Acceptance

The conversations usually go like this:


Universe: Um...hello?
Me: Yes?
Universe: Why are you doing/or considering ____________ (insert destructive or somewhat unwise behavior in blank)
Me: I don't know. Seems like a good idea.
Universe: But didn't you already contemplate the opposite and realize that that was the best course of action? Didn't we discuss it? Didn't you mull it over, meditate and feel really good about your initial decision?
Me: Um...I guess so...
Universe: So why are you going back on that decision...
Me: Because going back on that decision allows me to indulge in and satisfy my baser desires or my self destructive habits of the past and feel good...at least temporarily.
Universe: Yeah, how's that worked out for you in the past?
Me: Well this time it's going to be different...
Universe: What makes you think that?
Me: I don't know...I just really want it to be different.
Universe: But how many times do things need to turn out the same before you realize you're stuck in a pattern? And that things aren't going to change? And that maybe...just maybe...by changing your action, you can come up with a better path...a better outcome?
Me: (silently shrugging)
Universe: :Lately, it seems you are spending a lot of time sending emails and apologizing to people because you've agreed to do certain things and then realized that agreeing to whatever it was was a mistake and it seems this could have been avoided by sticking to your original plans/goals/ideas.
Me: Dunno...(but I'm scuffling my feet and mumbling at this point.)
Universe: Really? You really, really don't know?

But I do know. And I HATE that I know and continue to rebel against what is ultimately the right thing to do. I HATE that I fight against acceptance so hard. I hate that my process always has to include so many false starts and self destructive pit stops on the way to the place I knew I needed to be in the first place but was too stubborn to just go directly to. I cringe thinking about how I should have gotten out of my marriage about 6 years sooner than I did. Spilt milk, I know, but it gets hard to accept that it takes so long to learn from past experiences and mistakes. Okay, those situations were what they were. But why can't I learn from them? Or at least learn how much pain and frustration could be avoided simply by taking the path I know I need to.
The little site seeing tours are too tempting, too often. Come on in...this time it'll be different. This time, it'll end better and even if it doesn't, you're going to have a bunch more fun during this than you ever would during self reflection, blah, blah, blah.

The cornerstone of my 12 step program is acceptance. God, Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change...the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now, maybe it's time to make that prayer the cornerstone of my life.

Energy

Chi - The Chinese word used to describe "The Natural Energy of the Universe"

Shocker of shockers, my mother is upset. Mainly it has to do with Christmas. Offspring & I are going to where she lives the week before Christmas to spend the weekend and celebrate Christmas. At some point on that Saturday, my brother will come down. I love my brother very much, I love my mother very much. Together, they are like matches and gasoline. Just about every single event/get together/episode ends up with my brother yelling and my mother in tears. So I told her that this year, I would prefer if she & Offspring & I spent time alone celebrating and then she & my brother could spend time together alone, playing out their psychodrama. My mother hates this idea because she wants us to be together, as a family, to celebrate. I would like that as well, if I weren't so certain that things would go horribly awry. And I know, from my sponsor, that I can't predict what will happen, but if A+B=C and A+B has ALWAYS equaled C and you've spent 40 years trying to get A+B to equal D and it never has, not once, then it's a pretty safe bet that A+B WILL equal C once more.
And whose fault it is, who's to blame is irrelevant. The only thing that is important is this. I can't complain about it, as long as I keep showing up. I can't place myself in the role of victim when I keep inviting the perpetrators into my realm.

I was married for 12 years. 12 years to a man who treated me like I was the biggest idiot and the most disgusting wretch on the face of the Earth. Who is to blame? I am. I was never, once, in any physical danger from this man. No one forced me to stay with him. I made that choice. And yes, the reasons were honorable and admirable, perhaps. Not wanting to bolt at the first sign of trouble, wanting to give therapy (and more therapy and MORE therapy) a chance to run its course and work, wanting to keep our family together...on and on and on. Reason after reason. But the point is, I can't blame him for 12 years of misery, because I CHOSE to stay! And I can't blame my family for my feelings of misery or anger, if I keep showing up to these functions.
I could ask them to get along. I could beg them to get along. Done it. Done it. Over and over. Why is it my problem? Well, because I was bred, born and raised to keep the peace. Everyone is entitled to act as badly as they wish, except me. Now, once again, everyone with feeling! Whose fault is this? I'm not 11 anymore. It is my fault if I choose to play this role. Right now, my state of mind, my state of being, my purpose and my goals are up to me and the Universe. And I am making the choice to not allow any negative energy, as much as I can help it, permeate my mind right now.

