Resentments

My mother is in town and brought 20 ziploc bags, all filled with sugar products. On top of this, I get to listen to her complain about how fat and unattractive she is...as she eats all this food.

The idiot at Barnes & Noble would not let me pay for my CD at the front of the store and chased me half way down the store to tell me I had to return to the back of the store.

The people at my flexspending company refuse to say "May I help you?" They answer the phone and say, "Thank you for calling, this call may be monitored, I'm Jesse..." and then dead silence. I hate that. It bugs me.

There's a lady at my first job who keeps leaving her teenage son sitting in the lobby while she works out and he's mentally challenged and keeps following me around while I'm trying to work, asking me questions I don't have the answers to.

My ex-husband is an idiot.

My kid whines a lot and her best friend is in town, staying with us part of the week and that girl is super pushy.

The stuff that is just a blip on the radar is throwing me all out of whack yesterday and today. And I know why. It's that stupid commitment I made and the actions I am not taking because the actions in question do not follow my path laid out by the Universe.

So the idea that I would wake up the next day, feeling proud of myself, feeling stronger and more confident in my choices? Yeah, bullshit. I am really resentful at the Universe and since I have no idea how to rail against the Universe, I am going to get pissy and bitter at everything around me. The stuff that usually doesn't phase me at all.

3 more days and this God forsaken year will be over.

But I'm upright and breathing and I'm thankful for that. The other stuff will pass. I can't let the resentments, which will pop up every day of my life in one form or another, throw me off course. I am strong, I am invincible, (I think you know where I'm going with this...)

By the way, according to Google, the picture on this post is the Chinese symbol for moron. That was one of the first things that made me smile today.

Committment

I made a commitment. The commitment was to follow the path the Universe laid out before me. The commitment was to try, for once in my life, to not fight this path. The commitment was to trust the Universe to know what was right. And this commitment has brought me a lot of peace and serenity and balance over the past few months. So if this is the case, where do the tests come from? Is the Universe testing me? I think my Sponsor thinks so. Maybe things get thrown at us to make sure we are serious about our commitment. Especially when there are those (not me of course!) who are infamous for NEVER sticking to a commitment. For NEVER trusting the Universe. For ALWAYS thinking that the path that leads to my immediate gratification is the best way to go. Maybe the test is a way to convince myself that I really am growing and getting stronger. I'm not saying no to xyz action, I'm saying yes to the commitment I made.
When I am in the dark days of my disease and I make a commitment to get back on track, that commitment is always the next day or the next week. I have always, truly felt that one more hit was not going to hurt me one way or the other. And while I have, at times, felt guilt, for losing abstinence, I have never felt guilt over the last hit that I've always taken after the FUTURE commitment to abstain. (If you're using a calculator at home, it all makes sense!)
But maybe if I had made a commitment and started at that moment, I would have felt better about myself. So tonight, I said no. It wasn't to something having to do with food, but it was all about my addiction. It was all about my powerlessness over everything, except the choice to follow the path that's been put in front of me.
Was one deviation going to throw off the entire balance I have gained as a result of my commitment? Maybe not.
Am I willing to risk it? I am not.
Am I happy and at peace? Absolutely not. This blows!!!
Am I proud of myself, nah but maybe I will be.
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and say, "Man, I'm glad I didn't go down that road."
Maybe I won't. But I'm not willing to engage in a crap shoot with my life anymore and maybe that's the first step to finding more balance and more peace.

