The Best They Could

If I hear one more person tell me that my mother did the best she could do, I'm going to scream and hurt someone. "She did the best she could with the resources, with what she knew at the time..." were my therapist's words today. I refuse to believe it. It's part of the issue with not forgiving her. It's part of the reason I hold onto the venom year after year after year after year. Because I'm the only one who seems to understand how bad it was. Was it as bad as it could have been? No. I always had food, clothing, I was never beaten. I, by no means, hold myself up as a poster child for abuse since there were so many who had it so much worse. But I have no Earthly idea how anyone can look at the facts and shrug and say "She did the best she could."
I am doing the best I can. That I know. I make mistakes, I'm not perfect, but not trying, not caring, not working as hard as I can on parenting will never be one of them.
But what if my daughter has a different perception? You know, it's not even about that. It's about laying my head down each night, knowing I made mistakes, but that at the end of every day, this child is it. She is what everything else revolves around. Not my career, not a relationship, not anything else. It's this kid. I do what I do for her. If she can't see that, then I can.
I named my daughter after her two grandmothers to honor them. I was named to honor my mother's "creativity"
Yes, sometimes I leave her at home to go and do something personal.
It is not all the time and she has never been left alone at the age of 9 (or 8)
Anyone I leave her with has to be someone I trust 100%, not just a person who is "available"
I try to respect and appreciate her opinions if possible, but even if I can't, it's never because my ego is a marauding beast that must be fed lest it consume all in it's path.
And this is just a drop in the bucket.

So what is all this doing to my mother? She sleeps at night (I can hear her snoring), she has apologized in the past "for whatever I've done". I know she feels some remorse, but it's by no means the amount she should feel. I've gotten 1/2 an ounce of flesh at best. I'm surprised by how angry I am. And I know if I let go of that, it's like none of that other stuff happened and then she wins. She gets to move on with absolutely no retribution. But if I were able to do something, what would I do? And where does my father fit into all this, who was never there, so therefore what? Did less damage? Not even...but I don't feel a thousand pounds of resentment towards him. It's more like 750 pounds.

I think there are things people have choices about. I think you can choose to stay home with your kids or go out drinking. I think you can choose to leave your kids with emotionally deranged baby sitters. I think you can choose to clean up after yourself to give your kids a good example of cleanliness.

So obviously I still have some work to do on ths issue. I know I'm only hurting myself and no one else. But that's what I do. I sabotage myself at every turn, so maybe this is just my standard operating procedures. I guess we'll see.

Balance

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony" - Thomas Merton

I can't ever seem to find balance. For a long period of time, work was going so well, money was getting in line, things were tooling right along, except that my food and my recovery were all very shoddy and most of my relationships were not what I wanted them to be. Now, my program is going so well. I feel renewed and invigorated and ready to take on anything with the help of my God and I'm even feeling good on the dating/relationship front, but everything else seems to be falling by the wayside. And I can't seem to remember the good feelings I had when things were so organized. I know they were there. I felt on top of things for the first time ever. I felt like I was finally doing the job I was being paid to do. I felt honest and present. But I am an addict and the thing I'm addicted to most is pleasure. And the pleasure of having my program be everything I want it to be and having a healthy romantic life that enhances my life are in no way going to compare to the "rush" of paying my electric bill on time or getting a report turned into an insurance adjuster. Of course, I'm not sure I'm far enough along to say that the pleasures of a clean recovery program and an awesome romantic life are better than an entire 1/2 a sheet cake, a joint and a margarita. I'm getting there though.
Here's the thing, I don't get to expect pleasure out of every moment and act of life. I am an adult, right? If I want to truly live a purposeful life, a life of worth, a life that will be an example to my child, a life that is NOT my mother's, then there are certain things I have to do. Pleasurable or not. I need to remember the consequences of falling down. The rush of pulling things out of the fire at the last minute is stressful. It's not cool anymore. I'm 40 years old. I wanted a different life and on so many levels I have that. I have submitted so much to a power greater than myself, just in the last 3 weeks. I feel so much better. What is the fear that comes with balance? I think it's been proven, time and again, that a well balanced life does not mean boring. And I think it's been proven that the pleasureable things aren't necessarily going anywhere. If I take an hour to pay my bills or clean out my car, nothing I really WANT to do is going to go up in a puff of smoke. That belief is childish and counterproductive.
Mainly it comes down to fear and pain. I became afraid of staying exactly where I was in terms of my recovery and the pain I was in propelled me to submit everything to my HP. I feared repeating the mistakes I had made in my marriage and subsequent relationships and the pain that came from those situations helped me to look for something different.
What can I fear in these other situations?
I keep struggling against serenity. I wanted serenity in these other areas and I got that, in addition to pleasure. If I pay my bills and do my job and clean my house, I'm going to get serenity. I had it. I know it's there.
I have been able to remember that the feelings of deprivation, when it comes to food, won't kill me. It feels like they will, so much so that now there's a palpable fear within me sometimes of that feeling, but I do come out the other side if I am willing to turn it over. So if I can turn over the fear and resentment that comes with forgoing something fun for something meaningful, something grown up, something necessary (and in most cases it isn't even forgoing...it's postponing...temporarily...), then maybe I can finally get a fuller handle on this life. This ENTIRE life!

