Addiction

I don't drink anymore. Too many calories, too expensive. And I never drank that much. Too many bad memories of my parents drunk, too many alcoholics genetically linked to me. But when I did, I enjoyed the buzz. I miss that buzz.

I miss smoking pot. I've been thinking of asking people I know to get me some, but now it's a money concern as much as anything. Oh! And the whole "let's not get arrested" angle.

I literally go to sleep some nights and dream of refined sugar.

Fried foods rounds out the list. Along with artificial sweetner. Rolls. Pork. Pork rolls. Great! Now I'm hungry!!!

10 years later and I still miss cigarettes. I was a good smoker and I looked cool doing it! HA!

I think what I miss the most is the numbness. Sometimes I miss being disconnected. Sometimes, being "present" kind of blows. And I guess I'm not quite to the place where I can say, with complete confidence, that this is better. I used to get gas at the dentists office years ago and I would lay very very still with the mask over my nose and I felt perfectly normal. And then I would try to lift my head or my foot and start laughing because it was heavy and I was numb and it was funny. Effortlessly funny.

These days things aren't so effortless. And the artificial stimulation is less available. And less appealing? Well apparently not, judging from my wish list. But without all these things, I am currently susceptible to the full brunt of every single emotion that comes down the pike.

That sucks.

I don't feel like I get the cushion of zoning out on a good sugar high anymore. And dealing with life, while fighting off the urges that promise me, swear to me, that things will be better, for a minute, is exhausting. I think every addict knows that sometimes, 1 minute of better, followed by a week of self loathing can seem SO worth it. This addict used it as a motto for almost 40 years!

But that's the lie my addictions tell me every day. And its the lie that is going to kill me. And I heard someone say something that applies to me. It won't be quick, this death. It will be slow and drawn out.

But someone yesterday told me that despite A LOT of recent personal upheaval, I seem serene. That made me smile. And I thought about it and yes, maybe I am getting a little more serenity these days than I was in the past. I've had a shift in my recovery which is serving me well and makes my program seen less frangible. I'm working on taking each day as it comes and trying to look at what I can do rather than looking at the list of things I can't use anymore to keep myself from falling apart over the things I can't do! (See why I'm tired!?!)

I don't have a tidy wrap up. Each day comes as it comes and some days I want every single thing on my "No More" list, immediately, one right after the other and some days I want nothing. Maybe that's my life. Hell, maybe its the human condition. (WOW! I'm deep!)

Maybe it all comes back to me looking around and using, "Upright and breathing? Check!" as the starting point of each day.

Mississippi

Every step of the way, we walk the line
Your days are numbered, so are mine
Time is piling up, we struggle and we stray
We're all boxed in, nowhere to escape

City's just a jungle, more games to play
Trapped in the heart of it, tryin' to get away
I was raised in the country, I been working in the town
I been in trouble since I set my suitcase down.

Got nothing for you, I had nothing before
Don't even have anything for myself anymore
Sky full of fire, came pouring down
Nothing you can sell me, I'll see you around.

All my powers of expression and thoughts so sublime
Could never do you justice in reason or rhyme
There's only 1 thing I did wrong
I stayed in Mississippi a day too long.

Well, the devil's in the alley, mule's in the stall
Say anything you wanna, I have heard it all
I was thinking about the things that you said
I was dreaming I was sleeping in your bed

Walking through the leaves, falling from the trees,
Feeling like a stranger nobody sees.
So many things that we never will undo
I know you're sorry, I'm sorry too.

Some people will offer their hand and some won't
Last night I knew you, tonight I don't
I need something strong to distract my mind,
I'm gonna look at you 'til my eyes go blind

Well I got here following the southern star
I crossed the river just to be where you are
There's only 1 thing that I did wrong
I stayed in Mississippi a day too long

Well my ship's been split to splinters and it's skinking fast
I'm drowning in the poison, got no future, go no past
But my heart's not weary, it's light and it's free
I've got nothing but affection for all those who sail with me

Everybody's moving, if they ain't already there
Everybody's got to move somewhere
Stick with me baby, anyhow
Things should start to get interesting right about now

My clothes are wet, tight on my skin,
Not as tight as the corner I painted myself in
I know that fortune is waiting to be kind
So give me your hand and say you'll be mine

Well the emptiness is endless, cold as clay
You can always come back, but you can't come back all the way
Well there's only 1 thing that I did wrong
I stayed in Mississippi a day too long.
-Bob Dylan

Powerless - Step 1

Twelve Steps. Twelve Months. I'm not going crazy with the numbers, I'm merely pointing out that this may be a sign. That 2010, if absolutely nothing else, has the potential to be the year I FINALLY finished all 12 steps. So I'm making that commitment to all 4 people who read this...really to myself.

It is not a disgrace or a weakness to admit to admit powerlessness...That is an idea that has nothing to do with the truth...For Today

I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable.