Holidays

I love holidays. I always have. I love this "magic" that seems to surround them. I love the traditions, I love the way people smile just a little bit more or are perhaps a little kinder. I love Christmas, I love Thanksgiving. I love the holidays that I have traditionally not celebrated, Jewish Holidays, Islamic Holidays. I find it comforting to know what certain days can be special and hold a place in our hearts. I'm one of those who looks up the weird holidays some guy in his basement made up. I ENJOY wishing people a Happy National Pawnbrokers Day on December 6 or Happy Ball Point Pen Day on June 10 (making NONE of these up!)
But then I get wary, because I wonder WHY do so many people feel the need to ONLY share their feelings of love and gratitude on certain days of the year? Then I get almost defensive towards myself, because if someone knows I love them and cherish them and that they enhance my life in a million ways every day and that I need them ONLY because I express this on December 25th or Thanksgiving or their birthday and that's it, then I'm sorry, I'm the most horrific friend/partner/daughter/mother on the face of the planet.
Truly, in the end its a day just like every other day. A day to be experienced, hopefully for the good. A day to take the bad and see what the Universe is holding out for me. A day to make sure that the people I love know I love them, the way I hope they know every other day. A day to make amends for my shortcomings and to embrace my strengths and see how I can hopefully help someone else. And if I can't, then hope against all hope that I have done no harm either.
So to whoever you are, wherever you are right now...Happy Friday and I love you. Just like I did yesterday. Just like I will tomorrow. Thank you for being in my life and for letting me in yours. Thank you for helping me build my fortress against cruelty and injustice that is sometimes doled out while also helping me to keep my heart open. Thank you for the advice, the shoulder to cry on, the hand to hold, the laughter to join in with and for wiping away my tears. Thank you on this magical day..magical because it's today and because it's only 7 hours old and there are still limitless possibilities to cling to...for loving me.

Better

I LOVE New Years. Love it, love it, love it. It's like something wonderful out there presents you with this gift. "Here are THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE DAYS just for you. If you make a mess on some, it's okay because THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE of anything is A LOT!"
Leap years? Almost a sexual experience!
But I am an addict and I don't look at things like normal people. Actually, I'm not sure I looked at things normally before I became an addict. (Before I became an addict...I think it was from the ages of birth through 7...I just remember "Billy Don't be a Hero" playing in the background...) So I'm about to get this fresh start, right? It's coming and I'm so excited about it that what I'm going to do is spend the last two months of the year I'm actually living in planning for the New Year. It starts with Resolutions and a list...I always have a list going. Now, how can I make this list become a reality? Well, I have to start obsessively planning how I'm going to accomplish (insert goal here) and then I will start reading everything I can find on this topic, buying whatever has been recommended, talking to people who HAVE actually done this and perhaps been successful. I am relentless in my pursuit of these goals. For two months, it is my reason for getting up in the morning and I go to sleep at night thinking about the next days tasks all in the name of getting this goal done because once this goal has been accomplished, my life will be PERFECT!!!
And what always happens it that after all this time and energy invested, by January 2, something has gone wrong with it, I get frustrated and it's over. Wasted time, wasted resources and all I have to show for it is...nothing.
I do this to a certain extent on a smaller scale as each Monday approaches or as the 1st of each month approaches, but New Years, that's my mecca. 2007? When January 1st was on a Monday?!?!? Well, I still get chills remembering that!
So a few days ago when I started thinking about the New Year, it was mostly in relation to being REALLY ready for 2009 to be over. But honestly, 2009 has not been all that bad. At some point, my sponsor pointed out, in the last 4-5 weeks, I've turned a corner. I'm calmer, I'm more centered, I am back in touch with The Universe (HP/God/What have you) and I'm really trying to take things as they come. I started thinking about all this when my diseased brain wanted me to "get with the program" and kick my prep work into high gear. I mean, for the love of God, it's only TWO WEEKS until the New Year and I haven't even started!!!!
So here is my prep work: I am throwing out into the Universe this idea...2010 will be better.
My house and my car will not be immaculate. My money will not ALWAYS be perfectly monitored and yes, I will probably encounter a late fee or two. I will not ALWAYS see eye to eye with everyone in my life. I will not ALWAYS be free of stress and worry. I will not ALWAYS be proactive at work, although I am super proud of myself for how far I've come with regards to my work ethic. I will not ALWAYS be exercising the way I feel I should.

I refuse to claim that I won't ALWAYS be abstinent because I have to be abstinent.

