before that I had come to terms with came up and I got repissed. And it also was not justifiable anger at any one thing. It was general annoyance that served no purpose and felt...I don't even know. Miserable I guess. But not really miserable. I was in limbo. That was exactly what it was. In limbo. Feeling like there was no where to go. Not up, not down, just hanging. Waiting to see from other people what was going to happen with my life is something I really hate. I hate feeling powerless. Maybe that's why it's been so hard getting a working program going for my addiction, because I will say I'm powerless and I think I believe it, but I hate it. Not that I know that many who are running around whooping it up over being powerless over a substance. This are crazy, things are hectic, I'm exhausted and I'm just pissy. I even found myself having a panic attack by placing myself in someone else's shoes regarding something they were going through. It's a very good chance I will never go through the same thing, but putting myself in their place invoked such terror, I almost had a panic attack.

I don't know if I'm out of it. I feel very non-plus. It is what it is and I can't say I'm happy. Maybe a little less annoyed. Maybe trying to feel like I'm getting my bearings back. Some things that were worrying me have resolved themselves to my advantage. My ex is acting as normal as is possible for him. I'm getting slammed at work, 8 hours a day, but I feel confident in my abilities there, probably for the first time ever. These are miracles. Everything is a miracle. My beautiful girl is smarter and wittier than I'll ever be and that scares the crap out of me and makes me so happy. I've had some alone time lately and that makes me happy...and lonely. There are things I want to get accomplished this year. Not resolutions, actions to keep my life in forward motion. But they take time, they take energy, they take willingness and I feel like I have none and when I do, I feel selfish for wanting to do things that only bring my pleasure. It's just a weird time. The universe feels like its in flux and I'm just along for the ride.

Change

I didn't want to drink that day, but I took no action to insure against it - Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (Page 517)

I had never read these words before last night. I almost didn't attend the meeting last night, weather, child care, etc. But I did and as always, I got hit between the eyes with what I needed to hear. There are so many days when I'm not hungry, I'm not emotional and yet I still find myself back into my disease. Because if I feel okay, then I don't need to DO anything, right? Just ride the wave! If I ride the wave, I drown. Every time.

Change is inevitable, but so much about my disease does not change. Accepting change and accepting what doesn't change (and the wisdom to know the difference!!!) is my goal today. Serenity Prayer is my lifeline today. May be something else tomorrow, but for today, this is what I'm holding onto.

Miracles

“There are two ways to live: as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein


Everyday there are a million miracles. I think I'm convinced of that. I feel extremely lucky to view the sunrise as a miracle and my daughter's smile as a miracle. The fact that 1 day before my direct deposit goes in, stuff hits my bank account I had forgotten about and I end up with NINETEEN cents in my account rather than becoming overdrawn. (True story). I feel so fortunate to recognize the miracles because I know so many don't.
Here's the problem with miracles. They can be a one time occurrence and I tend to forget that. Something changes, someone changes and I am so desperate for the change, for things to be different, that I grab a hold, as tight as I can, I close my eyes and I prepare for this change to last me the rest of my life. And it never works that way. This miracle I am so willing to receive...it may be a fluke. It may be the Universe saying,
"Dude, sucks to be you...we're gonna throw a little good your way so you don't blow your brains out..."
It could be that everything has lined up and made the miracle possible in that moment and then it was gone. Forever. Or maybe the miracle, while gone after that moment, leaves behind a bit of residual change or good will.
But I want permanent change. I want change to actually go against its very definition and not...well change!! And when I realize that the change is going to...change...it's a bitter disappointment. Sometimes it seems almost cruel.
"Look at how things COULD be...look at how wonderful and easy this CAN be...oops...wonderful and easy has to shove off! Later!"
Or maybe the miracle occurs, in a vaccuum, for a split second, to reinforce that I'm okay. That I made the right decision yesterday or a week ago and to tell me to keep going. Keep going. Don't rest. Don't stop. You have to keep your eye on the path IN FRONT of you.
Someone in program once said "I can't be abstinent on yesterday's prayers..."
Well, I can't be happy on yesterday's miracles, because what I will do is ride that miracle, use it to get me through all the bad stuff I don't want to deal with NOW. I will beat that dead miracle and violently wring every last God forsaken drop out of it until it's dead and I feel worse and can't even remember why that miracle was so great to begin with.
I keep thinking of nature. Leaves, butterflies, whatever is in front of me. I see a leaf or a butterfly and I am able to appreciate how beautiful that is. But I don't pick it up and stick it in a jar or a bag to covet and fawn over. In fact, pretty much as soon as its gone, I forget about that specific leaf. But it makes me feel better in that moment and I have a sense that there are more out there. More beautiful things to behold, millions of things. So I'm going to let the present go and move on into the next present and let the miracles of that moment unfold. I can use the miracles as memories to make myself feel better in down times, so long as that is my true intention. A brief solace...not a life preserver.

Journey

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step
Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever!!!!!! I've always hated this quote, along with "It's a journey, NOT a destination". Because if it truly is a journey, if that's all this life is chalked up to be, then who wins? Who gets the trophy? This has always been my attitude. It's changing and evolving and I am discovering things. Discovery. 2010, the year I turn 40, my first full year as a single person, is going to be the year of discovery. I am going to try and learn something every day. Maybe something about myself or someone else, maybe a small skill, hell maybe it will even just be a new word. Today's word of the day...
Panacea (pan-uh-SEE-uh) - A remedy for all diseases, problems or evils.
It's perfect because it reminds me that while I'm looking for big, I'm looking for huge, I'm looking for the answers to all life's mysteries and please have them here no later than January 3, alphabetized and cross referenced, thank you very much, what I'm going to get will be quite different. I may get small pieces of a bigger picture over the course of my life, I may get an answer here and there to a question I pose, I may get a level of peace and balance which will never completely prevent some stress from entering into my Universe. If I stop and try to figure out, each day, what I have learned, because I truly believe there is something every day, and while I'm at it, practice Steps 10, 11 & 12 every day, to the best of my ability, then maybe I can figure out what the Universe wants to come next.
Yesterday, I sent a raging manifesto to my ex. Had to be done. I had to say the words "I am not your doormat anymore". It may end up costing me years of misery, but yesterday, I had never felt more confident and in control.
I stepped up and told someone who was very important to me to stop contacting me altogether. Had to be done and while I may not feel better, I feel confident I made the right decision.
2009 was not the greatest year, but today what I discovered (and this very well may be ALL I discover today) is that I am entering 2010 in better shape than I entered 2009. It is not perfect, I am not perfect, 2010 may or may not go down as the worst year of my life and just that statement shows growth. I'm not putting out there that 2010 will suck, but neither am I going to say "Well, 2010 is going to be the best year EVER! Perfect! I will attain 100% true enlightenment, I will lose 30 pounds, I will be financially secure and in love by Halloween!" I am going to see what happens. I am positive that by making my actions line up with the path the Universe has set before me, I can accomplish something this year. Not naming that something, not going nuts to pigeonhole and label "the journey" is another sign of growth. Doesn't mean I can't have goals, if the goals are in line with the path, but for the first time, the goals aren't driving me crazy, the goals are not necessarily the main focus. Discovery, growth, balance, peace, recovery these are the focus. And I don't have to make lists and recount every minute of my day to see what columns my actions went into. As long as I am following the path, being open to the journey, I think I'll be okay.

Not creating delusions is enlightenment - Bodhisharma