Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony" - Thomas MertonI can't ever seem to find balance. For a long period of time, work was going so well, money was getting in line, things were tooling right along, except that my food and my recovery were all very shoddy and most of my relationships were not what I wanted them to be. Now, my program is going so well. I feel renewed and invigorated and ready to take on anything with the help of my God and I'm even feeling good on the dating/relationship front, but everything else seems to be falling by the wayside. And I can't seem to remember the good feelings I had when things were so organized. I know they were there. I felt on top of things for the first time ever. I felt like I was finally doing the job I was being paid to do. I felt honest and present. But I am an addict and the thing I'm addicted to most is pleasure. And the pleasure of having my program be everything I want it to be and having a healthy romantic life that enhances my life are in no way going to compare to the "rush" of paying my electric bill on time or getting a report turned into an insurance adjuster. Of course, I'm not sure I'm far enough along to say that the pleasures of a clean recovery program and an awesome romantic life are better than an entire 1/2 a sheet cake, a joint and a margarita. I'm getting there though.
Here's the thing, I don't get to expect pleasure out of every moment and act of life. I am an adult, right? If I want to truly live a purposeful life, a life of worth, a life that will be an example to my child, a life that is NOT my mother's, then there are certain things I have to do. Pleasurable or not. I need to remember the consequences of falling down. The rush of pulling things out of the fire at the last minute is stressful. It's not cool anymore. I'm 40 years old. I wanted a different life and on so many levels I have that. I have submitted so much to a power greater than myself, just in the last 3 weeks. I feel so much better. What is the fear that comes with balance? I think it's been proven, time and again, that a well balanced life does not mean boring. And I think it's been proven that the pleasureable things aren't necessarily going anywhere. If I take an hour to pay my bills or clean out my car, nothing I really WANT to do is going to go up in a puff of smoke. That belief is childish and counterproductive.
Mainly it comes down to fear and pain. I became afraid of staying exactly where I was in terms of my recovery and the pain I was in propelled me to submit everything to my HP. I feared repeating the mistakes I had made in my marriage and subsequent relationships and the pain that came from those situations helped me to look for something different.
What can I fear in these other situations?
I keep struggling against serenity. I wanted serenity in these other areas and I got that, in addition to pleasure. If I pay my bills and do my job and clean my house, I'm going to get serenity. I had it. I know it's there.
I have been able to remember that the feelings of deprivation, when it comes to food, won't kill me. It feels like they will, so much so that now there's a palpable fear within me sometimes of that feeling, but I do come out the other side if I am willing to turn it over. So if I can turn over the fear and resentment that comes with forgoing something fun for something meaningful, something grown up, something necessary (and in most cases it isn't even forgoing...it's postponing...temporarily...), then maybe I can finally get a fuller handle on this life. This ENTIRE life!