But I'm going to be better. Life will be better. Even the last four months, when so much has happened, divorce, dead dog, unemployed ex, dear friends sick, dear friends departed I really have felt a sense of calm and peace and serenity. It really has been okay. And so I'm going to focus my energy on making my actions fall in line, as much as they ever have, with this idea of better. I want to look at a situation and say "Is this The Universe's will and are my actions in line with that?" that will make it better.
In the spirit of this new outlook, I am thinking that I may even skip the traditional "Airing of the Grievances" next Wednesday when its Festivus. After all, that is "the most wonderful time of the year". I'm expecting them to update the song any day now.

Instinct

Follow your instincts. That's where true wisdom manifests itself.
- Oprah Winfrey


I hate Oprah. But there are dozens of quotes out there about trusting your instincts. Go with your gut. It's what so many people are told. And where would I be if I trusted my gut? I would weigh 400 pounds, I would be bankrupt, living in a cardboard box and probably have a disease of some sort! Now, I refer to the immediate instinct. Because that's what most of these quotes seem to refer to. What do you feel about this decision and/or situation NOW??? Right this very instant?!!??!?!?! Commit to a decision IMMEDIATELY because it's probably right!!!! I've always preferred the "When in doubt, the answer is C" theory because life, for me, just doesn't work this way.
My first question is almost always "What will bring me pleasure? What will make me happy?" I don't feel sorry for myself (although it may sound like it!) but sometimes I wonder if this is an offshoot of feeling like my overall happiness was so unimportant to so many for so many years? Now, I have done a lot of soul searching (assisted by a therapist and 12 step program) and realized that it isn't anyone's job to make me happy. In fact, no one can make me happy and I can't make anyone happy. My actions may cause a feeling of happiness to someone else or someone's actions may cause a feeling of happiness in me, but if I am a happy person, that's no one else's responsibility. And while I feel at peace with this idea and feel that it serves me well, this theory was NOT my first instinct! My first instinct was "My parent's didn't care, my husband didn't care, they spent decades tearing down every bit of self esteem I had and lucky for me, I'm not a serial killer! Everyone pity me while also admiring my resiliency!"
It goes back to that idea of the immediate gratification. My sponsor says "We are pleasure junkies" and it's true. I want that moment of bliss. I want that little surge from a nice pair of shoes (actually it's never a nice pair of shoes, it's always an out of print CD that can only be found in Korea for $75.00) or a really good kiss or a big piece of birthday cake with frosting roses the size of my fist and when presented with it, my instinct is "Jump on it...or you'll never get it again..." and that introduces fear into the equation.
Even these days, when I'm working so hard on not fighting the path the Universe lays out for me (and succeeding a time or two!), the path I want to take, immediately, in the exact moment a situation presents itself, is the path of pleasure. And while these trips down these paths have been enjoyable at times, they have not served me well in the big picture. I need to take a moment, I need to breath, I need to throw whatever it is out into the Universe and see what comes back (i.e. pray) and look very closely at the path, because I'm sure once my brain gets a whiff of all this, it will start camouflaging the Pleasure Path to LOOK like the Best path and then it's going to be twice as hard.
But for now, having some clarity on this, I'm working hard to change. Emails that go beyond "Hey what's up?" go into the draft folder for at least 48 hours before they are sent or I send them to my safe people who will reply "Are you smoking peyote again? DELETE!"
And while shopping itself is not usually a big issue, purchases that are not for basic essentials get to float around in my head for a day or two or three before any money is laid down.
The big decisions (and there seem to be a lot of them lately) have to settle. They have to lose their shiny immediacy (Shiny immediacy...great band name!) so I can view them for what they are, so I can discuss them with my mental team, so I can let the Universe weigh in and make an informed decision. Yes, this can be trying to those who just want me to pick a damn bowl of soup already in the restaurant (HA) but today, I am, thankfully, once again, upright and breathing. That, right now, is the measure of success.

I'm glad Oprah is retiring.