HP Redux - Steps 2 & 3

My Higher Power/God is messy. That is the realization that has (for now) set me free. My Higher Power is all over the place. Some days this big, almighty sky dweller who looks like Walt Whitman, some days this energy that is sort of random, some days the CEO of the Corporation called The Universe and while certainly more powerful than I, He is ultimately powerless over some things that happen and is here to offer some comfort when times are hard. Realizing that, for me, it is impossible to nail God down to 1 image, to 1 idea, to 1 concept that will encompass my entire program, journey and life has been an amazing discovery. Is it fair to expect God to be just 1 thing? Maybe not. Now that doesn't mean there won't be complications. There are still days I want answers I'll never get. There are days I accept absolutely and completely whatever is sent my way. Most days, I'm in between. I am coming off a week (6 days because I haven't gone to bed today so I can't count today as abstinent yet) of a new food plan that is allowing me such a peace and serenity. And that's what it comes down to. I want serenity. And I think I've been lying for 4 years every time I've said the serenity prayer. I didn't want serenity. I wanted a feeling of glorious uplifting, I wanted to be high on spirituality. And that's not realistic and I haven't been giving serenity a fair shake. This past week has been a wonderful experience, in so many ways. Changes are happening, things get hectic and then they slow down and then they speed back up. And in all of it, I'm not getting upset. I'm not losing it.
When I was 14, we moved to Maryland and I was immediately an outcast. Did not have 1 friend the whole year. Ate lunch alone every day. Then one day, the "cool kids" invited me to have lunch with them. They all had sacked lunches and had to move to squeeze my tray in from my school lunch. But they talked, I talked, it was great. That night I made my mother go out and buy stuff so I could have a sacked lunch also the next day. They never asked me to join them again.
Most of my friends in program are not religious. They are spiritual. They don't go to church, they don't subscribe to any sort of religious doctrine. And that's great for them. I've never met anyone who has judged me for going to church or doing what I do. But it's still this nagging feeling that I'm not one of the "cool" kids. 98% of time I could give a crap what anyone thinks of me, but occasionally yes, it does gnaw on me. The cool kids don't go to church. The cool kids don't necessarily believe that Jesus died for their sins. The cool kids don't take communion. But I do and there's this tiny part of me that doesn't want to and all of that is okay. I'm okay.
Some days I have no idea what or who I'm thanking. But I am grateful. I don't know who or what I'm praying to. But I still pray. I don't know who or what sent me the serenity and the acceptance, but I am willing to have it, I embrace it and I use it, day by day, in my journey.

Willing

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us
-Joseph Campbell

Me

My sponsor told me to read my blog from the perspective of reading something written by someone I am sponsoring, rather than something I wrote myself. What do I see? The thing that jumps out at me, more than anything else, is this idea that the person who wrote these things wants to be someone else.
I have always wanted to be someone else. When I was little, I desperately wanted to be a little girl...ANY little girl...who was on TV, because the girls on TV had parents who cared for them and loved them no matter what and never abandon them. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club because she was so interesting and strange and quirky and then I wanted to be Lori Singer from Footloose, because she was thin and beautiful and wore red cowboy boots and got to kiss Kevin Bacon and she went to the prom with her boyfriend, NOT with some guy that only said yes because someone else told him I had asked 10 other guys who had all said no. Sorry...where was I?
When I was in my 20's, I think I still wanted to be offshoots of the same characters, quirky, interesting, strange, sexy, pretty, thin...with alcohol and sex to boot!
Then when I got married, it honestly felt like it was the first time I could be myself. But what I quickly found out is that HE wanted to be married to someone else. Someone who probably resembled who I had wanted to be before I met him...definitely someone thin, pretty and sexy, someone who would accompany him on his tangents and rants against society, the government, organized religion, organized politics and encouraged him to move to New Zealand, where life is beautiful all the time. Ironically, being myself caused me A LOT grief for 12 years.
So now, perhaps I'm struggling because I feel like I don't know who I am, when in reality, I just want to be someone else. And sometimes, I don't know who that someone else is and sometimes, when I do know who I want to be, it flies directly in the face of who I am. And I'm fighting against who I really am. (Okay I'm really confused now!)
So who am I?

