Instinct

Follow your instincts. That's where true wisdom manifests itself.
- Oprah Winfrey


I hate Oprah. But there are dozens of quotes out there about trusting your instincts. Go with your gut. It's what so many people are told. And where would I be if I trusted my gut? I would weigh 400 pounds, I would be bankrupt, living in a cardboard box and probably have a disease of some sort! Now, I refer to the immediate instinct. Because that's what most of these quotes seem to refer to. What do you feel about this decision and/or situation NOW??? Right this very instant?!!??!?!?! Commit to a decision IMMEDIATELY because it's probably right!!!! I've always preferred the "When in doubt, the answer is C" theory because life, for me, just doesn't work this way.
My first question is almost always "What will bring me pleasure? What will make me happy?" I don't feel sorry for myself (although it may sound like it!) but sometimes I wonder if this is an offshoot of feeling like my overall happiness was so unimportant to so many for so many years? Now, I have done a lot of soul searching (assisted by a therapist and 12 step program) and realized that it isn't anyone's job to make me happy. In fact, no one can make me happy and I can't make anyone happy. My actions may cause a feeling of happiness to someone else or someone's actions may cause a feeling of happiness in me, but if I am a happy person, that's no one else's responsibility. And while I feel at peace with this idea and feel that it serves me well, this theory was NOT my first instinct! My first instinct was "My parent's didn't care, my husband didn't care, they spent decades tearing down every bit of self esteem I had and lucky for me, I'm not a serial killer! Everyone pity me while also admiring my resiliency!"
It goes back to that idea of the immediate gratification. My sponsor says "We are pleasure junkies" and it's true. I want that moment of bliss. I want that little surge from a nice pair of shoes (actually it's never a nice pair of shoes, it's always an out of print CD that can only be found in Korea for $75.00) or a really good kiss or a big piece of birthday cake with frosting roses the size of my fist and when presented with it, my instinct is "Jump on it...or you'll never get it again..." and that introduces fear into the equation.
Even these days, when I'm working so hard on not fighting the path the Universe lays out for me (and succeeding a time or two!), the path I want to take, immediately, in the exact moment a situation presents itself, is the path of pleasure. And while these trips down these paths have been enjoyable at times, they have not served me well in the big picture. I need to take a moment, I need to breath, I need to throw whatever it is out into the Universe and see what comes back (i.e. pray) and look very closely at the path, because I'm sure once my brain gets a whiff of all this, it will start camouflaging the Pleasure Path to LOOK like the Best path and then it's going to be twice as hard.
But for now, having some clarity on this, I'm working hard to change. Emails that go beyond "Hey what's up?" go into the draft folder for at least 48 hours before they are sent or I send them to my safe people who will reply "Are you smoking peyote again? DELETE!"
And while shopping itself is not usually a big issue, purchases that are not for basic essentials get to float around in my head for a day or two or three before any money is laid down.
The big decisions (and there seem to be a lot of them lately) have to settle. They have to lose their shiny immediacy (Shiny immediacy...great band name!) so I can view them for what they are, so I can discuss them with my mental team, so I can let the Universe weigh in and make an informed decision. Yes, this can be trying to those who just want me to pick a damn bowl of soup already in the restaurant (HA) but today, I am, thankfully, once again, upright and breathing. That, right now, is the measure of success.

I'm glad Oprah is retiring.