Desire for Peace

Peace is not something you wish for. It's something you make, something you do, something you are and something you give away." Robert Fulghum

Desire. My God the things I desire to do. Some...okay many of them are, at best, counterproductive. And when I have overcome temptation...when the Universe does me a solid and helps me push through to the other side, I feel so wonderful. Proud and strong and capable and focused and at peace. But during the times when I want to do...whatever it is I want to do...it feels like I'm going to die if I don't. And it's not just the food addiction. Sometimes, luckily not all the time, it's buying something. Sometimes, it's an action I wish to take. Sometimes it's something I want to say. And yes, sometimes it's food. Whatever it is, the desire can be so strong, that it feels like a tidal wave that is drowning me. Here's where the Universe is helping me. Lately, I let the tidal wave flow over me and after the period of white knuckling it to get around it, then it's gone. Probably not forever, but it's gone and I'm not wallowing in self loathing for succumbing. Because honestly, it's the trick that my mind plays on me. "This is going to kill me...not doing this...not eating this...not getting this...not doing what I want with this person...it's going to kill me..."
Well here I am, upright and breathing.
I have a deep seeded fear of the unpleasant. Of awkwardness, of discomfort, of feeling like my chest is caving in and my stomach doing sickened acrobatics because of this fear. It's why arguing makes me nauseous. But these things aren't killing me. Are they making me stronger, as the old adage attests? I'm not that far along in the journey yet. For now I'm feeling peaceful and that is something I've always said I desired, even when nothing else in my life spoke to that. So maybe it's time to chase peace with the same aggressiveness that I've chased all the self destructive things in my life. And maybe it's also time to look at Peace as something I make, I do, I am and I give away.

The Universe

Okay, no way in hell would I EVER spend $225 on a necklace, but if I were...this would be it. Amazing.

Happiness

I keep remembering one of my Guru’s teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you’re fortunate enough. But that’s not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don’t, you will leak away your innate contentment. It’s easy enough to pray when you’re in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.
Eat, Pray, Love

Divorce was final 2 months and 1 day ago. Put my dog down 4 weeks ago today. My ex-husband was put on "furlough" yesterday and is basically out of a job. I'm slowly starting to get my bearings back after the very abrupt ending to my last relationship 3 weeks ago today. But I'm okay. I'm starting to realize that life goes on. It has always, always amazed me how life goes on.

When I was growing up, my grandmother was my best friend in the world. She died 22 years ago and still, sometimes, I can hardly believe she's been gone. That I went on. I got married. I had a child. I got older without her. It still feels odd. But life does indeed go on. And I'm going on with it.

This sense of peace has sort of descended upon me. And I have great faith that this peace can segue into happiness and that I can fight to maintain that happiness. Not that sad times won't come, not that I won't get frustrated and crazed, but that I can participate, relentlessly, in the manifestations of my own blessings and be a better person for it.

High on life! Walkin' on sunshine! Seriously, what am I smoking? Eh, screw it! Maybe it's the new me! And the old me needs to stop participating in the relentless mocking of new me and jump on board.

Acceptance

The conversations usually go like this:


Universe: Um...hello?
Me: Yes?
Universe: Why are you doing/or considering ____________ (insert destructive or somewhat unwise behavior in blank)
Me: I don't know. Seems like a good idea.
Universe: But didn't you already contemplate the opposite and realize that that was the best course of action? Didn't we discuss it? Didn't you mull it over, meditate and feel really good about your initial decision?
Me: Um...I guess so...
Universe: So why are you going back on that decision...
Me: Because going back on that decision allows me to indulge in and satisfy my baser desires or my self destructive habits of the past and feel good...at least temporarily.
Universe: Yeah, how's that worked out for you in the past?
Me: Well this time it's going to be different...
Universe: What makes you think that?
Me: I don't know...I just really want it to be different.
Universe: But how many times do things need to turn out the same before you realize you're stuck in a pattern? And that things aren't going to change? And that maybe...just maybe...by changing your action, you can come up with a better path...a better outcome?
Me: (silently shrugging)
Universe: :Lately, it seems you are spending a lot of time sending emails and apologizing to people because you've agreed to do certain things and then realized that agreeing to whatever it was was a mistake and it seems this could have been avoided by sticking to your original plans/goals/ideas.
Me: Dunno...(but I'm scuffling my feet and mumbling at this point.)
Universe: Really? You really, really don't know?

