Control

I am sitting at my kitchen table across from the most horrible child in the history of the world. I am only writing this to keep myself from uttering the words out loud. I am also tempering it with the fact that she is so beautiful and so creative and so loving and so high strung and sensitive right now, its like living with a PMSing Poodle...on speed.
My theme of the last few days, with my sponsor, with my therapist, has been changing MY behavior. The only thing I truly have power over. I did it in relation to work, money, my X, my program. I can see so many differences in my life, my attitude, my serenity from 6 months ago. Or even 2 months ago. I have serenity coming out the wazoo. Except with her. I used to say that I didn't really care what anyone did. Live and let live. If I don't agree with you, we can agree to disagree because people have a right to think and say and act anyway they want. I do not resent these differences of perspective for one minute.
Unless you are my child. Or my mother. And probably my husband. I took care of the husband part. Not with the divorce, with changing my behavior. With ceasing to argue. With accepting the fact that if he promises to do something and flakes, I'll do it myself or it won't get done. This is not defeat. This is a huge step in my own recovery and mental wellness. I don't say "I'll do it myself or it won't get done" with animosity or any level of bitterness. I say it with a shrug, a smile and the peace that comes from knowing that this person's actions and words have no power over me anymore. And that took 14 years.
With my child, the stakes feel higher, which is why I go so berserk. It's very common in addicts, I think and is even mentioned in the recovery literature. I'm not a control freak in that "You must do what I say or suffer!!!" in a malevolent tone of voice while twisting my mustache. It's "If everyone would just follow my directions, we would all be so much happier..." it's begging people to make the right decision...to take the right action...to do what I say...or suffer...
And its really, now, just begging two people. My mother and my daughter. The two most complicated relationships I will ever have. The two people I love the most. The two people I want the most for and the most from.
But begging these people to change, begging them to be better, to live up to their full potential...it didn't work with my X and its not going to work with them. For God's sake, my mother will be 60 this year. Just when, exactly, to I expect this epiphany of potential to strike??!?!?!!??!
I am powerless over my control freak tendencies. I pray I can be released from the bondage of self and live and let live. I can guide without controlling. All the controlling is doing...the ONLY thing it is accomplishing...is making me crazy. That is its only purpose. I am breathing, I am thanking the Universe for the life I have and for these amazing women.
Now if I can just remember that and not kill them...I think that may be a step in the right direction...