Forgetting to Remember

Things get busy. Things get hectic. Things get frustrating. Relationships get ugly or heartbreaking. Money gets tight. Cars break down. Pets get sick. Children get into trouble. People die. Jobs get lost. Health goes downhill. Friends get hurt. So with all these things going on, its so easy to forget. Easy to forget that I am a good person. Easy to forget that I am a kind person. That I care for people to the best of my ability. That I have been blessed with physical health. That I have been blessed with not living in true poverty (poverty being a relative term at times!). That I have skills and talents. That I took a life that was so much less than what it could be and turned it over and accepted the miracles and today find myself in some kind of dream world where it feels there are no limits to what I can do. It's easy to forget that I have heard the words, "You are a good daughter" and "You are the best mother anyone could ever have" and "You are a good friend" and while the sentiment behind these words is certainly a work in progress and I know better than to take a daily poll, those words mean something to me. It's easy to forget that I can be fun, that I love to flirt and have a good time. Easy to forget that there have been people who enjoy being around me. Easy to forget that struggling with an addiction and knowing I didn't fall back in yesterday is huge. And that it takes a lot from a person to wake up fighting that every day. Every day forever. It's easy to forget that there are people who love me. Truly love me for exactly who I am. And that some of the people who might be critical (as I see it) or may have a million and one suggestions for how I could change, if I truly look into their hearts, they still love me the way I am too. That's something I've never been able to remember. It's easy to forget that there are people that aren't going to like me or love me and that I can't waste my energy trying to change their mind. It's easy to forget that I have a place in a Universe that wants me to succeed and be happy and tries its best to back me up on that. It's really easy to forget that things that are hard to take usually happen for a reason and that with distance and a spirit of acceptance, I may get the miracle of a drop of insight into what that reason is. And if I don't get that, then I wasn't meant to have it.
That's a lot to remember when I struggle to remember to send in lunch money some days! But truly, they aren't things I guess or things I remember. They are things I know. Things I know deep down. Things I can use to anchor me in the middle of a storm of life that is whipping me around from one end of the boat to another. The things I can hold onto when its dark and I feel lonely. The light at the end of the tunnel. Last night, at my meeting I read the words "Sunshine of the spirit" and "The Road of Happy Destiny" and all these things are included in that Sunshine and on that Road and every day, I thank the Universe for allowing me a moment of clarity to recognize, to participate, to love myself and always remember what I know.

