Acceptance

The conversations usually go like this:


Universe: Um...hello?
Me: Yes?
Universe: Why are you doing/or considering ____________ (insert destructive or somewhat unwise behavior in blank)
Me: I don't know. Seems like a good idea.
Universe: But didn't you already contemplate the opposite and realize that that was the best course of action? Didn't we discuss it? Didn't you mull it over, meditate and feel really good about your initial decision?
Me: Um...I guess so...
Universe: So why are you going back on that decision...
Me: Because going back on that decision allows me to indulge in and satisfy my baser desires or my self destructive habits of the past and feel good...at least temporarily.
Universe: Yeah, how's that worked out for you in the past?
Me: Well this time it's going to be different...
Universe: What makes you think that?
Me: I don't know...I just really want it to be different.
Universe: But how many times do things need to turn out the same before you realize you're stuck in a pattern? And that things aren't going to change? And that maybe...just maybe...by changing your action, you can come up with a better path...a better outcome?
Me: (silently shrugging)
Universe: :Lately, it seems you are spending a lot of time sending emails and apologizing to people because you've agreed to do certain things and then realized that agreeing to whatever it was was a mistake and it seems this could have been avoided by sticking to your original plans/goals/ideas.
Me: Dunno...(but I'm scuffling my feet and mumbling at this point.)
Universe: Really? You really, really don't know?

But I do know. And I HATE that I know and continue to rebel against what is ultimately the right thing to do. I HATE that I fight against acceptance so hard. I hate that my process always has to include so many false starts and self destructive pit stops on the way to the place I knew I needed to be in the first place but was too stubborn to just go directly to. I cringe thinking about how I should have gotten out of my marriage about 6 years sooner than I did. Spilt milk, I know, but it gets hard to accept that it takes so long to learn from past experiences and mistakes. Okay, those situations were what they were. But why can't I learn from them? Or at least learn how much pain and frustration could be avoided simply by taking the path I know I need to.
The little site seeing tours are too tempting, too often. Come on in...this time it'll be different. This time, it'll end better and even if it doesn't, you're going to have a bunch more fun during this than you ever would during self reflection, blah, blah, blah.

The cornerstone of my 12 step program is acceptance. God, Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now, maybe it's time to make that prayer the cornerstone of my life.