In Flux

The days can be good, the days can be bad and sometimes, they just are. And I'm not 100% convinced I am qualified to deal with any of them. I spoke at a meeting Sunday and that seemed to go well. But at the same time, I was anxious about my living situation and my economic stability. And that sort of cumulated into a Monday where I was just pissed. Pissed at everything. Pissed at everyone. I knew it was bad when I actually got pissed at my sponsor. Now she'll be the first to tell you her own shortcomings and its nothing that she would have blamed me for. In fact, the thing that pissed me off, she came back later and said she would back off before I even expressed that I might be angry, but in four years, I don't think I've ever been pissed at her. And that day I was. I was just upset about everything. And it wasn't hormones! Sometimes it is and I'm the first to admit that, but this time no. Things that pissed me off weeks before that I had come to terms with came up and I got repissed. And it also was not justifiable anger at any one thing. It was general annoyance that served no purpose and felt...I don't even know. Miserable I guess. But not really miserable. I was in limbo. That was exactly what it was. In limbo. Feeling like there was no where to go. Not up, not down, just hanging. Waiting to see from other people what was going to happen with my life is something I really hate. I hate feeling powerless. Maybe that's why it's been so hard getting a working program going for my addiction, because I will say I'm powerless and I think I believe it, but I hate it. Not that I know that many who are running around whooping it up over being powerless over a substance. This are crazy, things are hectic, I'm exhausted and I'm just pissy. I even found myself having a panic attack by placing myself in someone else's shoes regarding something they were going through. It's a very good chance I will never go through the same thing, but putting myself in their place invoked such terror, I almost had a panic attack.

I don't know if I'm out of it. I feel very non-plus. It is what it is and I can't say I'm happy. Maybe a little less annoyed. Maybe trying to feel like I'm getting my bearings back. Some things that were worrying me have resolved themselves to my advantage. My ex is acting as normal as is possible for him. I'm getting slammed at work, 8 hours a day, but I feel confident in my abilities there, probably for the first time ever. These are miracles. Everything is a miracle. My beautiful girl is smarter and wittier than I'll ever be and that scares the crap out of me and makes me so happy. I've had some alone time lately and that makes me happy...and lonely. There are things I want to get accomplished this year. Not resolutions, actions to keep my life in forward motion. But they take time, they take energy, they take willingness and I feel like I have none and when I do, I feel selfish for wanting to do things that only bring my pleasure. It's just a weird time. The universe feels like its in flux and I'm just along for the ride.