Hope

2009 has not been what I would call a stellar year. I hesitate to say it's been the worst year ever, because the universe will make me eat those words in 2010, but this year I got divorced and am still dealing with all that that entails. I had to put down my dog that I had had for 12 years. I met a wonderful man and was with him for 9 spectacular months only to have things blow up in my face in a very ugly way. (Do things ever blow up in someone's face in a good way?)
So it's day by day, sometimes hour by hour. And I'm working hard not to eat over it, so I feel like a raw nerve and life keeps poking me with sharp objects. Plus, one of my best friends is losing his partner and she is someone I love too. It makes some of my stuff seem insignificant, but I know if I blow my stuff off with a shrug and a "Eh...could be worse..." then I won't face it, deal with it and it will just fester and come back to bite me.
Today I tried to meditate. I got a quick study guide off the internet and took a little of the advice, but usually, my mind is just going too fast, in too many directions for me to focus. So this morning, I didn't really work on trying to get any great "enlightenment". I just sat in the dark, staring out the glass door onto my back yard and I spoke at first, out loud, just saying I wish things could be different. I don't know exactly what I want to be different and maybe acceptance means things can't be different, but its honestly what I felt. Then I started breathing, I closed my eyes, and everytime anything would enter my mind, I would say "Go away". I said "Go away" to my ex-husband, "Go away" to work, "Go away" to my kid, everything. Then I started breathing, in and out and when I breathed out, I made a noise that sounded like "Hum" and it all worked. I was able to relax a little, I felt kind of centered. When I opened my eyes, I realized the cat was sitting directly in front of me, looking out the same glass door, sitting perfectly still and breathing. Maybe he thinks I know what is out there or that I have a secret. I really don't. But for today, I have hope that it's something better.

The future is full of promise, Holy Mystery,
if only because we discern your forces of evolution at work everywhere.
Every opening daffodil, every growing child,
every glimmer of human enlightenment, every bodily process of healing -- tells us the future is not fearsome but is full of promise.
Your face is hidden, your name unknown:
still we turn to you in faith and confidence.
Creating Spirit, we hear your comforting voice
in the steady music of the unfolding of creation.
We give thanks to exist,
and to be the joy of your heart.
Amen.

- William Cleary