Miracles

“There are two ways to live: as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein


Everyday there are a million miracles. I think I'm convinced of that. I feel extremely lucky to view the sunrise as a miracle and my daughter's smile as a miracle. The fact that 1 day before my direct deposit goes in, stuff hits my bank account I had forgotten about and I end up with NINETEEN cents in my account rather than becoming overdrawn. (True story). I feel so fortunate to recognize the miracles because I know so many don't.
Here's the problem with miracles. They can be a one time occurrence and I tend to forget that. Something changes, someone changes and I am so desperate for the change, for things to be different, that I grab a hold, as tight as I can, I close my eyes and I prepare for this change to last me the rest of my life. And it never works that way. This miracle I am so willing to receive...it may be a fluke. It may be the Universe saying,
"Dude, sucks to be you...we're gonna throw a little good your way so you don't blow your brains out..."
It could be that everything has lined up and made the miracle possible in that moment and then it was gone. Forever. Or maybe the miracle, while gone after that moment, leaves behind a bit of residual change or good will.
But I want permanent change. I want change to actually go against its very definition and not...well change!! And when I realize that the change is going to...change...it's a bitter disappointment. Sometimes it seems almost cruel.
"Look at how things COULD be...look at how wonderful and easy this CAN be...oops...wonderful and easy has to shove off! Later!"
Or maybe the miracle occurs, in a vaccuum, for a split second, to reinforce that I'm okay. That I made the right decision yesterday or a week ago and to tell me to keep going. Keep going. Don't rest. Don't stop. You have to keep your eye on the path IN FRONT of you.
Someone in program once said "I can't be abstinent on yesterday's prayers..."
Well, I can't be happy on yesterday's miracles, because what I will do is ride that miracle, use it to get me through all the bad stuff I don't want to deal with NOW. I will beat that dead miracle and violently wring every last God forsaken drop out of it until it's dead and I feel worse and can't even remember why that miracle was so great to begin with.
I keep thinking of nature. Leaves, butterflies, whatever is in front of me. I see a leaf or a butterfly and I am able to appreciate how beautiful that is. But I don't pick it up and stick it in a jar or a bag to covet and fawn over. In fact, pretty much as soon as its gone, I forget about that specific leaf. But it makes me feel better in that moment and I have a sense that there are more out there. More beautiful things to behold, millions of things. So I'm going to let the present go and move on into the next present and let the miracles of that moment unfold. I can use the miracles as memories to make myself feel better in down times, so long as that is my true intention. A brief solace...not a life preserver.