Committment

I made a commitment. The commitment was to follow the path the Universe laid out before me. The commitment was to try, for once in my life, to not fight this path. The commitment was to trust the Universe to know what was right. And this commitment has brought me a lot of peace and serenity and balance over the past few months. So if this is the case, where do the tests come from? Is the Universe testing me? I think my Sponsor thinks so. Maybe things get thrown at us to make sure we are serious about our commitment. Especially when there are those (not me of course!) who are infamous for NEVER sticking to a commitment. For NEVER trusting the Universe. For ALWAYS thinking that the path that leads to my immediate gratification is the best way to go. Maybe the test is a way to convince myself that I really am growing and getting stronger. I'm not saying no to xyz action, I'm saying yes to the commitment I made.
When I am in the dark days of my disease and I make a commitment to get back on track, that commitment is always the next day or the next week. I have always, truly felt that one more hit was not going to hurt me one way or the other. And while I have, at times, felt guilt, for losing abstinence, I have never felt guilt over the last hit that I've always taken after the FUTURE commitment to abstain. (If you're using a calculator at home, it all makes sense!)
But maybe if I had made a commitment and started at that moment, I would have felt better about myself. So tonight, I said no. It wasn't to something having to do with food, but it was all about my addiction. It was all about my powerlessness over everything, except the choice to follow the path that's been put in front of me.
Was one deviation going to throw off the entire balance I have gained as a result of my commitment? Maybe not.
Am I willing to risk it? I am not.
Am I happy and at peace? Absolutely not. This blows!!!
Am I proud of myself, nah but maybe I will be.
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and say, "Man, I'm glad I didn't go down that road."
Maybe I won't. But I'm not willing to engage in a crap shoot with my life anymore and maybe that's the first step to finding more balance and more peace.