I never thought I fought against the idea that I was powerless. I am powerless. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I use, I will binge. That's the fact. No way to spin that. What I've come to realize recently is that I've been trying to exert control over my disease by saying "I'll go back to following my program tomorrow, after I spend the day using..."
That right there shows how I had not in anyway given up power. Not at all.
I am powerless over my addiction. Over every single aspect of my addiction. There is not a corner of this I have power over. There is not 1/100 of a millimeter of this disease that I can control.

If I stop "supervising" my weight loss, it will be taken care of - in God's time. I pray for the willingness to do that...For Today

Another thing that made me suddenly realize that I might be sliding back was my sudden obsession with my body and my weight. The fact that I was suddenly so worried about losing weight and how fast could I lose it. Granted, I've put on some weight in the last 8 months, but the feelings I have been having have been gone for a really long time and I'm scared that they are back. I'm scared that suddenly I feel like nothing is worth doing that won't bring me glory. That's not just really sick, diseased thinking...for me it's old thinking. Thinking I don't want to return to. I am powerless over that kind of thinking.

Many of us believed that our lives would be managble if only others around us would do as we wanted. The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of OA

I am as powerless over my world and all the people in it as I am over the weather. I can control nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I can't control one single thing and at the very top of the things I can't control is me. I can't control my ex. I can't control my brother or my parents. I can't really control my child although that is one I struggle with every single day. But I really can't. As long as there is something I'm trying to control, then I'm going to be useless. I don't want to be useless. I want to give in and admit powerlessness. But I don't want to be useless.

God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change Courage to change the
things I can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next.
Amen

In Flux

The days can be good, the days can be bad and sometimes, they just are. And I'm not 100% convinced I am qualified to deal with any of them. I spoke at a meeting Sunday and that seemed to go well. But at the same time, I was anxious about my living situation and my economic stability. And that sort of cumulated into a Monday where I was just pissed. Pissed at everything. Pissed at everyone. I knew it was bad when I actually got pissed at my sponsor. Now she'll be the first to tell you her own shortcomings and its nothing that she would have blamed me for. In fact, the thing that pissed me off, she came back later and said she would back off before I even expressed that I might be angry, but in four years, I don't think I've ever been pissed at her. And that day I was. I was just upset about everything. And it wasn't hormones! Sometimes it is and I'm the first to admit that, but this time no. Things that pissed me off weeks before that I had come to terms with came up and I got repissed. And it also was not justifiable anger at any one thing. It was general annoyance that served no purpose and felt...I don't even know. Miserable I guess. But not really miserable. I was in limbo. That was exactly what it was. In limbo. Feeling like there was no where to go. Not up, not down, just hanging. Waiting to see from other people what was going to happen with my life is something I really hate. I hate feeling powerless. Maybe that's why it's been so hard getting a working program going for my addiction, because I will say I'm powerless and I think I believe it, but I hate it. Not that I know that many who are running around whooping it up over being powerless over a substance. This are crazy, things are hectic, I'm exhausted and I'm just pissy. I even found myself having a panic attack by placing myself in someone else's shoes regarding something they were going through. It's a very good chance I will never go through the same thing, but putting myself in their place invoked such terror, I almost had a panic attack.

I don't know if I'm out of it. I feel very non-plus. It is what it is and I can't say I'm happy. Maybe a little less annoyed. Maybe trying to feel like I'm getting my bearings back. Some things that were worrying me have resolved themselves to my advantage. My ex is acting as normal as is possible for him. I'm getting slammed at work, 8 hours a day, but I feel confident in my abilities there, probably for the first time ever. These are miracles. Everything is a miracle. My beautiful girl is smarter and wittier than I'll ever be and that scares the crap out of me and makes me so happy. I've had some alone time lately and that makes me happy...and lonely. There are things I want to get accomplished this year. Not resolutions, actions to keep my life in forward motion. But they take time, they take energy, they take willingness and I feel like I have none and when I do, I feel selfish for wanting to do things that only bring my pleasure. It's just a weird time. The universe feels like its in flux and I'm just along for the ride.

Change

I didn't want to drink that day, but I took no action to insure against it - Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (Page 517)

I had never read these words before last night. I almost didn't attend the meeting last night, weather, child care, etc. But I did and as always, I got hit between the eyes with what I needed to hear. There are so many days when I'm not hungry, I'm not emotional and yet I still find myself back into my disease. Because if I feel okay, then I don't need to DO anything, right? Just ride the wave! If I ride the wave, I drown. Every time.

Change is inevitable, but so much about my disease does not change. Accepting change and accepting what doesn't change (and the wisdom to know the difference!!!) is my goal today. Serenity Prayer is my lifeline today. May be something else tomorrow, but for today, this is what I'm holding onto.

