Insane - Step 2

But the devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind - Euripides

Utterly senseless. This is the definition for insane in the dictionary. Insanity yields the following results: Extreme folly, foolhardiness. All these seem to point to people not with affected brains who have no control, but just with people who are too lazy to exert any common sense.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I LOVE the OA 12 & 12 book's Step 2 because its one of the only Chapters on Step 2 I can find that focuses less on the God aspect and more on the insanity aspect. Many of the others deal with how you can come to believe if you are an Atheist or an Agnostic, how you can believe in a Power or God and turn everything over. I have almost always believed in a Higher Power or that the Universe is guiding me and that this HP/Universe is capable of miracles. But do I believe I'm insane?
It took me long enough to admit that I was Powerless (Step 1) and now I'm supposed to admit I'm insane? I've honestly never thought about that part of Step 2. I have a problem, I am powerless, but insane? Stealing food, stealing money to buy food, eating out of the garbage, lying, hiding food in places all over my house, driving around to fast food restaurants, one right after with an infant in the back of the car who just wants to sleep in her own bed? Resenting my toddler because she wants some of my food...MY food!! Eating off other people's plates after they've finished their meals and weren't looking? Deciding I'm stressed and that I want a granola bar and eating a dozen in 10 minutes? Planning exactly what I would eat on a binge a week in advance? When I was a teenager, I worked in a restaurant and the walk in cooler had these gallon or more vats of whipped cream and of cherry pie filling. They used them to make the cakes they sold. I would offer to help clean up every night so I could sneak in there and eat out of these vats...directly. I wasn't taking a spoon and a bowl, I was sticking my hands into these vats and desperately licking them before anyone else would come in and see. Thank God I didn't have Hepatitis! When I was in my 20's, I worked as a cook at a daycare center. Best job of my life. I was alone, I made lunch for the kids and then I had the entire pantry to myself. Lord only knows how much money I cost that business in food NOT eaten by a small child.
But no, I've never been insane. Insane people have no sense of reality and insane people can't manage their own affairs. I've never been insane. All these things I've listed are just small symptoms of a larger problem, they just point to my powerlessness. But insane? Come on!
If I honestly examine it, I was never insane. I was too sick and diseased and fucked up to even qualify for insane!
And the thing is, I get that I'm going to be an addict for the rest of my life, but am I going to be insane the rest of my life? Its kind of looking that way and accepting that is something that actually keeps me sane. I'm sure someone, somewhere (probably many) have done tests on the minds of addicts, MRIs, CT Scans, etc. and I have a hard time believing our brains looked exactly like those of the rest of the population. When I am talking about work or parenting or relationships or money my sponsor will almost always begin her sentences with "We addicts..." because we aren't like everyone else. My brain processes things so differently. Something I heard when I got in the rooms, that I had never heard before, was "A normal person's car won't start, they go inside and call AAA. An addicts car won't start, they go inside and call the suicide hotline..."
Exactly. The funniest thing about insanity is that old saying, "Insanity is doing the exact same thing, over and over and expecting different results".
I've started thinking about all the years I spent on my marriage, so much effort on something that proved futile. I think about all the books and magazines and Dr. Phil (idiot) and Oprah (don't get me started) and the entire marriage counseling industry. They all applauded me. You don't give up the first time something goes wrong. Marriage is hard work. Here are some more exercises to work on your communication. And I just knew if I tried a different therapist or a different book, that things would get better. I spent 14 years waiting for things to get better.
It was the 12 Step Program where I first heard and came to believe, "You can't change anyone..." and it was also where I first heard the words "Accept the thing I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference..." and where I heard that definition of insanity. I may have been going about it from different angles, but I was trying to do the exact same thing over and over. Change him. Now no one would fault me for what I was trying to change him into. A moderately decent human being who did NOT treat his wife like shit. I think that's an admirable goal. But I can't change anyone and I honestly have no right to try. And if it weren't for the Universe and God leading me to the 12 step program, I probably would still be in that marriage. My sponsor told me when I first came into program and she and I would talk, she never thought I would leave my marriage. But the insanity proved too much for me. And if I can just remember that I BELIEVE a power greater than myself can restore me to...well to as much sanity as I'm ever going to be capable of, then I know I can move forward not using because the car doesn't start or because my daughter has a bad report card or because work sucks or because something went wrong today like it will every single day for the rest of my life. From a broken fingernail to someone I love dying, I will never have a perfect day and Step 2 shows me that I can get through those...in a saneish manner...