But I do know. And I HATE that I know and continue to rebel against what is ultimately the right thing to do. I HATE that I fight against acceptance so hard. I hate that my process always has to include so many false starts and self destructive pit stops on the way to the place I knew I needed to be in the first place but was too stubborn to just go directly to. I cringe thinking about how I should have gotten out of my marriage about 6 years sooner than I did. Spilt milk, I know, but it gets hard to accept that it takes so long to learn from past experiences and mistakes. Okay, those situations were what they were. But why can't I learn from them? Or at least learn how much pain and frustration could be avoided simply by taking the path I know I need to.
The little site seeing tours are too tempting, too often. Come on in...this time it'll be different. This time, it'll end better and even if it doesn't, you're going to have a bunch more fun during this than you ever would during self reflection, blah, blah, blah.

The cornerstone of my 12 step program is acceptance. God, Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now, maybe it's time to make that prayer the cornerstone of my life.

Energy

Chi - The Chinese word used to describe "The Natural Energy of the Universe"

Shocker of shockers, my mother is upset. Mainly it has to do with Christmas. Offspring & I are going to where she lives the week before Christmas to spend the weekend and celebrate Christmas. At some point on that Saturday, my brother will come down. I love my brother very much, I love my mother very much. Together, they are like matches and gasoline. Just about every single event/get together/episode ends up with my brother yelling and my mother in tears. So I told her that this year, I would prefer if she & Offspring & I spent time alone celebrating and then she & my brother could spend time together alone, playing out their psychodrama. My mother hates this idea because she wants us to be together, as a family, to celebrate. I would like that as well, if I weren't so certain that things would go horribly awry. And I know, from my sponsor, that I can't predict what will happen, but if A+B=C and A+B has ALWAYS equaled C and you've spent 40 years trying to get A+B to equal D and it never has, not once, then it's a pretty safe bet that A+B WILL equal C once more.
And whose fault it is, who's to blame is irrelevant. The only thing that is important is this. I can't complain about it, as long as I keep showing up. I can't place myself in the role of victim when I keep inviting the perpetrators into my realm.

I was married for 12 years. 12 years to a man who treated me like I was the biggest idiot and the most disgusting wretch on the face of the Earth. Who is to blame? I am. I was never, once, in any physical danger from this man. No one forced me to stay with him. I made that choice. And yes, the reasons were honorable and admirable, perhaps. Not wanting to bolt at the first sign of trouble, wanting to give therapy (and more therapy and MORE therapy) a chance to run its course and work, wanting to keep our family together...on and on and on. Reason after reason. But the point is, I can't blame him for 12 years of misery, because I CHOSE to stay! And I can't blame my family for my feelings of misery or anger, if I keep showing up to these functions.
I could ask them to get along. I could beg them to get along. Done it. Done it. Over and over. Why is it my problem? Well, because I was bred, born and raised to keep the peace. Everyone is entitled to act as badly as they wish, except me. Now, once again, everyone with feeling! Whose fault is this? I'm not 11 anymore. It is my fault if I choose to play this role. Right now, my state of mind, my state of being, my purpose and my goals are up to me and the Universe. And I am making the choice to not allow any negative energy, as much as I can help it, permeate my mind right now.

I read my mother, word for word, the follow passage from Eat, Pray, Love this morning, when the author is deciding that she will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore and uses the harbor image not as a verb, but as a noun.

A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind- a little beat up, perhaps, a little storm worn, but well situated and with a nice depth.

It goes on to read:

And now-let the word go out across the seven seas-there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts-all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles...(it goes on for a bit with this list)...
This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind-otherwise, I shall turn you all back towards the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end.

And I know the author was talking about her own, inner thoughts, but for me, it seems to be all about the energy of others. I am done getting sucked into negativity, I am done getting sucked into anger, I am done getting sucked in, period. I am the master of my own harbor and I decide who is there and who isn't, simply by my presence. I understand that no one is prefect. I am not seeking out perfect. There are PLENTY of things I'm sure my family and friends overlook in the name of spending time with me. I am seeking out non-toxic. I am seeking out a sense of positive energy that at least dilutes the negative. I am seeking out some peace. And how I go about getting that, I will make those choices. Whoever docks here doesn't have to like it, but if they want to stick around, they need to at least respect the new harbor rules.

