The Best They Could

If I hear one more person tell me that my mother did the best she could do, I'm going to scream and hurt someone. "She did the best she could with the resources, with what she knew at the time..." were my therapist's words today. I refuse to believe it. It's part of the issue with not forgiving her. It's part of the reason I hold onto the venom year after year after year after year. Because I'm the only one who seems to understand how bad it was. Was it as bad as it could have been? No. I always had food, clothing, I was never beaten. I, by no means, hold myself up as a poster child for abuse since there were so many who had it so much worse. But I have no Earthly idea how anyone can look at the facts and shrug and say "She did the best she could."
I am doing the best I can. That I know. I make mistakes, I'm not perfect, but not trying, not caring, not working as hard as I can on parenting will never be one of them.
But what if my daughter has a different perception? You know, it's not even about that. It's about laying my head down each night, knowing I made mistakes, but that at the end of every day, this child is it. She is what everything else revolves around. Not my career, not a relationship, not anything else. It's this kid. I do what I do for her. If she can't see that, then I can.
I named my daughter after her two grandmothers to honor them. I was named to honor my mother's "creativity"
Yes, sometimes I leave her at home to go and do something personal.
It is not all the time and she has never been left alone at the age of 9 (or 8)
Anyone I leave her with has to be someone I trust 100%, not just a person who is "available"
I try to respect and appreciate her opinions if possible, but even if I can't, it's never because my ego is a marauding beast that must be fed lest it consume all in it's path.
And this is just a drop in the bucket.

So what is all this doing to my mother? She sleeps at night (I can hear her snoring), she has apologized in the past "for whatever I've done". I know she feels some remorse, but it's by no means the amount she should feel. I've gotten 1/2 an ounce of flesh at best. I'm surprised by how angry I am. And I know if I let go of that, it's like none of that other stuff happened and then she wins. She gets to move on with absolutely no retribution. But if I were able to do something, what would I do? And where does my father fit into all this, who was never there, so therefore what? Did less damage? Not even...but I don't feel a thousand pounds of resentment towards him. It's more like 750 pounds.

I think there are things people have choices about. I think you can choose to stay home with your kids or go out drinking. I think you can choose to leave your kids with emotionally deranged baby sitters. I think you can choose to clean up after yourself to give your kids a good example of cleanliness.

So obviously I still have some work to do on ths issue. I know I'm only hurting myself and no one else. But that's what I do. I sabotage myself at every turn, so maybe this is just my standard operating procedures. I guess we'll see.