Desire for Peace

Peace is not something you wish for. It's something you make, something you do, something you are and something you give away." Robert Fulghum

Desire. My God the things I desire to do. Some...okay many of them are, at best, counterproductive. And when I have overcome temptation...when the Universe does me a solid and helps me push through to the other side, I feel so wonderful. Proud and strong and capable and focused and at peace. But during the times when I want to do...whatever it is I want to do...it feels like I'm going to die if I don't. And it's not just the food addiction. Sometimes, luckily not all the time, it's buying something. Sometimes, it's an action I wish to take. Sometimes it's something I want to say. And yes, sometimes it's food. Whatever it is, the desire can be so strong, that it feels like a tidal wave that is drowning me. Here's where the Universe is helping me. Lately, I let the tidal wave flow over me and after the period of white knuckling it to get around it, then it's gone. Probably not forever, but it's gone and I'm not wallowing in self loathing for succumbing. Because honestly, it's the trick that my mind plays on me. "This is going to kill me...not doing this...not eating this...not getting this...not doing what I want with this person...it's going to kill me..."
Well here I am, upright and breathing.
I have a deep seeded fear of the unpleasant. Of awkwardness, of discomfort, of feeling like my chest is caving in and my stomach doing sickened acrobatics because of this fear. It's why arguing makes me nauseous. But these things aren't killing me. Are they making me stronger, as the old adage attests? I'm not that far along in the journey yet. For now I'm feeling peaceful and that is something I've always said I desired, even when nothing else in my life spoke to that. So maybe it's time to chase peace with the same aggressiveness that I've chased all the self destructive things in my life. And maybe it's also time to look at Peace as something I make, I do, I am and I give away.