Addiction

I don't drink anymore. Too many calories, too expensive. And I never drank that much. Too many bad memories of my parents drunk, too many alcoholics genetically linked to me. But when I did, I enjoyed the buzz. I miss that buzz.

I miss smoking pot. I've been thinking of asking people I know to get me some, but now it's a money concern as much as anything. Oh! And the whole "let's not get arrested" angle.

I literally go to sleep some nights and dream of refined sugar.

Fried foods rounds out the list. Along with artificial sweetner. Rolls. Pork. Pork rolls. Great! Now I'm hungry!!!

10 years later and I still miss cigarettes. I was a good smoker and I looked cool doing it! HA!

I think what I miss the most is the numbness. Sometimes I miss being disconnected. Sometimes, being "present" kind of blows. And I guess I'm not quite to the place where I can say, with complete confidence, that this is better. I used to get gas at the dentists office years ago and I would lay very very still with the mask over my nose and I felt perfectly normal. And then I would try to lift my head or my foot and start laughing because it was heavy and I was numb and it was funny. Effortlessly funny.

These days things aren't so effortless. And the artificial stimulation is less available. And less appealing? Well apparently not, judging from my wish list. But without all these things, I am currently susceptible to the full brunt of every single emotion that comes down the pike.

That sucks.

I don't feel like I get the cushion of zoning out on a good sugar high anymore. And dealing with life, while fighting off the urges that promise me, swear to me, that things will be better, for a minute, is exhausting. I think every addict knows that sometimes, 1 minute of better, followed by a week of self loathing can seem SO worth it. This addict used it as a motto for almost 40 years!

But that's the lie my addictions tell me every day. And its the lie that is going to kill me. And I heard someone say something that applies to me. It won't be quick, this death. It will be slow and drawn out.

But someone yesterday told me that despite A LOT of recent personal upheaval, I seem serene. That made me smile. And I thought about it and yes, maybe I am getting a little more serenity these days than I was in the past. I've had a shift in my recovery which is serving me well and makes my program seen less frangible. I'm working on taking each day as it comes and trying to look at what I can do rather than looking at the list of things I can't use anymore to keep myself from falling apart over the things I can't do! (See why I'm tired!?!)

I don't have a tidy wrap up. Each day comes as it comes and some days I want every single thing on my "No More" list, immediately, one right after the other and some days I want nothing. Maybe that's my life. Hell, maybe its the human condition. (WOW! I'm deep!)

Maybe it all comes back to me looking around and using, "Upright and breathing? Check!" as the starting point of each day.