I read my mother, word for word, the follow passage from Eat, Pray, Love this morning, when the author is deciding that she will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore and uses the harbor image not as a verb, but as a noun.

A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind- a little beat up, perhaps, a little storm worn, but well situated and with a nice depth.

It goes on to read:

And now-let the word go out across the seven seas-there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts-all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles...(it goes on for a bit with this list)...
This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind-otherwise, I shall turn you all back towards the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end.

And I know the author was talking about her own, inner thoughts, but for me, it seems to be all about the energy of others. I am done getting sucked into negativity, I am done getting sucked into anger, I am done getting sucked in, period. I am the master of my own harbor and I decide who is there and who isn't, simply by my presence. I understand that no one is prefect. I am not seeking out perfect. There are PLENTY of things I'm sure my family and friends overlook in the name of spending time with me. I am seeking out non-toxic. I am seeking out a sense of positive energy that at least dilutes the negative. I am seeking out some peace. And how I go about getting that, I will make those choices. Whoever docks here doesn't have to like it, but if they want to stick around, they need to at least respect the new harbor rules.

Thankful

Yes, Turkey Holocaust Day has arrived! A friend of mine asked if my 12 Step Sponsor makes me write a gratitude list on Thanksgiving and I said she doesn't, but this year I did it on my own. So to anyone reading this, you're already on it...today and every day.

The universe
A beautiful, healthy child who loves me and challenges me and makes my heart cry with joy every day (as I rip my hair out simultaneously)
My sponsor
A place to live
Clothes to wear
Food to eat
A job (or two) that supports me and my child
My friends who love me unconditionally
My family (yes today I am thankful for them)
The family cat (man am I in a good mood!)
Having 12 years with the best dog that was ever put on Earth
A healthy body
A (relatively) sound mind
A lot of rain lately
Even though I am not particularly patriotic, I am thankful for living in a country where I have the right to not be patriotic
Having almost 18 years with the most wonderful grandmother that was ever put on Earth
My therapist
My 12 step program
The good sense of humor
Music in every form it takes
Freedom from my addictions
A working automobile
Sun (when it's not too hot)
The opportunities to travel
The opportunities to love and be loved I've received so far in my life and the opportunities I believe I'll receive in the future
The fact that my child has a truly wonderful father, even if he wasn't the greatest husband
An ex-husband who, while not always the easiest person to co-exist with on this planet, could be SO much worse
The smell of fresh cut grass
Walmart, where you can find the cheesecloth you need to make soup at 9pm the night before Thanksgiving
A mind that is open to new ideas and possibilities
Water I drink, water I bathe in, water I've been lucky enough to see in the form of truly humbling, mesmerizing oceans, lakes and rivers.

Going to stop at 31 because it's 2am and I want to get up and go hiking in the morning. Offspring is with ex for two days, mother not in town, brother working. So I'm going to enjoy some solitude and what I hope will be a time of self reflection. But then yesterday, while picking up leeks at the grocery store, I was overcome with all the people running around, the Christmas music, the spirit of the Universe at that moment and the message I got was, "Self reflection and solitude are truly gifts, but so is human interaction and closeness..." so I called my brother and told him I had changed my mind and if he was up for it, I wanted he & I to sit down and eat together today...whenever. He was and so we will and I will still get my solitude before and I'll get more closeness and human interaction at my meeting tonight.
The Universe, as it always has lately, whether I see it or not, has provided me balance.
And I am thankful.

Soul Mates

I heard people talk about the book Eat, Pray, Love. Mainly I heard it dismissed as a bunch of New Age Hooey. Then I heard Julia Roberts was making a movie of the book. Okay, whatever. Then, a friend I hadn't seen in a long time brought me the book. Out of the clear blue, she just handed it to me and said her mother said that I should read it, if I had just gotten divorced. So I started. OH MY GOD, I am on each and every page. I am this woman. Over and over again I come upon something that hits me right between the eyes. And beginning the book six weeks after my divorce and 9 days after the end of my beautiful, 9 month odyssey of love and sex and bliss with my Mr. Wonderful, well that certainly helped me to grab onto every single "embrace-life-get-your-chakras-in-order" pearl of wisdom that came across the page. But today, I really did read something that truly helped me.

Mr. Wonderful and I are apart. And it's been very difficult for both of us and the word "soul mate" has been tossed around a little. He says I am his soul mate. I told him once that I didn't believe in that one perfect person, a soul mate. But then I read this:

Your problem is you don't understand what that word {soul mate} means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attentio so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave. And thank God for it.