I am interesting and a little quirky and I have a good sense of humor. These are good things about me. But I am also a middle aged mother of 1 who lives in the suburbs and drives a Spectra to volleyball games and glee club rehearsals and liking those things about myself does not negate the other things or make me any less interesting.

I am probably never going to look like a Sports Illustrated model, but I am not bad looking. Yes, I want to lose weight and I want the most optimal health I can, yes I would prefer to NOT die before I'm 70, but I can't mourn the face that I never will be and have never been 120 pounds.

I like my job. This is something I've touched on before. It feels like I should be doing something that I love and am obsessively passionate about. Something creative and freeing, but that's not the path I'm on. I can count on 1 hand the number of people I know who are doing that. I don't know that I could handle a career that I was obsessively passionate about without it negatively impacting my child or my ability to sustain my family. There is nothing wrong with my job. I enjoy it, I'm good at it, I'm making a decent living and I want to accept that. There is nothing wrong with a stable job and interesting hobbies or outside interests.

Sometimes I cry. My mother cries A LOT!! My daughter cries even more. Hell, my ex-husband probably cried more than I ever did. But I hate it. Crying makes me feel weak but I want to accept that sometimes I need that outlet for my negative energy.

I was surprised to find that I want a relationship at some point. I am single and I am free and I want things to be...well not anonymous, but without expectation or commitment involved and it turns out that those desires are not lining up with who I am. I was not prepared to find that out about myself. A desire for intimacy, a desire for a connection to another person...these are not things I wanted to want. In fact, NO intimacy and NO connections were going to be the cornerstones of what I built my new single life on! What the hell!?!?!? I can't say where I stand on the idea of monogamy. I can't say I'm leaning towards getting married again. But it seems I do want more than a physical release. I want to be with a person I care about who cares about me. When you don't think you want that and you find out you do, it can kind of blow. But when you get it, I've heard this urban legend that it can be pretty amazing.

I am capable of improving. Money has improved. Organizational skills have improved. Job performance has improved. Boundaries have improved. Things are better. And continuing to improve upon them or holding steady and doing what I should be doing to keep moving forward is not nearly as much work as putting out all the fires I've had to in the past. That is the reality I continue to turn my back on. It's not more work to stay on the right path.

I do have spiritual beliefs. Maybe right now, I'm a little murky on what they are exactly, but I do have them. I do believe that something greater than me, bigger than me, led me to where I am right now. I am grateful to whatever it is for all I've learned and all that I have. I know I believe in some sort of afterlife and I believe in kindness to others and striving to do the right thing.

All of these things are part of me. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to gloss over the negatives, because they are certainly there. I'm someone who is an addict and I've got just about every trait you find in an addict. I'm someone desperate to shake the addiction, yet terrified to give it up. I don't want to make the sacrifice, even though I know the payoff is greater than I can imagine.

I'm impatient sometimes and in denial about it most of the time, until my kid mentions it in her therapy! I could work harder at being better at some things. I could make things less complicated. My sponsor told me that I have more rules for life than anyone she's ever met. (She didn't meant this as a compliment, necessarily). I just look at my past and what hasn't worked and I want something different. Better. On paper that doesn't seem like a bad thing. But I guess I need to accept that there are some things about me I can't change and some things I can.

Hmmm...I think I'm onto something! Accepting the things I cannot change...courage to change the things I can...wisdom to know the difference...Someone should really write that down and use it again...

Fear

My 9 year old is afraid of the basement. Even when all the lights are on. Even when it's daytime. At first, it was really annoying and I thought she was just trying to get out of feeding the cat, but it seems to be legitimate. And I started thinking about my own fears and decided that a list perhaps might offer me some insight.

