Resentments

My mother is in town and brought 20 ziploc bags, all filled with sugar products. On top of this, I get to listen to her complain about how fat and unattractive she is...as she eats all this food.

The idiot at Barnes & Noble would not let me pay for my CD at the front of the store and chased me half way down the store to tell me I had to return to the back of the store.

The people at my flexspending company refuse to say "May I help you?" They answer the phone and say, "Thank you for calling, this call may be monitored, I'm Jesse..." and then dead silence. I hate that. It bugs me.

There's a lady at my first job who keeps leaving her teenage son sitting in the lobby while she works out and he's mentally challenged and keeps following me around while I'm trying to work, asking me questions I don't have the answers to.

My ex-husband is an idiot.

My kid whines a lot and her best friend is in town, staying with us part of the week and that girl is super pushy.

The stuff that is just a blip on the radar is throwing me all out of whack yesterday and today. And I know why. It's that stupid commitment I made and the actions I am not taking because the actions in question do not follow my path laid out by the Universe.

So the idea that I would wake up the next day, feeling proud of myself, feeling stronger and more confident in my choices? Yeah, bullshit. I am really resentful at the Universe and since I have no idea how to rail against the Universe, I am going to get pissy and bitter at everything around me. The stuff that usually doesn't phase me at all.

3 more days and this God forsaken year will be over.

But I'm upright and breathing and I'm thankful for that. The other stuff will pass. I can't let the resentments, which will pop up every day of my life in one form or another, throw me off course. I am strong, I am invincible, (I think you know where I'm going with this...)

By the way, according to Google, the picture on this post is the Chinese symbol for moron. That was one of the first things that made me smile today.

Committment

I made a commitment. The commitment was to follow the path the Universe laid out before me. The commitment was to try, for once in my life, to not fight this path. The commitment was to trust the Universe to know what was right. And this commitment has brought me a lot of peace and serenity and balance over the past few months. So if this is the case, where do the tests come from? Is the Universe testing me? I think my Sponsor thinks so. Maybe things get thrown at us to make sure we are serious about our commitment. Especially when there are those (not me of course!) who are infamous for NEVER sticking to a commitment. For NEVER trusting the Universe. For ALWAYS thinking that the path that leads to my immediate gratification is the best way to go. Maybe the test is a way to convince myself that I really am growing and getting stronger. I'm not saying no to xyz action, I'm saying yes to the commitment I made.
When I am in the dark days of my disease and I make a commitment to get back on track, that commitment is always the next day or the next week. I have always, truly felt that one more hit was not going to hurt me one way or the other. And while I have, at times, felt guilt, for losing abstinence, I have never felt guilt over the last hit that I've always taken after the FUTURE commitment to abstain. (If you're using a calculator at home, it all makes sense!)
But maybe if I had made a commitment and started at that moment, I would have felt better about myself. So tonight, I said no. It wasn't to something having to do with food, but it was all about my addiction. It was all about my powerlessness over everything, except the choice to follow the path that's been put in front of me.
Was one deviation going to throw off the entire balance I have gained as a result of my commitment? Maybe not.
Am I willing to risk it? I am not.
Am I happy and at peace? Absolutely not. This blows!!!
Am I proud of myself, nah but maybe I will be.
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and say, "Man, I'm glad I didn't go down that road."
Maybe I won't. But I'm not willing to engage in a crap shoot with my life anymore and maybe that's the first step to finding more balance and more peace.

Holidays

I love holidays. I always have. I love this "magic" that seems to surround them. I love the traditions, I love the way people smile just a little bit more or are perhaps a little kinder. I love Christmas, I love Thanksgiving. I love the holidays that I have traditionally not celebrated, Jewish Holidays, Islamic Holidays. I find it comforting to know what certain days can be special and hold a place in our hearts. I'm one of those who looks up the weird holidays some guy in his basement made up. I ENJOY wishing people a Happy National Pawnbrokers Day on December 6 or Happy Ball Point Pen Day on June 10 (making NONE of these up!)
But then I get wary, because I wonder WHY do so many people feel the need to ONLY share their feelings of love and gratitude on certain days of the year? Then I get almost defensive towards myself, because if someone knows I love them and cherish them and that they enhance my life in a million ways every day and that I need them ONLY because I express this on December 25th or Thanksgiving or their birthday and that's it, then I'm sorry, I'm the most horrific friend/partner/daughter/mother on the face of the planet.
Truly, in the end its a day just like every other day. A day to be experienced, hopefully for the good. A day to take the bad and see what the Universe is holding out for me. A day to make sure that the people I love know I love them, the way I hope they know every other day. A day to make amends for my shortcomings and to embrace my strengths and see how I can hopefully help someone else. And if I can't, then hope against all hope that I have done no harm either.
So to whoever you are, wherever you are right now...Happy Friday and I love you. Just like I did yesterday. Just like I will tomorrow. Thank you for being in my life and for letting me in yours. Thank you for helping me build my fortress against cruelty and injustice that is sometimes doled out while also helping me to keep my heart open. Thank you for the advice, the shoulder to cry on, the hand to hold, the laughter to join in with and for wiping away my tears. Thank you on this magical day..magical because it's today and because it's only 7 hours old and there are still limitless possibilities to cling to...for loving me.

