Strength

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, 14 years ago, I sprang into action. I read books, I asked her doctor questions, I was all over it. When someone needs me in a crisis, I am there, I am ready and I am able. So why am I hysterically sobbing in my car this morning? Simple. My kid's third grade teacher sent home a note on Thursday announcing that school pictures were on Friday. My kid was with my ex, who saw the note but did not feel compelled to call me and tell me. I got the news this morning from my daughter, when I picked her up and saw that her hair looked like a rats nest because she had only combed it with her fingers. Everyone of these things, so inconsequential. So minute. What did I do? I sprang into action. I got the hair fixed, I found the "prop" they were allowed to bring for the picture, I stuck a brush into her book bad and reminded her about 100 times during the 3/10 of a mile trek to brush her hair BEFORE the picture. Problem solved. Crisis averted. No harm, no foul. And if I hadn't been there, then you know what? Life would have gone on. I am not obligated to buy these school pictures. And God knows she's had other pictures where I did know a week in advance and the end result? Not the greatest. I mean, I've even joked with people that school pictures are, by their very definition, awful.
I think what got me, once the dust had settled, was how alone I feel sometimes. When I'm running around doing, what seems like, EVERYTHING and it feels like I get no help, it gets overwhelming.
Basically, all I was thinking this morning is, "Is it TOO much to send home the notice MORE than 16 hours before the picture is taken?"
"Is it really SO hard to call me on the phone and say 'School pix tomorrow'?"
"Is it really impossible to brush your hair in the morning, after almost 9 years of being told to do it every single morning?"
And when the answer is a resounding, "Yes, it is so hard...it is impossible...it is too much..." and I know the reaction if I just decided it was too much...
Of course, I hold no illusions. If I were hit by a bus tomorrow, it would get figured out. The thing is, I've changed. I am now much more organized, much more productive than I was even 6 months ago and I was pretty damn productive 6 months ago. I want to be the person who is described as keeping everything "running like a well oiled machine..." and it seems like everyone else keeps f$#%ing up my machine! I've changed, why can't they!?!?!? I rise to the occasion, why can't everyone else? Not all the time, just once in awhile. Once a month, do something that makes my life a little easier. Once a year, do something to accommodate me. I'm still a pretty easy person to please, I certainly haven't changed that much and finding someone, anyone to see that, to appreciate that, to do the very bare minimum it would take, still proves impossible. Now, considering that this was a reason I got a divorce, is it truly realistic to expect my ex to suddenly change? It is not realistic. And considering my daughter is a tiny, blond replica of her father, is it probable that she's suddenly going to change? It is not. And I don't know what the hell the teacher's problem is. Just wanted to screw up my life I guess!
Of course, none of this has anything to do with my mother moving in with me three days ago. And every year, I get a little off kilter when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue comes out. In 27 days, I'll be 40 and each year, it becomes more apparent that I am NEVER going to look like one of those girls. If I had a million dollars to spend on plastic surgery, I am STILL never going to look like one of those girls. And that's okay, 358 days a year. But the week after that issue comes out, I get into a little funk.
And while ALL this is going on, I'm killing myself trying not to use and not to binge, because it won't make anything better. Sometimes, it feels like more effort for something that doesn't pay off. But most of the time, it does pay off. I am (a little more) clear headed when I'm not using. I am able to view the miracles that happen every single day. I am able to enjoy my life and see how enhanced it is since my divorce.
And I feel like its impossible to bring any of this up to my ex because let's face it, while we were never equal partners when it came to house work, child care, finances, I don't think he even knows HOW to get his plates renewed on his car!, he was still here and I was able to rely on him for some things. So which is better?
Things will settle down, people keep telling me. So I've started telling myself that. But I don't really believe it. Things are only going to get more hectic, especially as my daughter gets older. Things are only going to get crazier. I need to stop living under the illusion that things are going to slow down. I'm on my own now. I'm loving it 80% of the time, but its not going to get leisurely. As much as I've dreaded chaos my entire life, I now have it coming out my ears. But it's a different kind of chaos, maybe its something I can embrace and enjoy, if I learn to go with it. Doesn't mean I won't get upset sometimes, but maybe this is the new goal, enjoying the chaos.