Battles

My body feels like the enemy these days. It's trying to hurt me or kill me. I feel like I'm in this battle with it. If I'm not battling with it to lose weight and get healthy and exercise more and harder and fighting, day in and day out to NOT eat everything my body wants, then I'm punishing it with food. Why am I punishing it? Because it won't do what I want it to do, which is to be thin and not be addicted and not want food so much. It's like, "You want the food so badly? Here take it!" and then I feel sick but it feels like my body deserves that misery for making me feel so bad emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

My body image is such that I never notice when I'm gaining weight or losing weight. I mean, I notice as far as my clothes go, eventually, but if I look in the mirror, it always looks the same. 190, 240, no difference. I happened upon one of those TV shows the other day where people are on teams trying to lose weight. I had never watched any of them before. And they showed these very large people, men in shorts, women in shorts and sports bras, being turned around and showing their weights. So I'm watching, thinking, "What? She weighs 250 maybe?" and the woman weighed almost 400 pounds. I have no reality perception, which is why I can't look at myself and say "Hmmm...looks like I'm putting on a little weight..."

All I know is that it feels like my body is getting what it wants, which is for me to be fat and out of control. And it feels like my problem, like something I have to fix, not like something I can turn over, which is ridiculous, because there's really nothing I can't turn over. There's nothing I can't ask for help with.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, without an inkling of hesitation, that I am divorced because of program. I know that I would still be in the same horrible situation, if I had not walked through those doors 4 years ago. I know that I would either have lost the job I have now or at the very least would still be taking money for working my job at maybe 25% capacity. Now I am efficient and I feel with confidence that they are getting their moneys worth with me. I would still be where I was with managing money and although that is a slower go than some things, it is progressing and I am proud of that. I know that I would still be entering into relationships that were in no way what I needed. All these things are because the Universe led me to my 12 Step Program and I very clearly see that.

So why aren't my current actions in line with what I know and what I see? Because it feels like too much. The progress and the good things, they all require upkeep. They all require this continuous forward motion, so I keep working on them and I keep working both my jobs and I keep working towards raising my child and setting my boundaries with my ex and my mother and doing all this is already guaranteeing me no more than 5 hours of sleep a night! It feels like the program is just another thing to do, another thing to work on, another task, another chore and I'm so exhausted. And it's slipping away I know, I know, I know that if it does, everything else falls apart. All of it. Why doesn't that scare me more?

Today is new and today has no mistakes and all I have to do is make it through today. One day at a time. One day at a time. Turn it all over, even if it feels weak. Ask for help, even if it feels wrong. Today I am off work, today many of the responsibilities are on hold, so it's not an extra burden to do some work in the area that made all the other areas possible. Act as if, one day at a time...my body just says blah, blah, blah...

My mind says, "Do you want to die?" Maybe that's the battle to fight. I don't want to die today. I don't want to dig another hole in my grave. Today, I want to turn it over and stop worrying about it. I can simplify things by realizing that I don't have to deal with any of this crap. It's all going to fall apart if I just ignore it. But turning it over is not ignoring it. Letting something/someone bigger and certainly better equipped handle it. So that is my goal for today. Take off the armor and get ready...to not battle anymore.