Chi - The Chinese word used to describe "The Natural Energy of the Universe"
Shocker of shockers, my mother is upset. Mainly it has to do with Christmas. Offspring & I are going to where she lives the week before Christmas to spend the weekend and celebrate Christmas. At some point on that Saturday, my brother will come down. I love my brother very much, I love my mother very much. Together, they are like matches and gasoline. Just about every single event/get together/episode ends up with my brother yelling and my mother in tears. So I told her that this year, I would prefer if she & Offspring & I spent time alone celebrating and then she & my brother could spend time together alone, playing out their psychodrama. My mother hates this idea because she wants us to be together, as a family, to celebrate. I would like that as well, if I weren't so certain that things would go horribly awry. And I know, from my sponsor, that I can't predict what will happen, but if A+B=C and A+B has ALWAYS equaled C and you've spent 40 years trying to get A+B to equal D and it never has, not once, then it's a pretty safe bet that A+B WILL equal C once more.
And whose fault it is, who's to blame is irrelevant. The only thing that is important is this. I can't complain about it, as long as I keep showing up. I can't place myself in the role of victim when I keep inviting the perpetrators into my realm.
I was married for 12 years. 12 years to a man who treated me like I was the biggest idiot and the most disgusting wretch on the face of the Earth. Who is to blame? I am. I was never, once, in any physical danger from this man. No one forced me to stay with him. I made that choice. And yes, the reasons were honorable and admirable, perhaps. Not wanting to bolt at the first sign of trouble, wanting to give therapy (and more therapy and MORE therapy) a chance to run its course and work, wanting to keep our family together...on and on and on. Reason after reason. But the point is, I can't blame him for 12 years of misery, because I CHOSE to stay! And I can't blame my family for my feelings of misery or anger, if I keep showing up to these functions.
I could ask them to get along. I could beg them to get along. Done it. Done it. Over and over. Why is it my problem? Well, because I was bred, born and raised to keep the peace. Everyone is entitled to act as badly as they wish, except me. Now, once again, everyone with feeling! Whose fault is this? I'm not 11 anymore. It is my fault if I choose to play this role. Right now, my state of mind, my state of being, my purpose and my goals are up to me and the Universe. And I am making the choice to not allow any negative energy, as much as I can help it, permeate my mind right now.
I read my mother, word for word, the follow passage from Eat, Pray, Love this morning, when the author is deciding that she will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore and uses the harbor image not as a verb, but as a noun.
A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind- a little beat up, perhaps, a little storm worn, but well situated and with a nice depth.
It goes on to read:
And now-let the word go out across the seven seas-there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts-all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles...(it goes on for a bit with this list)...
This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind-otherwise, I shall turn you all back towards the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end.
And I know the author was talking about her own, inner thoughts, but for me, it seems to be all about the energy of others. I am done getting sucked into negativity, I am done getting sucked into anger, I am done getting sucked in, period. I am the master of my own harbor and I decide who is there and who isn't, simply by my presence. I understand that no one is prefect. I am not seeking out perfect. There are PLENTY of things I'm sure my family and friends overlook in the name of spending time with me. I am seeking out non-toxic. I am seeking out a sense of positive energy that at least dilutes the negative. I am seeking out some peace. And how I go about getting that, I will make those choices. Whoever docks here doesn't have to like it, but if they want to stick around, they need to at least respect the new harbor rules.
It's called "boundaries", my dear. And it is perfectly healthy to have them in your life. This is something I had to come to terms with years ago, and believe me, it is NOT easy. So many people will say you are trying to control them. No, you are controlling your own actions. They will use guilt and emotional blackmail ("how can you do this to me? we're your family." "you've turned your back on your family." "we see how much you actually care about us.") -- don't allow it. Don't argue against it. Use the words "choice" and "choose" regularly to place responsibility where it belongs.
ReplyDeleteYou have a right to your own health. It doesn't mean you don't love those who are in dysfunction and stuck in an unhappy cycle -- it means, as you said, that you CHOOSE not to allow it in your own life.
If you want to see your mother and siblings, try and arrange a time to be there when the brother isn't there. You indicated he will arrive later? Do not seek permission. If brother arrives on Saturday, say, "I'll be there wed, thursday and fri and I plan to leave friday evening." Guilt trips may ensue. Stick to your choice. You may feel pangs of guilt, but do this with your brain and not your heart. You can not control their choices but you can certainly control your own.
"Not being able to govern events, I govern myself." Michel de Montaigne