I fear becoming my parents (I think this fear is pretty exclusively mine...no one else feels this way)
I fear anything having to do with bone marrow
I fear the feelings of deprivation
I occasionally fear sleeping alone in my house
I occasionally fear heights, if I feel they are unstable (learned that Friday at the City Museum)
I fear that my daughter will end up like her father (And I accept that she probably won't want to end up like me when she's older!)
I fear dying before my daughter is an adult and leaving her alone
Sometimes I fear dying period
I fear putting on 40 pounds again
I fear that my sponsor will fire me if I don't get my program together
I fear being in a bad relationship again

Right now, that's what is coming to mind.

I'm struggling with Step 3 at the moment. Food is not great. I'm struggling with a lot of things, even though I know that not accepting and not turning it over to the Universe will lead to the ultimate demise of everything I've worked for.

I know my child wants good grades. It is important to her. So I've stopped yelling at her and nagging her to do her homework. I just tell her that I love her no matter what, its ultimately her choice and she knows the consequences of not doing her homework (or inaction).

I'm getting that message from the Universe right now. There is love and acceptance around me in amounts too great to measure, regardless of my actions, but I know the consequences of inaction. If I want what I say I want, the action will need to begin.

Battles

My body feels like the enemy these days. It's trying to hurt me or kill me. I feel like I'm in this battle with it. If I'm not battling with it to lose weight and get healthy and exercise more and harder and fighting, day in and day out to NOT eat everything my body wants, then I'm punishing it with food. Why am I punishing it? Because it won't do what I want it to do, which is to be thin and not be addicted and not want food so much. It's like, "You want the food so badly? Here take it!" and then I feel sick but it feels like my body deserves that misery for making me feel so bad emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

My body image is such that I never notice when I'm gaining weight or losing weight. I mean, I notice as far as my clothes go, eventually, but if I look in the mirror, it always looks the same. 190, 240, no difference. I happened upon one of those TV shows the other day where people are on teams trying to lose weight. I had never watched any of them before. And they showed these very large people, men in shorts, women in shorts and sports bras, being turned around and showing their weights. So I'm watching, thinking, "What? She weighs 250 maybe?" and the woman weighed almost 400 pounds. I have no reality perception, which is why I can't look at myself and say "Hmmm...looks like I'm putting on a little weight..."

All I know is that it feels like my body is getting what it wants, which is for me to be fat and out of control. And it feels like my problem, like something I have to fix, not like something I can turn over, which is ridiculous, because there's really nothing I can't turn over. There's nothing I can't ask for help with.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, without an inkling of hesitation, that I am divorced because of program. I know that I would still be in the same horrible situation, if I had not walked through those doors 4 years ago. I know that I would either have lost the job I have now or at the very least would still be taking money for working my job at maybe 25% capacity. Now I am efficient and I feel with confidence that they are getting their moneys worth with me. I would still be where I was with managing money and although that is a slower go than some things, it is progressing and I am proud of that. I know that I would still be entering into relationships that were in no way what I needed. All these things are because the Universe led me to my 12 Step Program and I very clearly see that.

So why aren't my current actions in line with what I know and what I see? Because it feels like too much. The progress and the good things, they all require upkeep. They all require this continuous forward motion, so I keep working on them and I keep working both my jobs and I keep working towards raising my child and setting my boundaries with my ex and my mother and doing all this is already guaranteeing me no more than 5 hours of sleep a night! It feels like the program is just another thing to do, another thing to work on, another task, another chore and I'm so exhausted. And it's slipping away I know, I know, I know that if it does, everything else falls apart. All of it. Why doesn't that scare me more?

Today is new and today has no mistakes and all I have to do is make it through today. One day at a time. One day at a time. Turn it all over, even if it feels weak. Ask for help, even if it feels wrong. Today I am off work, today many of the responsibilities are on hold, so it's not an extra burden to do some work in the area that made all the other areas possible. Act as if, one day at a time...my body just says blah, blah, blah...

My mind says, "Do you want to die?" Maybe that's the battle to fight. I don't want to die today. I don't want to dig another hole in my grave. Today, I want to turn it over and stop worrying about it. I can simplify things by realizing that I don't have to deal with any of this crap. It's all going to fall apart if I just ignore it. But turning it over is not ignoring it. Letting something/someone bigger and certainly better equipped handle it. So that is my goal for today. Take off the armor and get ready...to not battle anymore.