Better

I LOVE New Years. Love it, love it, love it. It's like something wonderful out there presents you with this gift. "Here are THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE DAYS just for you. If you make a mess on some, it's okay because THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE of anything is A LOT!"
Leap years? Almost a sexual experience!
But I am an addict and I don't look at things like normal people. Actually, I'm not sure I looked at things normally before I became an addict. (Before I became an addict...I think it was from the ages of birth through 7...I just remember "Billy Don't be a Hero" playing in the background...) So I'm about to get this fresh start, right? It's coming and I'm so excited about it that what I'm going to do is spend the last two months of the year I'm actually living in planning for the New Year. It starts with Resolutions and a list...I always have a list going. Now, how can I make this list become a reality? Well, I have to start obsessively planning how I'm going to accomplish (insert goal here) and then I will start reading everything I can find on this topic, buying whatever has been recommended, talking to people who HAVE actually done this and perhaps been successful. I am relentless in my pursuit of these goals. For two months, it is my reason for getting up in the morning and I go to sleep at night thinking about the next days tasks all in the name of getting this goal done because once this goal has been accomplished, my life will be PERFECT!!!
And what always happens it that after all this time and energy invested, by January 2, something has gone wrong with it, I get frustrated and it's over. Wasted time, wasted resources and all I have to show for it is...nothing.
I do this to a certain extent on a smaller scale as each Monday approaches or as the 1st of each month approaches, but New Years, that's my mecca. 2007? When January 1st was on a Monday?!?!? Well, I still get chills remembering that!
So a few days ago when I started thinking about the New Year, it was mostly in relation to being REALLY ready for 2009 to be over. But honestly, 2009 has not been all that bad. At some point, my sponsor pointed out, in the last 4-5 weeks, I've turned a corner. I'm calmer, I'm more centered, I am back in touch with The Universe (HP/God/What have you) and I'm really trying to take things as they come. I started thinking about all this when my diseased brain wanted me to "get with the program" and kick my prep work into high gear. I mean, for the love of God, it's only TWO WEEKS until the New Year and I haven't even started!!!!
So here is my prep work: I am throwing out into the Universe this idea...2010 will be better.
My house and my car will not be immaculate. My money will not ALWAYS be perfectly monitored and yes, I will probably encounter a late fee or two. I will not ALWAYS see eye to eye with everyone in my life. I will not ALWAYS be free of stress and worry. I will not ALWAYS be proactive at work, although I am super proud of myself for how far I've come with regards to my work ethic. I will not ALWAYS be exercising the way I feel I should.

I refuse to claim that I won't ALWAYS be abstinent because I have to be abstinent.

But I'm going to be better. Life will be better. Even the last four months, when so much has happened, divorce, dead dog, unemployed ex, dear friends sick, dear friends departed I really have felt a sense of calm and peace and serenity. It really has been okay. And so I'm going to focus my energy on making my actions fall in line, as much as they ever have, with this idea of better. I want to look at a situation and say "Is this The Universe's will and are my actions in line with that?" that will make it better.
In the spirit of this new outlook, I am thinking that I may even skip the traditional "Airing of the Grievances" next Wednesday when its Festivus. After all, that is "the most wonderful time of the year". I'm expecting them to update the song any day now.

Instinct

Follow your instincts. That's where true wisdom manifests itself.
- Oprah Winfrey