Thankful

Yes, Turkey Holocaust Day has arrived! A friend of mine asked if my 12 Step Sponsor makes me write a gratitude list on Thanksgiving and I said she doesn't, but this year I did it on my own. So to anyone reading this, you're already on it...today and every day.

The universe
A beautiful, healthy child who loves me and challenges me and makes my heart cry with joy every day (as I rip my hair out simultaneously)
My sponsor
A place to live
Clothes to wear
Food to eat
A job (or two) that supports me and my child
My friends who love me unconditionally
My family (yes today I am thankful for them)
The family cat (man am I in a good mood!)
Having 12 years with the best dog that was ever put on Earth
A healthy body
A (relatively) sound mind
A lot of rain lately
Even though I am not particularly patriotic, I am thankful for living in a country where I have the right to not be patriotic
Having almost 18 years with the most wonderful grandmother that was ever put on Earth
My therapist
My 12 step program
The good sense of humor
Music in every form it takes
Freedom from my addictions
A working automobile
Sun (when it's not too hot)
The opportunities to travel
The opportunities to love and be loved I've received so far in my life and the opportunities I believe I'll receive in the future
The fact that my child has a truly wonderful father, even if he wasn't the greatest husband
An ex-husband who, while not always the easiest person to co-exist with on this planet, could be SO much worse
The smell of fresh cut grass
Walmart, where you can find the cheesecloth you need to make soup at 9pm the night before Thanksgiving
A mind that is open to new ideas and possibilities
Water I drink, water I bathe in, water I've been lucky enough to see in the form of truly humbling, mesmerizing oceans, lakes and rivers.

Going to stop at 31 because it's 2am and I want to get up and go hiking in the morning. Offspring is with ex for two days, mother not in town, brother working. So I'm going to enjoy some solitude and what I hope will be a time of self reflection. But then yesterday, while picking up leeks at the grocery store, I was overcome with all the people running around, the Christmas music, the spirit of the Universe at that moment and the message I got was, "Self reflection and solitude are truly gifts, but so is human interaction and closeness..." so I called my brother and told him I had changed my mind and if he was up for it, I wanted he & I to sit down and eat together today...whenever. He was and so we will and I will still get my solitude before and I'll get more closeness and human interaction at my meeting tonight.
The Universe, as it always has lately, whether I see it or not, has provided me balance.
And I am thankful.

Soul Mates

I heard people talk about the book Eat, Pray, Love. Mainly I heard it dismissed as a bunch of New Age Hooey. Then I heard Julia Roberts was making a movie of the book. Okay, whatever. Then, a friend I hadn't seen in a long time brought me the book. Out of the clear blue, she just handed it to me and said her mother said that I should read it, if I had just gotten divorced. So I started. OH MY GOD, I am on each and every page. I am this woman. Over and over again I come upon something that hits me right between the eyes. And beginning the book six weeks after my divorce and 9 days after the end of my beautiful, 9 month odyssey of love and sex and bliss with my Mr. Wonderful, well that certainly helped me to grab onto every single "embrace-life-get-your-chakras-in-order" pearl of wisdom that came across the page. But today, I really did read something that truly helped me.

Mr. Wonderful and I are apart. And it's been very difficult for both of us and the word "soul mate" has been tossed around a little. He says I am his soul mate. I told him once that I didn't believe in that one perfect person, a soul mate. But then I read this:

Your problem is you don't understand what that word {soul mate} means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attentio so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave. And thank God for it.

So maybe he was my soul mate after all. I guess what I have to keep telling myself is that I was going to end it. That was the plan. The shock of the way it ending up going, the almost violent conclusion (not violent in the physical sense...violent in how abrupt it was) has shaken me and I'm still recovering from that. But every time I start getting sucked back into "How can I get it all back..." I need to remember that I was getting ready to let it go. Maybe I thought we would be friends forever. Maybe I thought we could still see each other on a platonic level. Maybe that's the idea I'm not ready to let go of. But there was an ending coming. And what I keep coming back to is that maybe it ended the way it was supposed to. And what I also keep coming back to is that doing the right thing can really blow. It's hard and it's painful and shouldn't it be easier and simpler than this? Maybe I wouldn't gain any insight or enlightenment if it were.
Hindsight being what it is, when will I look back and say, "It ended the way it had to..."
Six months? A year? Guess that's another answer I have to wait for.