So maybe he was my soul mate after all. I guess what I have to keep telling myself is that I was going to end it. That was the plan. The shock of the way it ending up going, the almost violent conclusion (not violent in the physical sense...violent in how abrupt it was) has shaken me and I'm still recovering from that. But every time I start getting sucked back into "How can I get it all back..." I need to remember that I was getting ready to let it go. Maybe I thought we would be friends forever. Maybe I thought we could still see each other on a platonic level. Maybe that's the idea I'm not ready to let go of. But there was an ending coming. And what I keep coming back to is that maybe it ended the way it was supposed to. And what I also keep coming back to is that doing the right thing can really blow. It's hard and it's painful and shouldn't it be easier and simpler than this? Maybe I wouldn't gain any insight or enlightenment if it were.
Hindsight being what it is, when will I look back and say, "It ended the way it had to..."
Six months? A year? Guess that's another answer I have to wait for.

Patience

The universe is a funny thing. Sometimes, after 2 weeks of hell, a decision to stop having sex and plans to spend 48 hours in reflection and self discovery and almost entire solitude there comes...a moment. A moment when a hot guy 6 years younger than you makes a flirty comment and it shifts and changes to "Screw it! I want to sleep with you! I want a body next to me! That is it! I just want someone to feel close to and someone to hold me and someone I can pretend that things aren't quite as crappy as they really are with!"
So that moment comes. One "Hey baby!" and all the self actualization just flies out the window. But the universe had different plans. Recently I decided to end, at least the physical part of a relationship I was in. It was a fully formed plan, I thought, developed with much insight and logic. And the universe (God, Higher Power, the great Cloud Being, What have you) said "Okay, I'm not sure you'll actually go through with it...let me help you out..." and ends it for you. It sucks, it's ugly and nasty, but it had to be done and now it is. So thanks I guess?
Now tonight, while I'm doing a stupid little flirty text and deciding when and where I'll get sex...really good sex from the looks of him...the Universe said "Hey, didn't you just say you were going to cease and desist on all the horizontal naked time to get your head clear?" so that when I text, "Any free time between Wednesday & Friday night?" the response is "None at all."
Maybe I'm reading too much into it or maybe the universe knows what I'm supposed to be doing. I often come up with the right answers. I often come up with the right decisions. It's the follow through I have trouble with. Can't always quite stick the landing. So, for now, the universe is helping me out a little and it sucks, but it's necessary. So for now, I will say, through bitterly gritted teeth...thank you.

Hope

2009 has not been what I would call a stellar year. I hesitate to say it's been the worst year ever, because the universe will make me eat those words in 2010, but this year I got divorced and am still dealing with all that that entails. I had to put down my dog that I had had for 12 years. I met a wonderful man and was with him for 9 spectacular months only to have things blow up in my face in a very ugly way. (Do things ever blow up in someone's face in a good way?)
So it's day by day, sometimes hour by hour. And I'm working hard not to eat over it, so I feel like a raw nerve and life keeps poking me with sharp objects. Plus, one of my best friends is losing his partner and she is someone I love too. It makes some of my stuff seem insignificant, but I know if I blow my stuff off with a shrug and a "Eh...could be worse..." then I won't face it, deal with it and it will just fester and come back to bite me.
Today I tried to meditate. I got a quick study guide off the internet and took a little of the advice, but usually, my mind is just going too fast, in too many directions for me to focus. So this morning, I didn't really work on trying to get any great "enlightenment". I just sat in the dark, staring out the glass door onto my back yard and I spoke at first, out loud, just saying I wish things could be different. I don't know exactly what I want to be different and maybe acceptance means things can't be different, but its honestly what I felt. Then I started breathing, I closed my eyes, and everytime anything would enter my mind, I would say "Go away". I said "Go away" to my ex-husband, "Go away" to work, "Go away" to my kid, everything. Then I started breathing, in and out and when I breathed out, I made a noise that sounded like "Hum" and it all worked. I was able to relax a little, I felt kind of centered. When I opened my eyes, I realized the cat was sitting directly in front of me, looking out the same glass door, sitting perfectly still and breathing. Maybe he thinks I know what is out there or that I have a secret. I really don't. But for today, I have hope that it's something better.

The future is full of promise, Holy Mystery,
if only because we discern your forces of evolution at work everywhere.
Every opening daffodil, every growing child,
every glimmer of human enlightenment, every bodily process of healing -- tells us the future is not fearsome but is full of promise.
Your face is hidden, your name unknown:
still we turn to you in faith and confidence.
Creating Spirit, we hear your comforting voice
in the steady music of the unfolding of creation.
We give thanks to exist,
and to be the joy of your heart.
Amen.

- William Cleary