Miracles

“There are two ways to live: as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein


Everyday there are a million miracles. I think I'm convinced of that. I feel extremely lucky to view the sunrise as a miracle and my daughter's smile as a miracle. The fact that 1 day before my direct deposit goes in, stuff hits my bank account I had forgotten about and I end up with NINETEEN cents in my account rather than becoming overdrawn. (True story). I feel so fortunate to recognize the miracles because I know so many don't.
Here's the problem with miracles. They can be a one time occurrence and I tend to forget that. Something changes, someone changes and I am so desperate for the change, for things to be different, that I grab a hold, as tight as I can, I close my eyes and I prepare for this change to last me the rest of my life. And it never works that way. This miracle I am so willing to receive...it may be a fluke. It may be the Universe saying,
"Dude, sucks to be you...we're gonna throw a little good your way so you don't blow your brains out..."
It could be that everything has lined up and made the miracle possible in that moment and then it was gone. Forever. Or maybe the miracle, while gone after that moment, leaves behind a bit of residual change or good will.
But I want permanent change. I want change to actually go against its very definition and not...well change!! And when I realize that the change is going to...change...it's a bitter disappointment. Sometimes it seems almost cruel.
"Look at how things COULD be...look at how wonderful and easy this CAN be...oops...wonderful and easy has to shove off! Later!"
Or maybe the miracle occurs, in a vaccuum, for a split second, to reinforce that I'm okay. That I made the right decision yesterday or a week ago and to tell me to keep going. Keep going. Don't rest. Don't stop. You have to keep your eye on the path IN FRONT of you.
Someone in program once said "I can't be abstinent on yesterday's prayers..."
Well, I can't be happy on yesterday's miracles, because what I will do is ride that miracle, use it to get me through all the bad stuff I don't want to deal with NOW. I will beat that dead miracle and violently wring every last God forsaken drop out of it until it's dead and I feel worse and can't even remember why that miracle was so great to begin with.
I keep thinking of nature. Leaves, butterflies, whatever is in front of me. I see a leaf or a butterfly and I am able to appreciate how beautiful that is. But I don't pick it up and stick it in a jar or a bag to covet and fawn over. In fact, pretty much as soon as its gone, I forget about that specific leaf. But it makes me feel better in that moment and I have a sense that there are more out there. More beautiful things to behold, millions of things. So I'm going to let the present go and move on into the next present and let the miracles of that moment unfold. I can use the miracles as memories to make myself feel better in down times, so long as that is my true intention. A brief solace...not a life preserver.

Journey

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step
Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever!!!!!! I've always hated this quote, along with "It's a journey, NOT a destination". Because if it truly is a journey, if that's all this life is chalked up to be, then who wins? Who gets the trophy? This has always been my attitude. It's changing and evolving and I am discovering things. Discovery. 2010, the year I turn 40, my first full year as a single person, is going to be the year of discovery. I am going to try and learn something every day. Maybe something about myself or someone else, maybe a small skill, hell maybe it will even just be a new word. Today's word of the day...
Panacea (pan-uh-SEE-uh) - A remedy for all diseases, problems or evils.
It's perfect because it reminds me that while I'm looking for big, I'm looking for huge, I'm looking for the answers to all life's mysteries and please have them here no later than January 3, alphabetized and cross referenced, thank you very much, what I'm going to get will be quite different. I may get small pieces of a bigger picture over the course of my life, I may get an answer here and there to a question I pose, I may get a level of peace and balance which will never completely prevent some stress from entering into my Universe. If I stop and try to figure out, each day, what I have learned, because I truly believe there is something every day, and while I'm at it, practice Steps 10, 11 & 12 every day, to the best of my ability, then maybe I can figure out what the Universe wants to come next.
Yesterday, I sent a raging manifesto to my ex. Had to be done. I had to say the words "I am not your doormat anymore". It may end up costing me years of misery, but yesterday, I had never felt more confident and in control.
I stepped up and told someone who was very important to me to stop contacting me altogether. Had to be done and while I may not feel better, I feel confident I made the right decision.
2009 was not the greatest year, but today what I discovered (and this very well may be ALL I discover today) is that I am entering 2010 in better shape than I entered 2009. It is not perfect, I am not perfect, 2010 may or may not go down as the worst year of my life and just that statement shows growth. I'm not putting out there that 2010 will suck, but neither am I going to say "Well, 2010 is going to be the best year EVER! Perfect! I will attain 100% true enlightenment, I will lose 30 pounds, I will be financially secure and in love by Halloween!" I am going to see what happens. I am positive that by making my actions line up with the path the Universe has set before me, I can accomplish something this year. Not naming that something, not going nuts to pigeonhole and label "the journey" is another sign of growth. Doesn't mean I can't have goals, if the goals are in line with the path, but for the first time, the goals aren't driving me crazy, the goals are not necessarily the main focus. Discovery, growth, balance, peace, recovery these are the focus. And I don't have to make lists and recount every minute of my day to see what columns my actions went into. As long as I am following the path, being open to the journey, I think I'll be okay.

Not creating delusions is enlightenment - Bodhisharma