Patience

The universe is a funny thing. Sometimes, after 2 weeks of hell, a decision to stop having sex and plans to spend 48 hours in reflection and self discovery and almost entire solitude there comes...a moment. A moment when a hot guy 6 years younger than you makes a flirty comment and it shifts and changes to "Screw it! I want to sleep with you! I want a body next to me! That is it! I just want someone to feel close to and someone to hold me and someone I can pretend that things aren't quite as crappy as they really are with!"
So that moment comes. One "Hey baby!" and all the self actualization just flies out the window. But the universe had different plans. Recently I decided to end, at least the physical part of a relationship I was in. It was a fully formed plan, I thought, developed with much insight and logic. And the universe (God, Higher Power, the great Cloud Being, What have you) said "Okay, I'm not sure you'll actually go through with it...let me help you out..." and ends it for you. It sucks, it's ugly and nasty, but it had to be done and now it is. So thanks I guess?
Now tonight, while I'm doing a stupid little flirty text and deciding when and where I'll get sex...really good sex from the looks of him...the Universe said "Hey, didn't you just say you were going to cease and desist on all the horizontal naked time to get your head clear?" so that when I text, "Any free time between Wednesday & Friday night?" the response is "None at all."
Maybe I'm reading too much into it or maybe the universe knows what I'm supposed to be doing. I often come up with the right answers. I often come up with the right decisions. It's the follow through I have trouble with. Can't always quite stick the landing. So, for now, the universe is helping me out a little and it sucks, but it's necessary. So for now, I will say, through bitterly gritted teeth...thank you.

Hope

2009 has not been what I would call a stellar year. I hesitate to say it's been the worst year ever, because the universe will make me eat those words in 2010, but this year I got divorced and am still dealing with all that that entails. I had to put down my dog that I had had for 12 years. I met a wonderful man and was with him for 9 spectacular months only to have things blow up in my face in a very ugly way. (Do things ever blow up in someone's face in a good way?)
So it's day by day, sometimes hour by hour. And I'm working hard not to eat over it, so I feel like a raw nerve and life keeps poking me with sharp objects. Plus, one of my best friends is losing his partner and she is someone I love too. It makes some of my stuff seem insignificant, but I know if I blow my stuff off with a shrug and a "Eh...could be worse..." then I won't face it, deal with it and it will just fester and come back to bite me.
Today I tried to meditate. I got a quick study guide off the internet and took a little of the advice, but usually, my mind is just going too fast, in too many directions for me to focus. So this morning, I didn't really work on trying to get any great "enlightenment". I just sat in the dark, staring out the glass door onto my back yard and I spoke at first, out loud, just saying I wish things could be different. I don't know exactly what I want to be different and maybe acceptance means things can't be different, but its honestly what I felt. Then I started breathing, I closed my eyes, and everytime anything would enter my mind, I would say "Go away". I said "Go away" to my ex-husband, "Go away" to work, "Go away" to my kid, everything. Then I started breathing, in and out and when I breathed out, I made a noise that sounded like "Hum" and it all worked. I was able to relax a little, I felt kind of centered. When I opened my eyes, I realized the cat was sitting directly in front of me, looking out the same glass door, sitting perfectly still and breathing. Maybe he thinks I know what is out there or that I have a secret. I really don't. But for today, I have hope that it's something better.

The future is full of promise, Holy Mystery,
if only because we discern your forces of evolution at work everywhere.
Every opening daffodil, every growing child,
every glimmer of human enlightenment, every bodily process of healing -- tells us the future is not fearsome but is full of promise.
Your face is hidden, your name unknown:
still we turn to you in faith and confidence.
Creating Spirit, we hear your comforting voice
in the steady music of the unfolding of creation.
We give thanks to exist,
and to be the joy of your heart.
Amen.

- William Cleary