Insane - Step 2

But the devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind - Euripides

Utterly senseless. This is the definition for insane in the dictionary. Insanity yields the following results: Extreme folly, foolhardiness. All these seem to point to people not with affected brains who have no control, but just with people who are too lazy to exert any common sense.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I LOVE the OA 12 & 12 book's Step 2 because its one of the only Chapters on Step 2 I can find that focuses less on the God aspect and more on the insanity aspect. Many of the others deal with how you can come to believe if you are an Atheist or an Agnostic, how you can believe in a Power or God and turn everything over. I have almost always believed in a Higher Power or that the Universe is guiding me and that this HP/Universe is capable of miracles. But do I believe I'm insane?
It took me long enough to admit that I was Powerless (Step 1) and now I'm supposed to admit I'm insane? I've honestly never thought about that part of Step 2. I have a problem, I am powerless, but insane? Stealing food, stealing money to buy food, eating out of the garbage, lying, hiding food in places all over my house, driving around to fast food restaurants, one right after with an infant in the back of the car who just wants to sleep in her own bed? Resenting my toddler because she wants some of my food...MY food!! Eating off other people's plates after they've finished their meals and weren't looking? Deciding I'm stressed and that I want a granola bar and eating a dozen in 10 minutes? Planning exactly what I would eat on a binge a week in advance? When I was a teenager, I worked in a restaurant and the walk in cooler had these gallon or more vats of whipped cream and of cherry pie filling. They used them to make the cakes they sold. I would offer to help clean up every night so I could sneak in there and eat out of these vats...directly. I wasn't taking a spoon and a bowl, I was sticking my hands into these vats and desperately licking them before anyone else would come in and see. Thank God I didn't have Hepatitis! When I was in my 20's, I worked as a cook at a daycare center. Best job of my life. I was alone, I made lunch for the kids and then I had the entire pantry to myself. Lord only knows how much money I cost that business in food NOT eaten by a small child.
But no, I've never been insane. Insane people have no sense of reality and insane people can't manage their own affairs. I've never been insane. All these things I've listed are just small symptoms of a larger problem, they just point to my powerlessness. But insane? Come on!
If I honestly examine it, I was never insane. I was too sick and diseased and fucked up to even qualify for insane!
And the thing is, I get that I'm going to be an addict for the rest of my life, but am I going to be insane the rest of my life? Its kind of looking that way and accepting that is something that actually keeps me sane. I'm sure someone, somewhere (probably many) have done tests on the minds of addicts, MRIs, CT Scans, etc. and I have a hard time believing our brains looked exactly like those of the rest of the population. When I am talking about work or parenting or relationships or money my sponsor will almost always begin her sentences with "We addicts..." because we aren't like everyone else. My brain processes things so differently. Something I heard when I got in the rooms, that I had never heard before, was "A normal person's car won't start, they go inside and call AAA. An addicts car won't start, they go inside and call the suicide hotline..."
Exactly. The funniest thing about insanity is that old saying, "Insanity is doing the exact same thing, over and over and expecting different results".
I've started thinking about all the years I spent on my marriage, so much effort on something that proved futile. I think about all the books and magazines and Dr. Phil (idiot) and Oprah (don't get me started) and the entire marriage counseling industry. They all applauded me. You don't give up the first time something goes wrong. Marriage is hard work. Here are some more exercises to work on your communication. And I just knew if I tried a different therapist or a different book, that things would get better. I spent 14 years waiting for things to get better.
It was the 12 Step Program where I first heard and came to believe, "You can't change anyone..." and it was also where I first heard the words "Accept the thing I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference..." and where I heard that definition of insanity. I may have been going about it from different angles, but I was trying to do the exact same thing over and over. Change him. Now no one would fault me for what I was trying to change him into. A moderately decent human being who did NOT treat his wife like shit. I think that's an admirable goal. But I can't change anyone and I honestly have no right to try. And if it weren't for the Universe and God leading me to the 12 step program, I probably would still be in that marriage. My sponsor told me when I first came into program and she and I would talk, she never thought I would leave my marriage. But the insanity proved too much for me. And if I can just remember that I BELIEVE a power greater than myself can restore me to...well to as much sanity as I'm ever going to be capable of, then I know I can move forward not using because the car doesn't start or because my daughter has a bad report card or because work sucks or because something went wrong today like it will every single day for the rest of my life. From a broken fingernail to someone I love dying, I will never have a perfect day and Step 2 shows me that I can get through those...in a saneish manner...

Plan

I got all my hair cut off today. I love doing that. It makes me feel renewed somehow. That is the first step of what I'm calling The Forty Plan.
27 days from now I'm going to be 40 and I suddenly feel this need to get ready. I spent a lot of January getting dental work done. I've started wearing my glasses at work. I called my doctor to make two appointments. One for blood work so he'll have the results when I go back to him for my full physical. Not quite sure the age to get a colonoscopy but if its 40, here I go!!
I want to try and get my garage cleaned out by my birthday. This is a measurable, attainable goal, so I feel comfortable with it.
While I was sitting in the chair today, another hair stylist who did not know me actually let her mouth fall open when my lady mentioned I was almost 40. (I LOVE that!!!)
I'm going to make myself get 6 hours of sleep a night MINIMUM. Obviously, if there's an emergency, okay but besides that, 6 hours minimum is reasonable and necessary to keep my health in line.
Still off the sugar, meat, wheat (usually), soda, caffeine, fried foods. I went to the gym today to do weights and plan on trying to go back tomorrow for cardio.
I've even started washing my face and putting in my eye drops almost every night.
The most important thing I'm doing is NOT setting up a bunch of huge, Earth Shattering expectations that NO ONE could live up to. I'm just engaging in some self care, which is something that I should have been doing all along. I am excited about my forties. I make jokes with people about turning "39 for the 2nd time" but I see this entire new chapter unfolding and it is amazing.
I have a lot of exciting things going on in March. A lot of things planned that I am looking forward to. And after those are over, I have a lot more to look forward to. Again, no expectations that things are going to be perfect, but on the whole, I think my forties are totally gonna kick my thirties ass!