I hate Oprah. But there are dozens of quotes out there about trusting your instincts. Go with your gut. It's what so many people are told. And where would I be if I trusted my gut? I would weigh 400 pounds, I would be bankrupt, living in a cardboard box and probably have a disease of some sort! Now, I refer to the immediate instinct. Because that's what most of these quotes seem to refer to. What do you feel about this decision and/or situation NOW??? Right this very instant?!!??!?!?! Commit to a decision IMMEDIATELY because it's probably right!!!! I've always preferred the "When in doubt, the answer is C" theory because life, for me, just doesn't work this way.
My first question is almost always "What will bring me pleasure? What will make me happy?" I don't feel sorry for myself (although it may sound like it!) but sometimes I wonder if this is an offshoot of feeling like my overall happiness was so unimportant to so many for so many years? Now, I have done a lot of soul searching (assisted by a therapist and 12 step program) and realized that it isn't anyone's job to make me happy. In fact, no one can make me happy and I can't make anyone happy. My actions may cause a feeling of happiness to someone else or someone's actions may cause a feeling of happiness in me, but if I am a happy person, that's no one else's responsibility. And while I feel at peace with this idea and feel that it serves me well, this theory was NOT my first instinct! My first instinct was "My parent's didn't care, my husband didn't care, they spent decades tearing down every bit of self esteem I had and lucky for me, I'm not a serial killer! Everyone pity me while also admiring my resiliency!"
It goes back to that idea of the immediate gratification. My sponsor says "We are pleasure junkies" and it's true. I want that moment of bliss. I want that little surge from a nice pair of shoes (actually it's never a nice pair of shoes, it's always an out of print CD that can only be found in Korea for $75.00) or a really good kiss or a big piece of birthday cake with frosting roses the size of my fist and when presented with it, my instinct is "Jump on it...or you'll never get it again..." and that introduces fear into the equation.
Even these days, when I'm working so hard on not fighting the path the Universe lays out for me (and succeeding a time or two!), the path I want to take, immediately, in the exact moment a situation presents itself, is the path of pleasure. And while these trips down these paths have been enjoyable at times, they have not served me well in the big picture. I need to take a moment, I need to breath, I need to throw whatever it is out into the Universe and see what comes back (i.e. pray) and look very closely at the path, because I'm sure once my brain gets a whiff of all this, it will start camouflaging the Pleasure Path to LOOK like the Best path and then it's going to be twice as hard.
But for now, having some clarity on this, I'm working hard to change. Emails that go beyond "Hey what's up?" go into the draft folder for at least 48 hours before they are sent or I send them to my safe people who will reply "Are you smoking peyote again? DELETE!"
And while shopping itself is not usually a big issue, purchases that are not for basic essentials get to float around in my head for a day or two or three before any money is laid down.
The big decisions (and there seem to be a lot of them lately) have to settle. They have to lose their shiny immediacy (Shiny immediacy...great band name!) so I can view them for what they are, so I can discuss them with my mental team, so I can let the Universe weigh in and make an informed decision. Yes, this can be trying to those who just want me to pick a damn bowl of soup already in the restaurant (HA) but today, I am, thankfully, once again, upright and breathing. That, right now, is the measure of success.

I'm glad Oprah is retiring.

Desire for Peace

Peace is not something you wish for. It's something you make, something you do, something you are and something you give away." Robert Fulghum

Desire. My God the things I desire to do. Some...okay many of them are, at best, counterproductive. And when I have overcome temptation...when the Universe does me a solid and helps me push through to the other side, I feel so wonderful. Proud and strong and capable and focused and at peace. But during the times when I want to do...whatever it is I want to do...it feels like I'm going to die if I don't. And it's not just the food addiction. Sometimes, luckily not all the time, it's buying something. Sometimes, it's an action I wish to take. Sometimes it's something I want to say. And yes, sometimes it's food. Whatever it is, the desire can be so strong, that it feels like a tidal wave that is drowning me. Here's where the Universe is helping me. Lately, I let the tidal wave flow over me and after the period of white knuckling it to get around it, then it's gone. Probably not forever, but it's gone and I'm not wallowing in self loathing for succumbing. Because honestly, it's the trick that my mind plays on me. "This is going to kill me...not doing this...not eating this...not getting this...not doing what I want with this person...it's going to kill me..."
Well here I am, upright and breathing.
I have a deep seeded fear of the unpleasant. Of awkwardness, of discomfort, of feeling like my chest is caving in and my stomach doing sickened acrobatics because of this fear. It's why arguing makes me nauseous. But these things aren't killing me. Are they making me stronger, as the old adage attests? I'm not that far along in the journey yet. For now I'm feeling peaceful and that is something I've always said I desired, even when nothing else in my life spoke to that. So maybe it's time to chase peace with the same aggressiveness that I've chased all the self destructive things in my life. And maybe it's also time to look at Peace as something I make, I do, I am and I give away.

The Universe

Okay, no way in hell would I EVER spend $225 on a necklace, but if I were...this would be it. Amazing.

Happiness

I keep remembering one of my Guru’s teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you’re fortunate enough. But that’s not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don’t, you will leak away your innate contentment. It’s easy enough to pray when you’re in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.
Eat, Pray, Love

Divorce was final 2 months and 1 day ago. Put my dog down 4 weeks ago today. My ex-husband was put on "furlough" yesterday and is basically out of a job. I'm slowly starting to get my bearings back after the very abrupt ending to my last relationship 3 weeks ago today. But I'm okay. I'm starting to realize that life goes on. It has always, always amazed me how life goes on.

When I was growing up, my grandmother was my best friend in the world. She died 22 years ago and still, sometimes, I can hardly believe she's been gone. That I went on. I got married. I had a child. I got older without her. It still feels odd. But life does indeed go on. And I'm going on with it.

This sense of peace has sort of descended upon me. And I have great faith that this peace can segue into happiness and that I can fight to maintain that happiness. Not that sad times won't come, not that I won't get frustrated and crazed, but that I can participate, relentlessly, in the manifestations of my own blessings and be a better person for it.

High on life! Walkin' on sunshine! Seriously, what am I smoking? Eh, screw it! Maybe it's the new me! And the old me needs to stop participating in the relentless mocking of new me and jump on board.