My Higher Power/God is messy. That is the realization that has (for now) set me free. My Higher Power is all over the place. Some days this big, almighty sky dweller who looks like Walt Whitman, some days this energy that is sort of random, some days the CEO of the Corporation called The Universe and while certainly more powerful than I, He is ultimately powerless over some things that happen and is here to offer some comfort when times are hard. Realizing that, for me, it is impossible to nail God down to 1 image, to 1 idea, to 1 concept that will encompass my entire program, journey and life has been an amazing discovery. Is it fair to expect God to be just 1 thing? Maybe not. Now that doesn't mean there won't be complications. There are still days I want answers I'll never get. There are days I accept absolutely and completely whatever is sent my way. Most days, I'm in between. I am coming off a week (6 days because I haven't gone to bed today so I can't count today as abstinent yet) of a new food plan that is allowing me such a peace and serenity. And that's what it comes down to. I want serenity. And I think I've been lying for 4 years every time I've said the serenity prayer. I didn't want serenity. I wanted a feeling of glorious uplifting, I wanted to be high on spirituality. And that's not realistic and I haven't been giving serenity a fair shake. This past week has been a wonderful experience, in so many ways. Changes are happening, things get hectic and then they slow down and then they speed back up. And in all of it, I'm not getting upset. I'm not losing it.
When I was 14, we moved to Maryland and I was immediately an outcast. Did not have 1 friend the whole year. Ate lunch alone every day. Then one day, the "cool kids" invited me to have lunch with them. They all had sacked lunches and had to move to squeeze my tray in from my school lunch. But they talked, I talked, it was great. That night I made my mother go out and buy stuff so I could have a sacked lunch also the next day. They never asked me to join them again.
Most of my friends in program are not religious. They are spiritual. They don't go to church, they don't subscribe to any sort of religious doctrine. And that's great for them. I've never met anyone who has judged me for going to church or doing what I do. But it's still this nagging feeling that I'm not one of the "cool" kids. 98% of time I could give a crap what anyone thinks of me, but occasionally yes, it does gnaw on me. The cool kids don't go to church. The cool kids don't necessarily believe that Jesus died for their sins. The cool kids don't take communion. But I do and there's this tiny part of me that doesn't want to and all of that is okay. I'm okay.
Some days I have no idea what or who I'm thanking. But I am grateful. I don't know who or what I'm praying to. But I still pray. I don't know who or what sent me the serenity and the acceptance, but I am willing to have it, I embrace it and I use it, day by day, in my journey.