Strength

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, 14 years ago, I sprang into action. I read books, I asked her doctor questions, I was all over it. When someone needs me in a crisis, I am there, I am ready and I am able. So why am I hysterically sobbing in my car this morning? Simple. My kid's third grade teacher sent home a note on Thursday announcing that school pictures were on Friday. My kid was with my ex, who saw the note but did not feel compelled to call me and tell me. I got the news this morning from my daughter, when I picked her up and saw that her hair looked like a rats nest because she had only combed it with her fingers. Everyone of these things, so inconsequential. So minute. What did I do? I sprang into action. I got the hair fixed, I found the "prop" they were allowed to bring for the picture, I stuck a brush into her book bad and reminded her about 100 times during the 3/10 of a mile trek to brush her hair BEFORE the picture. Problem solved. Crisis averted. No harm, no foul. And if I hadn't been there, then you know what? Life would have gone on. I am not obligated to buy these school pictures. And God knows she's had other pictures where I did know a week in advance and the end result? Not the greatest. I mean, I've even joked with people that school pictures are, by their very definition, awful.
I think what got me, once the dust had settled, was how alone I feel sometimes. When I'm running around doing, what seems like, EVERYTHING and it feels like I get no help, it gets overwhelming.
Basically, all I was thinking this morning is, "Is it TOO much to send home the notice MORE than 16 hours before the picture is taken?"
"Is it really SO hard to call me on the phone and say 'School pix tomorrow'?"
"Is it really impossible to brush your hair in the morning, after almost 9 years of being told to do it every single morning?"
And when the answer is a resounding, "Yes, it is so hard...it is impossible...it is too much..." and I know the reaction if I just decided it was too much...
Of course, I hold no illusions. If I were hit by a bus tomorrow, it would get figured out. The thing is, I've changed. I am now much more organized, much more productive than I was even 6 months ago and I was pretty damn productive 6 months ago. I want to be the person who is described as keeping everything "running like a well oiled machine..." and it seems like everyone else keeps f$#%ing up my machine! I've changed, why can't they!?!?!? I rise to the occasion, why can't everyone else? Not all the time, just once in awhile. Once a month, do something that makes my life a little easier. Once a year, do something to accommodate me. I'm still a pretty easy person to please, I certainly haven't changed that much and finding someone, anyone to see that, to appreciate that, to do the very bare minimum it would take, still proves impossible. Now, considering that this was a reason I got a divorce, is it truly realistic to expect my ex to suddenly change? It is not realistic. And considering my daughter is a tiny, blond replica of her father, is it probable that she's suddenly going to change? It is not. And I don't know what the hell the teacher's problem is. Just wanted to screw up my life I guess!
Of course, none of this has anything to do with my mother moving in with me three days ago. And every year, I get a little off kilter when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue comes out. In 27 days, I'll be 40 and each year, it becomes more apparent that I am NEVER going to look like one of those girls. If I had a million dollars to spend on plastic surgery, I am STILL never going to look like one of those girls. And that's okay, 358 days a year. But the week after that issue comes out, I get into a little funk.
And while ALL this is going on, I'm killing myself trying not to use and not to binge, because it won't make anything better. Sometimes, it feels like more effort for something that doesn't pay off. But most of the time, it does pay off. I am (a little more) clear headed when I'm not using. I am able to view the miracles that happen every single day. I am able to enjoy my life and see how enhanced it is since my divorce.
And I feel like its impossible to bring any of this up to my ex because let's face it, while we were never equal partners when it came to house work, child care, finances, I don't think he even knows HOW to get his plates renewed on his car!, he was still here and I was able to rely on him for some things. So which is better?
Things will settle down, people keep telling me. So I've started telling myself that. But I don't really believe it. Things are only going to get more hectic, especially as my daughter gets older. Things are only going to get crazier. I need to stop living under the illusion that things are going to slow down. I'm on my own now. I'm loving it 80% of the time, but its not going to get leisurely. As much as I've dreaded chaos my entire life, I now have it coming out my ears. But it's a different kind of chaos, maybe its something I can embrace and enjoy, if I learn to go with it. Doesn't mean I won't get upset sometimes, but maybe this is the new goal, enjoying the chaos.

Serenity

I recently stopped referring to my ex Anti-Christ and as of 6pm this evening, I have no earthly idea why, so I am going to post something that speaks to recent growth and happiness in an attempt to not pierce his forehead with a sauce pan when he walks in the door. Ahhhhh...

My therapist says the root of my self destructive tendencies stems from my childhood. (Wait a minute! I get to blame my parents?!?!?!? SWEET!!!!) If you look up the word chaos in the dictionary, there is my 4th grade school picture. (Forgive the hair...my mother gave me a home perm) My mother was a chaos junkie. She sought out chaos and when she couldn't find it, she created it. Moving from city to city every 12-18 months, boyfriend after boyfriend (almost all married), money issues, always choosing her career above everything else. My father, while choosing a life of tranquility, decided to marry a woman who wanted no children and no reminders of his former life around which meant we weren't allowed in his house and never saw him. This all added up into a life that never seemed, for one day, to be even remotely stable. I had absolutely nothing to count on or hold onto.
Flash forward 20 years or so. I am married, I have a child, I have a house in a nice neighborhood. I've lived in this house for 10 years. That is 8 years longer than I have lived anywhere else...ever. It seems I had spent my life craving stability. Craving continuity. Desperately wanting something that seemed normal.
What I ended up with was a bad marriage that I stayed in way too long because I didn't want to give up the stability it offered. And I also ended up with money issues and work issues, because every time things would seem to be getting organized or stable in these areas, I would make sure they imploded and returned to...chaos.
I wanted to be organized and do everything I needed at work, but found myself unable to. I wanted to be on top of money, but never seemed able to get a handle on it. Finally, my therapist told me that chaos was my normal and no matter how much I hated my normal, it was still what I gravitated towards. That was an eye opener and something I continue to work on overcoming every day.
Lately, I've also realized that my recovery has been going well and while that's great, I haven't been feeling the usual euphoria I do when I'm on a roll. It's odd how non-plus I am. I mean, I have given my program one of the central focus points of my life, in a way I never have, but I'm not bouncing off the walls with giddiness and that's unusual for me. So I started examining it and realized that yes, I am not over the top blissful over my recovery and at the same time, I'm setting boundaries and getting (mostly) along with my X, I'm on top of my money, my jobs are going great, I am super organized in all these areas I've never been before, I feel I am very slowly making progress with the child of Anti...I mean my daughter...I am focusing on me rather than jumping into relationships with the potential to cause me pain...all these things are clicking. So maybe, just maybe, the frenzy is not normal. I mean, they call it the Serenity Prayer. Not the Ecstasy Prayer. Maybe the goal is to NOT be bi-polar!!!
I've been desperate for peace and tranquility for so long, but I didn't know what it looked like. One of the worst things you could ever be called or though of as in my family was normal. Normal was abhorrent. Ordinary, pedestrian...all dirty words. But maybe they were all wrong. Maybe peaceful, serene, normal are all things to be cherished and desired. I may not be hypering myself into a frenzy of elation, but the blows are also hitting me a little less hard and all of this is worth whatever I have to give up. I may not thing I want to give it up, but its time for a new normal and this recent one I'm trying on for size, is feeling pretty good.

True happiness is of a retired nature and an enemy to pomp & noise...Joseph Addison (from the OA For Today)

Control

I am sitting at my kitchen table across from the most horrible child in the history of the world. I am only writing this to keep myself from uttering the words out loud. I am also tempering it with the fact that she is so beautiful and so creative and so loving and so high strung and sensitive right now, its like living with a PMSing Poodle...on speed.
My theme of the last few days, with my sponsor, with my therapist, has been changing MY behavior. The only thing I truly have power over. I did it in relation to work, money, my X, my program. I can see so many differences in my life, my attitude, my serenity from 6 months ago. Or even 2 months ago. I have serenity coming out the wazoo. Except with her. I used to say that I didn't really care what anyone did. Live and let live. If I don't agree with you, we can agree to disagree because people have a right to think and say and act anyway they want. I do not resent these differences of perspective for one minute.
Unless you are my child. Or my mother. And probably my husband. I took care of the husband part. Not with the divorce, with changing my behavior. With ceasing to argue. With accepting the fact that if he promises to do something and flakes, I'll do it myself or it won't get done. This is not defeat. This is a huge step in my own recovery and mental wellness. I don't say "I'll do it myself or it won't get done" with animosity or any level of bitterness. I say it with a shrug, a smile and the peace that comes from knowing that this person's actions and words have no power over me anymore. And that took 14 years.
With my child, the stakes feel higher, which is why I go so berserk. It's very common in addicts, I think and is even mentioned in the recovery literature. I'm not a control freak in that "You must do what I say or suffer!!!" in a malevolent tone of voice while twisting my mustache. It's "If everyone would just follow my directions, we would all be so much happier..." it's begging people to make the right decision...to take the right action...to do what I say...or suffer...
And its really, now, just begging two people. My mother and my daughter. The two most complicated relationships I will ever have. The two people I love the most. The two people I want the most for and the most from.
But begging these people to change, begging them to be better, to live up to their full potential...it didn't work with my X and its not going to work with them. For God's sake, my mother will be 60 this year. Just when, exactly, to I expect this epiphany of potential to strike??!?!?!!??!
I am powerless over my control freak tendencies. I pray I can be released from the bondage of self and live and let live. I can guide without controlling. All the controlling is doing...the ONLY thing it is accomplishing...is making me crazy. That is its only purpose. I am breathing, I am thanking the Universe for the life I have and for these amazing women.
Now if I can just remember that and not kill them...I think that may be a step in the right direction...